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Need some support from you wonderful ladies :-)

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by harinisripada, Jan 6, 2012.

  1. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ILites !!!

    You may remember that although my co-sis has been extremely rude to me since the past 8 years, I finally broke my silence last year in may when they came to my place and created fights and trust issues with my DH... :-(

    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/140702-help-me-find-my-will.html

    Well, time for a visit now... thankfully this time it is to their place, so she will be busy with her routines and get lesser time to attack me... till now I've been very silent, I mostly laugh at her insults and keep quiet at other comments but now I'm worried that I might attack back, which I dont want to!!!

    I went shopping for the kids for the festival, so many times I picked up stuff for BIL and co-sis and had to make myself keep them back...I am NOT taking any gifts for them and am feeling bad about it :-(

    Even for the kids, I limited myself to only two sets of clothes and 2-3 bags and pens and toys each...

    I know she will compare and say stuff like you dont know cooking, your DH does everything for you, your DH and DS and FIL listen to you because you did black magic on them, you are a maharani controlling your house, your DH is the most ideal husband and is hundred times better than my DH (this last one really hurts because I see my BIL's face crumbling!)

    I have reminded my DH already that he should answer back and defend me if she says something, he said ok, but the problem is that she says stuff to me in my BIL's presence and not in my DH's presence :-(

    I want to be strong, I dont want to be rude to anyone and I know FIL depends on me to keep the family together, so this time its going to be tough !!!

    I want to remember that she is jealous of me and thats why she behaves unbearably

    This time it is going to be worse, because my BIL has left his regular job and concentrating more on his business, so again there's going to be comparisons with my DH

    I'm leaving on sunday for sankranthi and I need support from you ladies!! Please tell me again, remind me that I am right in keeping the family together and remaining calm and smiling at her behavior...

    :)
    Harini
     
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  2. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Harini,

    Enjoy your sankranthi..

    remember you cannot pull a chariot alone. if nobody helps to move it, it is better to accept that it is beyond you. sometimes, acceptance is the key. in this case, you cannot keep holding to a family if the family does not want to be held. do your part and forget the rest...

    coming to your co-sis, can you change her, no..remember she is your co-sis, an adult who is big enough to understand things, and yet she behaves the way she does, means she is not willing to see the issue from any other view point. some people are stuck..very self centered, self absorbed, worry only about themselves.

    people who feel jealous, forget that the other person has worked for whatever she/he has achieved, though the hardwork maynot be visible.

    now, you know she is going to be jealous, you know she is going to talk in front of bil, you know she is going to pass comments..you have the power, here, guess what..YOU KNOW..so learn to just take it coolly..and appreciate yourself for being able to guage her reactions.

    do not let one person's narcissism squeeze out the enjoyment of your family. do not be behind your husband to back you for what she does. sometimes, it puts him in fix. you are a strong person, do not get irritated/angry/vexed by her..

    spend your time with the family. remember your niece likes you..you are doing this for her..sometimes we need to learn to accept all variants of gray inbetween..

    i have learnt the hard way. i have learnt to appreciate all shades of gray,between black and white of human character, it has made heart ache lesser..

    happy sankranthi to you once again.
     
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  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Harini,

    You are only one person. Don't set some unrealistic goals for yourself that oh only I must and should and have to do everything to keep the family together. Sometimes it can be beyond the capacity of a single person. So dont place that whole responsibility on just yourself. It is too heavy for just one person when there are so many members with independent minds and behaviour.

    Your intentions are noble. Do your best and leave the rest to God. He works in mysterious ways. Sometimes things may have to fall apart for the others to realize the value of what you are attempting and start cooperating with you. Who knows what will happen. Anything and everything can happen. So don't place responsibility for all outcomes on yourself alone and get fixed that I only have to make this one thing happen. I am sure you will do your best from your side to maintain family harmony. Let that knowledge comfort you in case things don't work out. And don't forget to let yourself enjoy the family visit and spend some happy moments with your nieces and nephews and other family members. Don't allow your co-sis words to poison your mood and spoil the entire visit for you. If she is nasty, decide you are going to brush it off etc, or do whatever you usually did in the past.
    Good Luck!
     
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  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    what would be her reaction if you say I know all this blah blah and blah and ask do you have any new stuff to talk about it???????

    actually it's better to cut that topic short as much as you could instead of asking your husband to support you.Those people never ever understand or listen to other person.They only how to talk and don't know how to listen.It's waste of time to spend more time on it.Just move on as fast as you could to different topic or room.
     
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  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    After carefully reviewing your post, it looks like she is going through a severe inferiority complex about herself. The reason for that is she is constantly complaining about something or the other and this attitude of her makes everyone to keep a distance from her. No one is saying anything to her but make her feel alone in everything.

    I have a suggestion to make. Since your husband, FIL and even your BIL appear to be peace loving people, please try this out. Please be liberal on getting gifts for the entire family. I suggest you do not show your displeasure to her instead keep praising for small things she does in the presence of every family member. Already she carries an impression that everyone is listening to you. She would think that these words of praise from you would make her feel at home. Even if others do not change even one bit, she would begin to feel that she is part of the family with no jealousy towards you. If she continues saying things to you, accept it gracefully and tell her politely that it is your attitude towards them that makes them feel that way. Also tell her that she is capable of doing even better and command respect from everyone. Please make her feel that you are on her side to help her out. The first DIL feels uncomfortable when the second one comes into the family. The first DIL normally lives in vivid imagination that the second is drawing more attention and accolades. The complex becomes severe if the second DIL comes with more jewels, silver and is married to a successful second son.

    It is always important to address the root cause rather than the symptoms. If that does not work, then, you may have to suggest to your BIL to take her to a good Psychiatrist in the best interest of the family. But suggesting that too soon would result in more problems as she would think that you were trying to brand her as mentally challenged person.

    Viswa
     
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  6. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Thanx for your replies!!

    Shanvy, you are right, I KNOW, but I always knew she is like that, I used to go fearlessly because I knew I was under control... This time I have closed my feelings for her... so I'm worried that I'll back-answer, which I dont want to :)

    I usually dont let her affect my relationships with the others... I enjoy, laugh and merry-make with the others and be happy... but after their last trip, I feel I might remember all my hurt and do something stupid

    Yes, I must remember I'm doing this for my niece and my FIL....

    you know, about 6 years back, FIL collapsed in their house due to fever, stayed in ICU for 20 days, DH and I took leave and stayed in their town (I was working) till he was well, co-sis stayed at her parents place and attended her job, not a single day she came to even visit !!! and called me everyday and say I'm not taking care of FIL properly and giving him hospital canteen food (I used her kitchen in her house to make food for all the other attendants, for FIL and took care of every meal, while she stayed at her parents in her same town and went to work every day!!!) ... I still never replied back :) because she's family, whether black or grey or white!!!

    When my FIL became conscious and started talking, the first thing he said to me was, "both my sons will listen to their wives, the women are the strongest link in the family, please ensure that the brothers dont split up due to their wives" ....

    Since then I ensure FIL spends more time in our town and goes there only for visits when he has to attend court or sign documents etc!!!

    I remember these words of FIL everytime she attacks me...

    Thanx Sandhya, Priya, I know I just have to behave like usual, but this time, my control levels are very thin!! :)

    Viswa, I have tried in the past to understand, care and be patient!!

    She has no reason to be jealous

    Even she is appreciated in the house !! Every single time, my FIL tells to friends/outsiders something about the way I take care of him, he'll add the statement "I am lucky, BOTH my DILs take good care of me", I also nod smilingly :)

    My BIL will attend to her as if she's his girlfriend always asking about her food, about her comforts etc, in fact, the minute they land in my house he'll announce grandly "you have been very busy and running around for the past few days, you rest completely here, Harini will take care of everything" as if I am expecting her help :)

    So many times, even when food is more than enough (even in my own house), my BIL will tell her, you eat well, Harini will eat the leftovers if anything is remaining !!!
    :bonk

    Of course, BIL'll later ask me if I want something else from outside and we'll both enjoy some icecream (my DH cant have icecream due to his allergies, co-sis due to tooth problems !!!)

    I've taken countless gifts (pooja items to purses to bangles to silver to kitchen items) in the past for her, she has NEVER taken the gift from my hands!!! She'll look at it with disgust and not TOUCH it... BIL or her DD will take it and it'll just be lying around till I/they leave, then the next visit, I see her using it, I dont comment, she also doesnt comment !!!

    :hide:

    My DH has told me several times that "if it was me, I wouldnt put so much thought, effort and money to buy a perfect gift !!! I would have just packed it back in my bag and never bought anything again, you're too patient that you've tried for the past 8 years (x3 visits a year = more than 50 gifts just for her) !!!" :bowdown

    I have myself told her several times that she's a successful career woman + home manager (because of her inferiority complex, I have to tell that many times)!!!

    And it is not as if we are super successful and they're not!!! We're normal one income middle class techies, BIL is well off and actually doesnt even need to work as his business is good, and also keeps telling her that she also doesnt need to work! They also get to use my FIL's pension whenever FIL is with them, whereas my DH doesnt touch FILs pension at all!!

    Actually I should be jealous because she has a cook and I dont!!! :thumbsup

    And she has a PhD, she is working and has two children (girl and boy, perfect family!), I have only one son, I am not working and I have only a BE/MBA from India's most premier institute, but anyone can buy a BE/MBA for Rs 2000/- whereas you have to struggle a lot for Phd (her words, not mine!!!) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

    Best is to get back my sense of humor and go there and have a ball !!!

    Hey ILs, please send some good vibes and humor for me, I'll definitely need it !!!

    Harini
     
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  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Good luck Harini. I am sure with your positive attitude and sense of humour you will sail through. If she has a problem, let her live with it. Don't let her affect you. All the best. Enjoy your Sankranti.
     
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  8. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Harini,
    Have u tried the approach where u completely ignore her presence...
    Basically train urself to not see or hear her .Don't look at her
    in the eye...look through her ...dont answer her . Just act as if
    she doesn't exist .About time ur FIL/BIL/DH stop making u take shi** from her.
    I don't believe in trying to make relationships work when it is so clearly not wanted.
    Happy sankranti!
     
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  9. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Thanx satchi and JAG!!!

    I've got busy baking my special eggless cakes for the kids :) They just love it :)

    JAG, my BIL and FIL and her DD too take the same s**t from her, so it's not just me, it is just concentrated on me when I visit !!! She will take out all her khunnass and frustrations on me, because "I got lucky and married the better brother and dont deserve the most ideal DH" :) (again, her words not mine :))

    I'm no longer trying to make the relationship work, I've tried for the past 8 years, taali ek haath se nahi bajti ... I just want to keep my control because last time she actually tried to create trust issues with DH :-( and almost broke me, so I've closed my heart now!!! And because my heart is closed, I'm afraid that I will say something back !!!

    I dont want to be a party to or create any scenes because in spite of everyone knowing how things are, because my dear family wants to be FAIR to BOTH the DILs, I'll also get blamed if there's some scene :-(

    Last time, after all her scenes creating trust issues between me and my DH, in spite of me controlling and keeping totally silent, my BIL tells me - "dont worry if you said something to your co-sis, I know you both are stressed out!!!"

    As if it is their goodness and meherbani that they "forgave" ME for the scene created by HER trying to destroy MY marriage!!!

    So I need to keep my humor and control :)

    Harini
     
  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Harini,

    You are handling it so beautifully already and hats off to you for your patience and remarkable sense of humor in difficult conditions. Your words that your co-sis is after all your family says it all about your attitude.

    Your second post clarified a lot of different things for me. It looks like more than showering his love, it looks like your BIL is afraid of your co-sis. It is my assessment that he is also hearing a lot of bad things about you from your co-sis. All those little actions like eat well and Harini will eat leftover and Harini will take care of everything and you relax, etc. are intended to please his wife and show his support to her. It will also make your co-sis feel that she is more important than you. Inside your BIL's heart, he probably knows what is the truth.

    We will certainly pray for you and send you positive vibration. But honestly, your attitude and temperament is your best vibration and you really do not need anything else. But it is my humble opinion, with all that education, supportive husband, rich comfortable life, balanced family (with a son and daughter), such wonderful FIL, BIL, BIL's wife, etc., if your co-sis is still complaining, it is not good for the family in the long run. No matter how much patient you are, she is going to wreck the family and the relationships between the brothers and you would end up being a silent spectator not able to fulfill the wishes of your FIL. She needs psychological help and sooner or later your BIL needs to do that. Then, who would bell the cat? Let God be with you always for your wonderful attitude.

    Viswa
     
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