1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Need Inputs

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by soraj, Apr 22, 2019.

  1. soraj

    soraj Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi All ,

    Refer earlier one Please Suggest

    Things are going on with normal ups and downs .. basically more downs than ups.. About Loan , Fights , his siblings comments on me directly and indirectly ..since ignorance is bliss , I ignore various things from my end or basically everything as these things are taking toll on my health ..

    So with various fights between us , In front of his family and In front of my family ..He blamed me for many things which concludes I don't have any character.. Instead of going to office .. I roam in the city.. About what i wear ... about Household work.. basically about everything ...

    So I just stopped talking with him and his family .. only speaking in case of extreme emergency from last 2 - 3 months..

    Basically i cant mend further as I am in no mood this time ..

    He said sorry and he will never repeat again .. But it always happens... He even insulted my parents when they are present during last fight..

    This time I am ready to go/take extreme actions from my end as I am always at the receiving end of taking all ****..

    Please suggest
     
    Loading...

  2. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    193
    Likes Received:
    326
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Not sure what you mean by extreme action ? You mean divorce/separation ???

    Its not as easy as it sounds with a little child in the picture. First take out all the BIL, Inlaws, Parents, Money issues from the equation and look at how your husband is as a person, as a spouse, as a father. If you think he is a good person but is getting pulled into politics by third party then you can salvage this. If he is basically a monster then you can think extreme steps.

    Everyone has money, inlaws problems, criticisms they face etc. But time will set it right if you can be patient and increase love towards your spouse and ignore all this for a while. Indian men face lot of struggle and indirect criticisms from their family and they are in a tight situation where they cant just take orders from the wife and execute them. So cut him some slack.

    Talk to him about how you are very unhappy and want to fix this and see if he is cooperative.
     
    SinghManisha and DDream like this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    998
    Likes Received:
    1,920
    Trophy Points:
    265
    Gender:
    Female
    What is in your mind? What do you mean by extreme actions?

    Like @senorita2019 suggested, use this opportunity to set the rules and define boundary. Talk to him and discuss what you can take and what you cannot. You need to let him know what action hurt you most. If your property and loan fight is over, consider that as past.

    If you husband is otherwise good,tell him to stop insulting your parents, not to insult you in front of others, to discuss with you any issues if he has, any instead of talking to others, respect you as a person and life partner. If he brings his parents or your parents into fight, tell him ,not to bring those people in here and focus on the issue. Make him aware that all his talks and insults distance you away from him and is creating resentment. Ask him what his opinion on rebuilding this marriage.

    Listen to his views very well. Then clearly express your views- if he wants love, care or respect he need to first give it you. Find a time only when you will be able talk in a composed way. A women who talk in calm , assertive way with firm views is more powerful than an angry, emotional, crying or nagging one. I feel that if you can forget the past incidents and can work with your dh, you can make your marriage a success. Give him space ,but assert yours. If his actions affirm his willingness to respect you and work on this marriage, then shower him with love and affection. Spend more time as a couple. Once your bond gains strength, rest of the issues with in laws take a back seat. Till then completely ignore them, but maintain formal relationship.

    Take care of yourself well , love yourself, find ways to make you happy. Just be busy and happy. Past is done. When you get affected by in laws, they gain power, that you should not allow. Be positive. Every one face one or another issues every day, how we control our response decides the outcome. Once we learn how not to get affected by other's non sense, we gain peace of mind. You know who you are, let others comment what they want. Their comments dont define you. Believe in yourself . So think well, be wise and smart. Silent treatment weakens marriage. Talk as if nothing happened and behave normal.
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2019
    SinghManisha likes this.
  4. soraj

    soraj Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks to both of u for ur reply... I am still trying to make my peace with loan and all..

    But still saying such things about me , that I cant just forget .. This time it hurts my self respect.. I am still not able to forget what he said during those fights about me.. I mean literally When I see his face , I just recall what he said about me..

    Thats why I posted here after 2 months to seek advice..
     
  5. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    193
    Likes Received:
    326
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi
    I know it hurts a lot when loved one talks crap abt us but look at the big picture, he is just saying all this to please his family but deep down maybe he loves you and like most Indian men doesnt know how to show it

    Unless u talk to him abt staying or leaving decision he wont know the seriousness of the situation. Many men may be egotistical and tell u to leave thinking it’s empty threat.

    This is such a tight situation for women to prove she has had enough and has courage to leave the marriage.. by that time you will be drained and will let go the past. Because end of the day being alone with a child versus ignoring all this and moving on, moving on is easier and hope your husband comes around
     
    shravs3 and SinghManisha like this.
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    458
    Likes Received:
    1,017
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    You are very angry and hurt. This is probably not the right time to take any extreme decisions. Why don’t you wait this out for a month or two more ?
    Everyone says things they don’t intend to when they are angry. If your husband has apologized I am sure he is truly sorry. Don’t hold on to his words uttered in a fit of range.


    Once things have cooled down can you make sure your name is included on the flat too ?
     
    shama146 likes this.
  7. soraj

    soraj Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Thnx again .. I waited for 2 months to post here .. It all happened in Jan end / feb 1st week..
    I know I am angry , hurt.. But more over I feel how My spouse feels/think about me .. And I just hate him so much ..

    Yes , he said Sorry ... he will never say such things again.. But I am unable to accept his apologies..

    @SinghManisha - I tght a lot about that flat .. But Now i dont want my name in that flat . I will purchase new one for myself.. Because when ever he fights... he always say .. Yeh mera ghar hai .. mere hisab se chalega..

    So i want mine this time.. hope will do it in a year or two..Since I have loan obligation , my eligibility is very less..
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  8. ramya8085

    ramya8085 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    i am new ilite here. Can i ask you a question. forget the flat. you got great inputs from lot of seniors here

    what were the sequence of events that lead to a fight between you and h . and made him so angry he lost control.

    i am not asking you to justify or judge anything. just plain sequence.

    why do i ask . because if he is like typical lazy indian male who enters house sleeps and wakes and acts like a baby with no help. and provokes for no reason. then you have a longer time frame of having lot of battles which lets say after 10 years of marriage will drive you crazy. Sorry dear, i feel then you need to plan and discuss well about his attitude and contributions at home

    on the other hand, if you have hidden emotions over the property or any time ( about the fights you mentioned ) and were upset and started sharing first with the expectation he will understand, i can only say watch those series of actions for days and avoid.
    reason i feel your H is not emotionally mature and ready to handle what you feel. it is better to avoid fight if you want to be happy.
     
  9. soraj

    soraj Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    I am sure that I never starts rather than I ignore his and his family members taunts mostly ...

    Problem is now i stopped ignoring rather than giving it back on their face...

    If he taunts me in front of his family member .. he will get it back at the same time... Because now I cant take that crap..

    See there are many things which I didnt write here.. He never spend even 1 rs on me or on our baby .. Since i earn i spend on my self and on baby ... and gave him huge chunk of money ...

    If I start writing , I can fill the pages.. but thats not the point..

    I even told him , if he treats me like this then This time its over.. I will shift to some other place as I want to live my life in peace .. I cant take all nonsense..
     
  10. ramya8085

    ramya8085 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    exactly that is not the point to write pages. see those are the weird patterns of your H, which are going to become unbearable as your marriage grows.

    like unnecessary power plays which he is doing by insulting and taunting
    this is sick, not spending a single rs in his own child.

    looks like you have the answer to your own Q. now it is in your hands to manage your life either with or without him.
     

Share This Page