Need Honest Opinions

I really wish we had a 'dislike' option on IL.
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Op...as for being looked after in old age,don't worry .You have a house .
If they want it to come to them...they will take care of you.Let them know .
But look out for other options like assisted facility homes.You can always sell of the house and go there if they choose to not take care of you.

 

I hope so too @satchitananda otherwise it could turn ugly. If it is the parents saving th kids have no say. We did not want any from both set of parents, and the kids for now say that when you could do it we can too. Change is the only constant.

@yellowmango yes they can sell invest and rent one. They can move around if rented instead of being tied to the place.

 

@Valli1964, kudos to you for your retirement plan. Kudos also for your independence.

Right and wrong in any relationship is irrelevant. What matters is how to make this relationship work moving forward. You have a couple of positives going for you: your son and DIL want/need a relationship with you. And all of you are willing to open up and communicate.

What the young couple said sounds painful and unfair. On the plus side you now know what's bothering them and you can work on it.

How? First, instead of seeing their last visit as abusive, appreciate the open communication. If your son and DIL had simply wanted you out of their life, they wouldn't have told you how they feel. As long as everyone is communicating, there is hope. Their cards are on the table, it's time for you to open up, too.

Your problems have started with miscommunication — you offered them independence and a separate dwelling out of consideration for your DIL's comfort; they saw it as being thrown out. Talk to them, tell them why you helped with their flat and that you never thought of it as rejecting them. The jewelry is gone, but you should talk about it — your DIL saw only the monetary value and may be astonished to hear how heart broken you are. You should let her know about the sentimental value you place on your MIL's jewelry and on the house you live in. Open communication may be the key to resolving this hiccup in your relationship.

I hope that once they hear how hurt — not angry — you are, perhaps some healing can begin. If you shut down now, it will hurt your relationship long term.

Let them both know that you do not wish to be a burden on them in your old age and are financially prepared to look after yourself. You will not spend any money placating them. Do not assure them that they will inherit everything you own. Never encourage them to take that for granted.

You aren't taking them for granted, make sure they don't take you for granted either.

If, OTOH, they're simply after money, they'll rethink their strategy once they understand that they risk losing his inheritance by using their child for extortion.

About the babysitting, don't do it. The fact is you are never going to be able to do things exactly the way your DIL wants them done. It will damage your relationship even more if you help her out. Encourage them to manage their own family. Meanwhile, you're retired, so travel and enjoy the fruits of your labors.

Bottom line: They need you to babysit and they want your money. You want access to your grandchild. Their needs are greater, they'll wise up sooner or later. Meanwhile, don't let them bully you. Stick to your life plan, it's a good one.

Incidentally, where are her parents?

On a personal note, my heart broke when I read that your DIL traded off your MIL's jewelry. I hope it goes to a good soul.

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@Amica,
i gave a like to your response and then found it is not enough! This is the best piece of advice given and hence multiple likes for the same! The only hitch here, would be whether her son and DIL are open to communicate further or they think they have had their say and keep away.

 

You post is such great advice.

I really liked the view in the above two lines. The ability to stand back and look at the big picture instead of getting caught in the storm is a valuable one. And you have that.

I loved the whole approach to taking the positives and seeing what can be worked on, while having down to earth expectations .

 

I beg to differ. A child when it says a parent has to only look after me when it is in 30s or say 25 and above he \ she is not a child but a liability. Honeymoon is a husband and wife Option. No need to be gifted by parents or in-laws.

 

your stand is completely right and I agree with you hundred and ten percent . in my friend and relative circle lot of older people stay with their children for long durations to look after children. Most seem to be very happy with this arrangement, though mostly it's parents staying with daughters . Indian parents can be controlling over their kids lives but they also extend a lot of support when required . You are bucking this trend so be prepared that your son will use this as an excuse when you need his help. Detach yourself from any expectations you have from him.

 

OP,
I feel you shouldn't try to end your relationship with your son and his family.

You have done many mistakes here. Why didn't you teach your son to be compassionate. How could he not realise the worth of his parents after his marriage. When his wife complained against you, why didnt he not have the commonsense to check with you. Mistakes are done by everyone. In the heat of the moment, people say many hurting things without thinking. You are just 52, not that old, you can forgive your children for their mistakes. Somebody in your dils family must be with brainwashing her against you. Your telling them to live separate, going on trips might not be like some. Most practical people prefer to live with parents as they feel they can have some relaxation after coming home from work which they would never get returning to an empty house after work.

The values that you attached to your mils jewellery is understood, but you are wrong in giving it to your dil way too early before you actually knew her nicely. A gift given is given, now there is no point in even thinking about it. Your dil might not have liked the design and so exchanged it to something that she could use. I am not justifying your dil but these things happen in the world.
The mistakes done by your son and dil is bcos of their immature nature. They have just started living life and they see you as parents with lots of money but no mentality to help them physically. Everything will fall in place. Do not worry. Your son has no siblings, may be that's why he has not learned caring and sharing. He is just listening to what his wife says. Teachers in general are usually strict with their own kids, they expect too much of perfection from them.

Don't give any more money to your son unless it's an emergency. Even now you can teach them some good manners. Tell them to make everything on their own. If you are way too rich than them, p!ease occasionally gift them, take them out for lunch, dinner, anniversaries, movies etc and change their outlook towards you.

No one takes money with them after death, so enjoy utilise it in small meaningful ways with your sons family. As someone said, if they want to live with u, let them build it above yours. Don't let money spoil your relationship.

Seen one family just breaking off for reasons like this. Children working, limited salary, parents rich and being clingy on even spending 1000 rupees on a maid to do housework. Parents have earned it the hard way and so even inold age they dont want a maid and expect dil to clean the house after work especially on days the parents are sick. Otherwise mil does it all alone.

Be a little lenient in life. Don't complaint about son and dil to any of Ur relatives. Your son and dil will soon realise their mistakes.

 

I have seen some kids throwing away their parents after they get the property. Please i am not telling that your son would do that but it looks like they have gotten really selfish. Never bend to his wishes and cut all the ties when time comes he would understand. This is so nasty of them