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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Valli1964, Apr 24, 2017.

  1. VaniVyas

    VaniVyas Platinum IL'ite

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    @Valli1964 Madam, quite impressed with the way you handle this and I am sure you have got so many positive vibes from this thread.


    Sorry for breaking in between, I am equally concerned/curious to know what the right way as a DIL. I have my DD (4.5yrs) who is taken care by our MIL. She is staying with us and my FIL passed when by DH was a small boy. He is the only son and the mother-son share a good rapport and has been living alone for quite a long time before I became a new member. We had an arranged marriage only. Now some of the questions that pop up my mind are : @Valli1964 sorry madam i am just thinking from the other side to understand the issue from various angles. Whatever your son and DIL have done is totally not acceptable specifically the financial side.


    Let me raise a few scenerios to all… (Over thinking) These are based on my observations and experiences, not to hurt anyone.


    1. What if the DIL leave the child to her parent’s house and go for job?


    See she is leaving our kid to her parent’s house, why will i not take care of my grandchild. Even I have raised a kid, i know how it is done. She thinks only she and her mother knows everything... Wat to do then....


    2. What if the DIL leaves the child to nanny or day care?


    Since she is earning, she (DIL) is spending all her money the way she likes. Why can’t they ask us for help. Will nanny take care better than us. Just because we don’t interfere they are doing things the way they like and not bothered about child’s needs.


    3. If the DIL requests her inlaws to take care of her child, then ?


    Are we here to clean potty and do things for them, purposely she is coming late from office. After office, they have time for outings whereas full day I have to take care of child… Then???

    4. If the DIL sits at home without job?

    She is spending all my sons money and not contributing to family.

    5. If DIL works

    Then taking care of child is mother’s responsibility only

    Now What should the DIL do ???

    She is earning for the family ultimately. If she spends some money on herself or her parents then??? . I do not understand how the society functions.

    If boys parents have all the right to stay with son, then it is quite obvious that taking care of grand kids becomes a part of their responsibility. They are not doing a favour on DIL, it is their grandchild only at the end of the day. When they are not well or want to sleep, of course as a DIL we need to give the space and time to our in-laws.

    The whole scenario and what I believe is about how as a family we raise a kid jointly and not a competition between in-laws, parents and DIL s family as to how has the maximum right on the child. We should in no way consider this as a task or a work or duty, raising kids should be based on love and care for the small one though it does not work like this in most of the cases. I don’t understand why.

    P.S. I could not stop drafting this, after going through this thread in spite of workload. Sorry for any grammatical and spelling errors, I am in a hurry no proof reading.
     
  2. Rajeni

    Rajeni Moderator Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    You and your husband are an example of how parents and PILs should be.
    Both your son and DIL are worried about the FDs!

    Initially when you have suggested the seperate living, it would have been the most agreeable thing for your DIL (looking at her behaviour now, she doesnt look like someone who wants to live in a joint family set-up)
    But, all those changed with your first trip. They are simply worried that you and your husband would blow away all the savings for your vacations (which you should and have all rights to do!)
    First, she tried to shame you by those rude comments but though you found that insulting, that didnt stop your trips (thats what I infer from your post)
    Now, with the grandchild as the bait, they are trying to gain control of everything. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT!
    If your son has any financial needs that he couldnt manage and if he is looking for your help, then its understandable, but simply wanting a big duplex house (which would be on their name, else you would be 'selfish' again) is pure selfishness, on his part.
    I can understand that its not easy to have your own only son stand against you and disrespect you, but life can be unfair at times, but this too shall pass! Like many suggested, why not plan a trip!

    Also, @Rihana 's question has made me think, so I am being frank here - As you have planned for your retirement, please plan for your old age as well. Set aside funds separately (plan as you would want to)!
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    Very sorry to read about your situation.

    It must be heart breaking to see your son turn into a selfish ,entitled ,greedy and abusive man.But did he just become this now?
    Good people don't suddenly become bad just because they get married.(since you asked for honest opinion)
    A good child(keeping it gender neutral) does not become a blood sucking greedy child ,no matter what.People are what they are.

    We as parents try to bring up children to be good children but as the formative years pass by..we see negative traits in our children and we ignore them ,overlook or sometimes even colour them a milder tone. A mean talking child(adult) is called 'badmaash' with a smile.A selfish greedy child is called naughty or a little spoilt .We even find excuses for their behavior...because we can no longer control or change them. They are our children and we will not call them bad,because then it is our failure as parents.

    Marriage does not change the basic trait of a person.
    The traits can increase or decrease in intensity depending n the spouse.A mature and balanced spouse can temper the negative traits of a person.
    Similarly ,an immature or greedy spouse can make the negative traits worse.
    Your son has found someone similar to him too marry. Your dil unfortunately is also immature ,entitled and greedy like your son.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op,
    Your big mistake was to hand over one third of your savings to your son for buying a house.
    When people get easy money without having to work hard for it....they do not value it.When they see more of that easy money lying around...they turn greedy.
    What is done is done .No use crying over it.

    1)Please safe guard your finances now.Sorry for bringing this up while you both are so young in body and heart.
    Even if your property and money may be on joint name....please get a will made stating that everything will go to the surviving partner because otherwise part of the property and money will be divided between your son and the surviving partner .What is left may not be enough for the surviving partner.

    2) Talk to your son. Invite him over alone and talk to him about how you are hurt and disappointed by his abusive and greedy behavior.Do not discuss dil because then things will go on a different tangent. Tell him this is about you both and him.

    Refuse to discuss property or money with him. Let him know you are sick of this talk and any decision about your property or money will only be yours and not his.The house is your future. You can reverse mortgage it or sell it f required in future.Do not go for this joint house option. You will lose the right to do what you want to do if they co own or even live with you(for emotional reasons).

    You always have the option of leaving everything to your grand children.

    3) Let him know you wish the best for them and your grand daughter.....whether they let her be a part of your life or not. Offer to take care of her till they find a good nanny. If that is not an option...tell them to ask dil' parents to help for a year like you have .
    Offer to be always there for her during an emergency .

    If I were in your place....I would dish the same emotional BS that they are dishing you.
    I would tell them"we failed in raising our child,we don't want to do the same for your child too...please raise her the best way you can".

    Op...please do not let these happenings dim your spirit. Time will make things better. ...but you continue to live the way you want . Continue going on vacations and doing things you want .You both have the best years of life ahead of you .Enjoy it together ,youhave worked hard for it.You deserve it .
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2017
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  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Valli,

    In your planning, I see hope for the dils of tomorrow. However, your dil seems to be one of a kind. The reasons I can think of for this are:

    1. She probably wants to have an easier time. Now she has to manage home, work and kid. She probably sees living with you as a solution to her issues. Tough. Ask them next time whether her parents are also selfish and if they are not, why don't the two live with them? They are also ILs, they are also the grandkid's grandparents. What applies for her parents applies to you too.

    2. It's none of your dil's business where you go or where you don't. She sounds like an old naani out of the 18th century.

    3. You don't owe your son any explanations about how much money you have or why you want to save etc. For now assume that you will not be taken care of them in your old age. So you need to save for that.

    4. You do not owe your dil your jewellery. Why are both of them so greedy? You got the jewels before your mil passed away. And that because you had a good relationship with her. What makes her think she can lay claims on the jewellery right away? Don't give them any more money or jewels UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. DON'T SELL YOUR HOUSE. These are your investments for your old age in case they don't take care of you or ill-treat you.

    Perfectly said Valli. I don't worry for you. You seem to have your priorities perfectly right. Am sure you will take the right decisions.

    5. Don't discuss your old age and need for savings etc. with them. They might just play a game to win your trust and after getting the money from you go back to their old ways. Make it clear to them that they are educated, capable of earning for themselves and should do so. Tell them you are not obliged to leave them anything and if they do get anything, they should count their blessings.

    6. As for hiring a nanny, don't. Tomorrow they might turn around and accuse you if anything goes wrong. Let them take care of themselves.

    7. If this behaviour continues, just tell them they are not welcome at your place till they learn to behave themselves.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2017
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  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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  7. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Can I reply to your question how should a Dil behave? There is no only one right or wrong answer dear. It depends person to person and each family dynamics. If the grandparents are healthy and really love to spend their time with their grandkids and dont see all the associated chores as a burden and can manage without any frustrations or unpleasantness, by all means leave the kids to them.But if the grandparents had decided they are done with the child care and can't manage, that should be fine too. Afterall they have done their part in life and should be free to decide what they want to do with the rest of their life. The essence is everyone, be it the young couple or old parents.. everyone deserves to decide their boundaries in life.

    If your Mil loves to spend time with your daughter and is happy to look after after her, why worry too much?? Here in OP's case her Dil and son was rude and greedy and was not appreciating their help. Instead they were bullying OP and husband for their selfish needs.
     
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  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @VaniVyas it is the storynof the donkey,the man and the son and the society. Society has a view for every action.and this is one such question that would have different answes

    In an ideal scenario, if the son and dil live in a joint set up the in-laws can take care of the kids if they are able enough and sometimes with the help of a maid to help them. And without the micromanaging of the situation from the dil.

    If the parents of the dil took care of the child, the inlaws can help and discuss about the best that is to be done for the child. It is called inclusive raising. I know young ladies who curtly reply to the mil, when the mil asks is your mom guving this to the baby, x was given this, that my mom knows everything and takes good care of the baby. The young mother is trying to place a wedge there instead you can call mom and tell her she will be interested or i will tell mom is all that is needed.

    What if the situation is such that both parents can't be there or the new parent wants the child close to her that she puts the baby in the office creche or somewhere close. It would suffice to tell both set of parents that you know that they are there for you and the baby, but you would find it easier knowing she is closer and that raising a baby at their age should be about being with the baby and not running around the baby 24x7 and you will call upon either when it is needed.


    We know that our elders raised kids, they may or maynot ve aware of recent developments and issues. Say a nut allergy and lactose intolerence and autism are all then new issues with more occurences. ideal gps would want to do the best for their grandkids. But as @SunPa said earlier the guilty feeling and to some extent forums and peer make us want to be supermoms that the moms end up wanting everything done as per their schedules. You do it when you leave the baby the first few weeks it is fine.

    But i would say call them to enquire about your kiddo for your sanity, but also involve them ask them did they have me time, did the baby give trouble, did he do something.

    In a ideal scenario, it takes a village to raise a baby but as parents we want the village to help but on our terms that is when things get sour.

    Lucky are those who have these ideal relationships, rest of us work around a way that suits us best, but it is not necessarily the best wih respect to others . It should be about love and involvement and pitching in for our loved ones not out of a sense of duty.


    Coming to this above situations of valli.
    Valli offered them a nuclear setup because the house was far away and they wanted the newly weds to have no interference it was great then.
    The baby was brought to valli's home everyday I wonder why it was not a distance for a small baby. When your baby is too precious and you doubt everybody around or you want to micromanage your baby then it is better they take care right. Then the ideal situation would be come sit down with your parents and talk that I would like more help can we find a more conducive solution instead of hurling out all hurtful things.

    Let me take my situation. I had no support from foo. My in laws did not take care and mil was not healthy enough. Not great financials to opt for a nanny. I had to forego great opportunities overseas in the mid 90's because of my baby. And then my son was born with issues I opted to stay at home. It was a mutual decision between me and my husband and I had my hands full.
    Now fast forward 20yrs. I have too many health issues and I do not know what the future holds. It would be selfish if I would want my dd to be married off so that I can finish my duty as the so called society deems to think. Get her married a baby in a couple of years and your duty as parent is complete. Arre Such a neat planning by people. When I say I am not well, the first thing I am told by the conservative locale people is take care of your health, you have to get your kids married, take care of deliveries and helping with the baby. I wonder why this conditioning.my dd may want to marry after another few years and want a baby after another few years and there is no guarantee I can take care, so what is wrong in being upfront I am not going to take care of their kids and they are not my responsibility. To say no and do is ok according but to promise and not fulfill is wrong according to me. It is better to not raise expectations even if they are from us by us. Priorities and situations, circumstances change and I am going to be fine with whatever they do, that said they also know we as parents are with them and will support them with their choices and will advice only if asked in their married life.

    Understand the situations, discuss communicate openly not making comments behind the concerned person is a healthy way. An ideal situation for a child would be lovely grandparents who pamper and tell stories, love them and not interfere in the way the parents want to raise the child and the parents should understand when the gps take care of the kid they can discipline the child too. It is a child and not the egos of the adults that matter.

    Sorry to digress @Valli1964 in your thread
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2017
  9. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    @Valli1964 i do not know dynamics in your son -Dil life as in the other set of parents involved and more. it could be that they are getting many suggestions from all and someone would have pressed the right buttons like..

    :anguished:
    1. The oldies why can't they go to piligrimage and say Krishna Rama and gather punya for the other side.
    2. It is their duty to take care of the grandkid period.
    3. The oldies with their lifestyle are enjoying trips. What if something happens you two will be saddled with taking care of them for long.
    4. Secure yourself now or you would be saddled with medical expenses later. The fear that you may sell your home or the greed to get hands on money during developments is something that could trigger a pressure to sell. The other is having nearones(their choice)invest into the development to stay together(have seen this manipulation).
    From what you say it is the grandparents property and any more ugly scenes could make it uglier on his rights[/QUOTE]

    Sounds very possible. As for it being an inheritance from the grandparents, if it is, yes, he can claim a right over it, but while his parents are still alive? And if I remember right, someone (Valli?) mentioned that it was built out of their savings, in which case he has no automatic right.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2017
  10. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Duplicate.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2017

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