Need Honest Opinions

So to the point. I want to ditto it.

 

Dear OP- hugs to you dear. Feel sorry for you that you have to bear all this from your own child. Your son and his wife - both are pure selfish. They want free accommodation, free food, free living, free lifestyle. If you all live together, your son and his wife will keep their earnings with themselves. Meaning you will run the house with your money and on their terms. Your son is a bigger planner than you, only in a pathetic self centered way.

 

So happy n proud to c u takin a stand for urself. Way to go .. u r not selfish, they r. U have d rites to live as much as them.
if he uses d trump card of grand child again to force u for money. Jus scare him sayin "I have raised my son wrong who has no family values n is jus greedy. So to correct my mistakes, Instead of leavin my properties to an ungrateful brat, I will write it off to orphanages n give life to them."

Plan ur retirement for more years too bcoz dey don seem to b d kind who will take care of u even if u write off ur last cent to them. You r a true example of a good modern day mil. It's jus sad dat u hav to go thru this. But jus like how we advise d abused dil to take der stand in traditional situations. We hav done d same for u. U r surely inspiring a lot here Stay strong

 

I know one exact son-dil combination here.They want each penny of parents and they go to any extent to get that.
They would promise the parents that we will invest together, get the money, at end of the day they send the parents off with zero pennies in hand.
I know it's hurt its own blood, but never dream of living with them under one roof.You loose your peace and sanity.
How can DIL demand your jewelry?Don't even go close to that women.You had a peaceful life and continue to achieve that.Your love can be shared to many people in the world.Not necessary to your granddaughter.

 

Valli ma'am. You are a wonderful person. Nice to see you and your husband have managed your retirement plans . hope all turns out well soon.

 

Dear ma'am

First of all, you are not wrong, rather you are perfectly right on everything you have done here.
You have raised your son well, and beyond that point whatever you have given him should be considered gifts. You were generous enough to gift an adult son an elaborate wedding, gifts to his wife, and an advance to rent a comfortable home.
In fact, the men of this age wouldn't be comfortable accepting such gifts from their parents' hard earned money. More so, we girls (of your son's age) think that we must grow responsible and help our parents to have a solid retirement plan before we flee our nest.
In fact, many girls have grown independent now a days, and conduct their own weddings, that too after properly settled down in life ( with a career/house/vehicle).
So, it is a shame your grown up son looks up on his parents for his wedding, and other expenses. More so, he is shamelessly asking your retirement fund too.

A 32 yr old man, who could not fund his own life will never be able to fund the lives of his dependent parents in a respectful manner.
It is clear that his wife will be forced to lead the household, if she is an independent type. However, no matter how much you support your son (from your retirement fund), it is less likely that you would be respected by him or his wife when you stay with them as their dependents.
So, don't give any importance to such emotional black mailing right now.

Just like, teen kids throw tantrums over expensive gadgets and stuff, without understanding their family's actual status due to irresponsibility, your grown up son too throws this tantrum. He actually doesn't understand what do you mean by retirement fund. He doesn't know how to save such a FD, and how to protect it either.
Looks like, he will lose this too in no time, and will shamelessly depend on his wife. He can depend on his wife, as he has already been a fullest dependent on his parents (even after being an adult). He will not have any shame on this.
But your H, who thinks it is "not right" to depend on his son even after his retirement age, would be devastated, should fate forces him to be a complete dependent in someone's house.

However, don't be too strict or rude when you explain your plans with them.
It is great to have a solid retirement plan. But an FD alone can't make your retired life perfect. We human are social animals, and we are filled with emotions, and certainly with age and ailments we require more emotional support than financial support.
You will know this when you really really become old.

My mom had a solid retirement plan with dad. A house, a running business in their name, FD and a perfect life was theirs.
We, the children were very independent, and settled though not married when dad suddenly left us.
Mom never wanted to live with any of us after we are married. She hated this nanny job, and always wanted to be left alone, and to pursue her hobby.
But fate had other plans. She became too vulnerable and depressed after dad's death. She felt lonely, and very much insecure after that.
She could not run her own life, so leave alone running the business and other stuff.
She needed someone or the other beside her, else it affected her health.

After my marriage, she was very much occupied with my kid - which has changed her life completely. She feels that she has a purpose in her life now. Her life is completely dwells around my kids. She babysits, and in fact raise my kids.
She no longer plans about her FD. She says that should be divided among her grand kids (6 of them now). Her business is eventually taken over by my bro, and her house is written off to my sister and she plans to share her golds with me. But it all happened with a flow based on what her children needed time in time out. She never stopped being our mother. Which means, she is helping us.

Had she was too stubborn on her assets as they are her retirement plans, she would have lost a peaceful retired life. I am sure she never wanted to stay with her children hoping her retirement plan would be enough. But today, she can not stay alone, thus always wanted to stay, rather be a part of her DD's family. Fate is very tricky.

She is being a child as she age, yet we the children are very much tolerating and accommodating her with love. Because she was very flexible and selfless when she had everything. That matters.

You can't stop being a mother to your son just because he is married. He is yet to grow up and man up.
You have a solid role here to play.
Help him grow up in whatever the ways by not giving in to his tantrums.
He can't be happy and respected if he is like this.
There are ample ways to support a child when he is in need than loosing your base.
Just because he is wrong, you can't leave him just like that.

You know better than me. Please have a balance.

 

Ma'am, seeing your other posts, I think you should now just tell your son off. Tell him he needs to think before insulting you any further. Tell him his demands is extremely greedy and self-centred. Tell him that you are quite disappointed with him. Tell him as a parent you have educated him and gone above and beyond by helping him buy his flat. Tell him if he wants to hold you to ransom, it is his choice - while you are extremely sad he is stooping so low, you are going to maintain your dignity and hope he comes to his senses. Wish him luck and give him time to think and sort himself out.

Do not justify your stance. You don't have to. And your MIL'S jewels are yours to do with as you please. Tell him since his wife didn't care for your sentiments, perhaps it should go to your sil's offspring... I do think it is time to send some home truths his way even if it were vaguely threatening.

I admire the way you've planned your life and your noninterfering approach. Please do hold your head high and don't let him break you.

 

@Rihana what is the guarantee when you are in need of support or help your loved one is going to be there or pitch in. Going by some of the threads, I would say chances are 50-50. You are lucky if you get support and you are even more lucky if you are strong willed and can manage yourself.

The one thing that you don't do can erase away the good you do for most of your life. True, but doing good at the expense of your happiness and sanity all the time( talking in general not just this case) for how long..the moral fear of karma biting you back??

Regarding old age, I already have been enquiring about assisted living retirement homes in India and my friends think I am mad to think about them. Having been a caregiver for long I know how hard it would be for one in case of my becoming sick. We even thought of investing in a home only to retract as we felt renting one would make sense.

@Valli1964 i do not know dynamics in your son -Dil life as in the other set of parents involved and more. it could be that they are getting many suggestions from all and someone would have pressed the right buttons like..


1. The oldies why can't they go to piligrimage and say Krishna Rama and gather punya for the other side.
2. It is their duty to take care of the grandkid period.
3. The oldies with their lifestyle are enjoying trips. What if something happens you two will be saddled with taking care of them for long.
4. Secure yourself now or you would be saddled with medical expenses later. The fear that you may sell your home or the greed to get hands on money during developments is something that could trigger a pressure to sell. The other is having nearones(their choice)invest into the development to stay together(have seen this manipulation).
From what you say it is the grandparents property and any more ugly scenes could make it uglier on his rights



Now coming to my POV....

Have a will as suggested by many here.
You have a choice of getting a Engineer look into the plan and discuss if the existing house can be expanded into +1 (exclusive) and sit with your son and tell him that he can fund the construction selling his flat or taking a loan choice is his (a long shot)
Take a medical insurance if you don't have one.
Go for a pension scheme if your fd's are not giving great returns. The senior citizen benefits will help you. Get in touch with someone who is not vested in these development to help you . But looking at your planning I am sure you are secured.
regarding the jewellery,valli most kids do not hold so much sentiments to jewellery. We are amidst a gen that exchanges mobiles within 5 to 6 months. It would have happened even if you had given it to your daughter. You could have explained the sentimental value to her and asked her preference,stating that you want to give something from your son's granny as a blessing and would be happy if they could keep it as it is. Expecting your dil to have those sentiments is a wee bit more. After a gift is given the deed is done. What is done with the gift is not to be looked in deeply. Easy said.. I know I should not be saying this.. hold on to memories..strong materialistic attachment bring pain whether you are 20 or 60. Yes it is real hard but going forward it would help a lot.
I have a clarity as I write this post coming to any jewellery I bought for my kids I should be open if they (as in son and daughter) would want to exchange for a new pattern. After i give it to them it is their's to do. I may look harsh but seeing it happening across many families I think this way is better..and mine will go to them later and I would not be around to see whatever they do..

Your son may not be having a closer preview of handling the other set of parents from you. And sometimes kids are confused on handling relationships owing to their exposures. And that does not make your son spineless. He does not know how to balance, and is being influenced and the argument would be what @32.
He needs to grow, life makes it happen just like you need to practice standing straight sitting straight for a good spine posture.

You continue living by your choices but do give a clue to your son you are here to help only if asked and would not volunteer without being asked and your grandkids are part of your family and you will be vested in them but from a distance unless asked. And be firm with your finances.
And stay happy.

We as parents need to instill that as they grow. Stop deciding for them, stop planning for them. Allow them to do it giving choices. You cannot take hurt for how he turned. You are not the moral police or the light to his path all the time and he would resent it and would feel yeah my saintly modern parents giving me lecture.
You had a great relationship quotient with in laws and career and life. You are lucky. Not necessary that your dil thinks so. Just go with the flow. Sometimes it is hard to hear such things. Makes us wonder where did we go wrong but then we are not the only people in our adult children's life.

Will stop here.. I once again have to say this let us all agree to disagree if you are not in agreement. what I write is from my experiences alone and may or may not be in tandem with your thoughts. I am the sandwich in between two generations the in-laws and the adult kids.

 

Sigh! There are scores of DIL's who do not have MILs like this, and the ONE DIL who HAS a MIL like this doesn't know her value!!

@Valli1964, now would be a good time to plan another trip to Shimla. Your money, your life, and you're free now.

 

Plus...

Your communication with your son and DIL matters here.
1) You asked them to vacate the house immediately for a nuclear set up
Your idea was good. In fact, you have thought about their privacy and convenient. But looks like it hasn't been communicated well.
Instead of asking them to vacate the house, you might have given them an option.
Perhaps, a working wife/mom prefers a joint family for convenience. Perhaps a not so financially settled couple prefer a joint family to control their expenses. Perhaps, their finances, household chores, and more importantly the new kid and the new responsibilities might be more threatening for them. At this point, they can hardly understand your POV about their need to privacy and convenience here.

2) You were shocked to see when your DIL replaced your beloved MIL's chain
In fact, I am not sure whether you have given her enough idea about the special value attached to this chain. Have you told her about your sentiments and how you want this chain to be maintained? Have you informed this to your DIL directly or via your son?
If not, you can't repent your DIL's decision here. Perhaps a clear communication would have done a miracle.

3) Baby sitting
Have you told your DIL about your limitations, and in particularly how her constant controlling annoyed you?
Have you spoken this with your son?
Have you given enough assurance to your DIL on babysitting the kiddo?
Because me and my MIL are poles apart when it comes to parenting. Her style is something I can't accept. So, I would repeatedly ask her to follow it my way, by thinking her way might harm the kid - specially when the kid is trained as per my way.
It took me 3-4 years to embrace the differences and let it go. No DIL gets the maturity right after the marriage.
Now that I would leave the kids at MIL's place and stop worrying about anything.
The child's age matters too. My kids are 3 and 6. When they were infants, I used to bother a lot.

Now.. after seeing your post, I am thinking whether I was too controlling back then?
But all I expect from my MIL is to be graceful and have the understanding about the panic mode of a new mom.