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Need suggestions to help my DH.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by samal, Feb 2, 2014.

  1. samal

    samal Silver IL'ite

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    Gud day ILs,

    I got to know about this site only a month before. My very purpose of registration was to start a thread “why my Dh is like this”. Thank you Indus ladies for providing a forum like this. After reading few post, I was in a dilemma whether my vent really worth posting. Don’t know how many are troll and genuine. I felt like, when someone gets engaged, I should ask them to visit these pages to understand What Married Life is. Now after reading many posts, I feel I am not in a bad state as ladies detailed in other posts. I have tried to shorten as possible as I can. Here it goes.

    Arranged marriage, lived in joint family. Me and Mil did not get along well, so later moved to neutral family and nw living outside india. Finally this was my DH’s decision after he observed nobody is happy at home. I do only formal talks with them when they visit us like “ come in” “hw are you”, “have lunch”, “see you” “ ok” etc. Sometime I do share my son naughtyness and his activities. Me and INlaw don’t talk over phone. Till then , my inlaws were loving and caring my son. They were as usual with my DH. When BIL was about to get married we moved to another a country. My DH made arrangement for his parents to stay with BIL in the same apartment but in a different flat. He bought it exclusively for his parents and they also knew it. At times, he do send money for them. Dh said from our side we have given them a space to live and he will take care of proving food.
    Now the problem is they loved and always used to chat with my son and dh on skype. When they ask for me I will chat few minutes and return to cooking. Recently, my BIL had a kid, after that My PIL are restricting their chat with my son. Offlate, they even avoid talking with my son. Once this happened, DH and BIL was talking on phone, Dh got call from office, so he left DS to talk to BIL, it was on speaker. DS said want to talk to MIL, BIL said sleeping, asked FIL said sleeping. Actually, we could hear their voice over speaker , MY FIL was pampering BIL’s kid. Incident like this happened many times. On Krishna jayanthi day, My dh was expecting call from his parent to wish DS. They didn’t call, he called BIL. Ds asked for MIL and FIL, said sleeping. Normally they are awake till 10.00 or 11.00. That day it was only 9.00. Even for my DS birthday, he had to call them and ask them to wish DS.
    After the last call, DH is extremely unhappy. Only when he calls they will speak. He is not getting sleep in night. He has also restricted speaking to is fIL now. He bought that flat for PIL’s secured life. His father had no work when DH was 16. Somehow, Dh managed to complete college and found a job, took care of his brother’s studies, helped him in getting job. When he wanted to buy flat, helped him. He did what a father should do to his son. Dh never let inlaws down, atleast in front of me. Now they avoid my DS. DH is sleepless and bothering always. When I asked him y ur parents not talking to U and DS, he had no answer. He shouted ”what is bothering u and mind your work”. I don’t know what happened behind the scene.
    Dh is not sleeping properly, bcoz, PIL stopped pampering our DS and avoid talking. I feel nw, he is regretting why he bought that flat and made them stay together. I am worried on his health? What to do?
    I asked him to talk to his friends or some third party instead of keeping it inside, which will add more pressure on him. He is not comfortable talking about it to anyone including me. I suggested him we will meet some psychiatry person. He is in dilemma.
    BIL saying PIL sleeping to DS- don’t know why, who is playing game, He or MIL/FIL. DH not willing to confront either.
    Have any of u faced this kind of behavior from PIL or parents? Pls help me how u handled it? Can Gparents behave like this to their eldest grandchild?
    Dh is very much attached to me and My DS. He loves both of us. Don’t know how to help him, value ur suggestions.

    Sorry for the long post.

    Thank you once again
     
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  2. daffny

    daffny Silver IL'ite

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    i understand your situation. in some families i have seen the parents like daughter's kids more than son's. in some families just the opposite. we cannot do much in this. so, leave that side and see how to change your husband and make him understand the practical life. make him understand that, we cannot compel anybody to love / hate somebody. let him continue his duties as a son and leave other issues aside. one day they will understand their son's love and come for sure.
     
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  3. manjukps

    manjukps IL Hall of Fame

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    You have a point and understand your agony.

    My view is, out of love to his parents your dh did whatever he has to do as well could do. Mind you always physical nearness is important at the old age. So they may be quite attached with your bil's family.

    Never rise any negative things about his parents to him. He still loves them. If you do that it is like kindling the fire. It is not going to help his depression. Instead you could say, "its ok, after all they are your parents", as any way he is not compelling you to do this and that for them. You give him more love and affection.

    Regards
    Manjukps
     
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  4. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    This sounds a little bit like sibling rivalry to me :p

    In the ideal world, BIL & PILs should welcome the opportunity to chat with your DH and DS even if their other grandchildren are around because then there's the opportunity to do a group chat altogether. A little surprised to hear that PILs never called to wish your DS on his birthday but maybe it genuinely slipped their mind (somehow) or maybe BIL told PIL that he was unable to connect with you? Just curious…is it costly to connect?

    But in reality, can't do much if BIL or PILs are occupied or not motivated to keep in touch (if that really is the case). Has your DH tried to speak to BIL or FIL about this or mention that DS misses his grandparents a lot? Is it possible to take DH and DS to PILs place for a visit? Is it possible to email PILs and BIL to set up a group chat appointment?


    If connecting with PILs is still challenging, then another solution may be to just try to occupy your DH and DS in some other way. Maybe enroll them in father/son swimming class (They have these even for toddlers) or do something else that will mentally engage them so they are not constantly thinking about PILs?


    In any case, your DH did what he felt was the right thing to do by providing his parents with a flat. He shouldn't second guess himself just because he or DS feels neglected. PILs might not realize themselves that DH and DS feel neglected…maybe they feel like they may be interrupting or disturbing you so they're trying to keep to themselves and instead focus on the grandchildren who are in proximity (some of my own grandparents and those of other have done that).
     
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  5. samal

    samal Silver IL'ite

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    Thank u all

    I know from when he started having late sleep and when asked, he said thinking about job. at one point he admitted.

    @manjukps- as you mentioned, I did tell him, "if parents have more than one children, they will show favouritism. Since they stay near they do it. Love with G child should be unconditional, even if they have misunderstanding with me or DH. If they show, Ds is gifted, if not, We should consider unlucky. V shld b happy dat we came to know it in early stage of life". Still he is not convinced.Feeling somewhat sad. Trying to hide this feeling from me.
    @hasteraho - Dh and Bil chat 2 times over phone, he talks to DS once, but MIL once in 2 weeks, while on skype. She will ask DS hw are u and about his school that all. (just 2 min) FIL never comes on chat. That all. She was not like this before. LAst time, they came on chat( i won't participate, but i can hear wat they speak). Dh and DS was pampering his kid for long time, they were telling what he was doing and all that. MIL was sitting silent. She didn't take effort to talk to my DS. When DH said bye to all and signed off, MY Ds started Crying, I didn't talk to MIL, log in again. He shouted at him keep quite.

    Dh didn't even mind to give scarcastic comment on this. Don't know what is stopping him. I am getting irritated, seeing all these things.
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband is feeling jealous and insecure about his place with your inlaws. He is probably also feeling a little guilty about separating.

    Your in laws have a new grandchild to play with. Younger children are more cuter and more easier to control.Let them have their time with them .Your child got their undivided attention for sometime.Maybe they are just bad at balancing love and affection between people and did the same with their sons and now grandchildren.The silver lining is that they seem happy with whatever is happening.

    Or maybe they are just angry with you both for separating.Who knows?
    There is not much you can do other than be sympathetic. Tell husband to call parents directly. Sometimes asking questions directly also helps....just ask" why don't you people show interest in talking to us...are you upset about something?"
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2014
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  7. almondeyes

    almondeyes Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Samal,

    Why dont you directly call your ILs over their cell phone once?? Why involve the BIL every time as a intermediary medium of communication? You are just breaking your head thinking about all the possibilities and i feel its best to talk to them directly or make your son do the talking. Only when you are sure of there intentions you can make further plans.
    Maybe your DH is feeling embarassed for his parents behaviour as well and hence avoiding the confrontation with you. So you are the only person who can save him from his misery.
     
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  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello OP,

    While this is a sad situation, you can handle this much better.

    It is unfair that his parents for some reason seem to be holding back. Unfortunately, whatever you have to say on the matter will upset your DH more since he doesn't seem to look at you as an objective party. He is already feeling let down by his parents' behaviour; regardless of your intentions he seems to feel disloyal to his parents when you say anything about the topic; this seems to be the reason he is venting his frustration at you.

    When you see your husband upset, just go give him a hug without saying anything. Cradle his head in your arms. I insist, do NOT say anything. If he asks any questions, just say you felt he could do with a hug. Then change the topic. Keep organising something fun you can do as a family to distract him and your son - like going to the park/ walk/ shopping or even just playing board games at home. Or get a very large sheet of chart paper and try making a mess painting with your son. Have an activity lined up for every evening. The internet and even IL has lots of resources on this topic.

    You provide the fun and laughs for your family, so that it will help your husband take his mind off his parents. Your husband might resist it initially but give him some space. Ask him to just sit with you and your son while you play and try to involve him. Don't push him though.

    While your PIL do not seem to be acting fairly, you do not know if your husband has had some other disagreement with them. And like someone already said, it is quite normal for the grandchild living with the grandparents to get more attention. It is undoubtedly sad that your son is being ignored but just calmly repeat to your son that his grandparents are busy and will talk to him when they are free. Do not let his tantrum of not talking to his grandma escalate. Distract him instantly with some other activity.

    YOU cannot change your ILs. YOU cannot erase your husband's pain. However, you CAN provide a lovely haven for your husband by deliberately shifting your focus to doing fun things as a family. It takes time and effort; but he should turn around. This will also make you three closer as a family which is how it should actually be...

    Good luck
     
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  9. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Samal,

    I understand how you must be feeling, it is very difficult to see your husband hurt, that too by his own parents.

    What you have mentioned, I have personally seen happeining in many families, so I know whatever you have written is genuine and not exaggerated.

    Some parents tend to discrimintate between their children, and somehow always tend to have a soft corner for the weaker child, in doing so they don't realise how much they hurt their other child who actually fulfills all his duties towards them, and is their pillar of strengh.

    I understand your hubby is feeling very dejected right now, and you inturn are unhappy and helpless seeing him this way.

    Since you don't have a very good rapport with your ILs, there is no chance of you directly talking to them, and telling them about your hubby's feelings.

    You're right in saying that he should talk to someone, or maybe a professional.

    We can't change the situation much, so better he makes himself accustomed to it.

    But rather than talking to a friend, it is better he talks to you. Why did you say he doesn't want to talk to you? Are you not his comfort zone?
    Does he feel you will judge him, if he tells you something?
    I think the wife would be the right person in this case to ease out his pain.

    Encourage him to talk to you. Don't push it, give him some time and space. Once he talks it out to you, he will feel relieved and the burden will be off his chest.

    Meanwhile, make sure you are always there for him, right now he is feeling rejected by his own parents, so make sure you make him realise that you and your son are always there for him, and he means the world to you.

    Make him feel special by maybe buying him a gift, baking him a cake or cooking his favorite meal, that might cheer him up.
     
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  10. samal

    samal Silver IL'ite

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    After separation, ofcourse they were angry. They only stopped talking to me, they continued to be as they were before to my DH and Ds. Three years went on like that. Only last few month, they are avoiding talk with DS. Only after we overheard the call DS with BIL, we are upset. Don't know whether BIL is indirectly controlling them or not. Why should he say that that are sleeping when they are very much awake in the same room. Are they afraid of pampering my DS infront of my BIl. In a week, hardly, they will spent 15-20 min over phone, what is a big deal?
    If your parent talk to u and doesn't show interest talking to ur son, how do u react?
    I will also avoid talking to them If I am in that situation, don't know whether this feeling is correct. Wondering why My husband is not reacting like that, being a loving and caring father.
    We are also keeping peace becoz, after few years, BIL and family will be the only and close relative from DH side.

    He may not be comfortable to share few things to a wife, that too about his own parents, so I asked him to talk to his friends or third person and seek advice. Other than this dh is fine with me. Takes good care of us.
    As IL pointed out, we cannot compel anyone to shower their love on our beloved ones, It must come from within. They were like that before. They played safe game altogether. Now, I personally lost respect for them.

    This is haunting me. Just putting the question like this, If you(anyone) are in d same situation like my DH, what will be ur reaction. How u take it forward?

    We cannot avoid them altogether, afterall they are the only relatives. Will u maintain distance? or continue to be as you were before? Ur opinion does matter...
     

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