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Need Help !! What Mistake Am I Doing ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Mylifeatusa, Aug 10, 2018.

  1. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Its a very difficult situation. He needs a lot of therapy to stop this behavior but if he is in denial mode, therapy is pointless. Maybe you can sign him up to some sort of a motivational workshop .
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op..he needs the help of a psychiatrist.
    This will not end without treatment.

    Recently there as news of arrest of a man who was so suspicious of his wife even when she turned 50 that he broke her front two teeth to make her less attractive. He was an auto driver and he would make her sit with him in the front seat with him the whole day while he drove people in the back seat. Sorry couldn't find the link.

    He needs to gets treated.
    How you do it is upto you.
    With love, coercion or threat is upto you.Choose whichever is possible.

    This kind of behavior is not right for kids to watch.

    If you can't get him to take help....then tell him he has a mental problem that he is not willing to take care of...hence you will no longer listen to his nonsense. If he does this in front of children,then it is far more serious.

    In India... constantly accusing spouse of infidelity without sufficient cause is grounds for divorce because itbis considered mental cruelity.
     
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  3. Outlander

    Outlander Bronze IL'ite

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    I feel so sorry but u r a smart and an educated lady with two kids, working and earning. You are a role model to your kids! You dont deserve to b yelled at or see you with a suspicion of affair by your partner. So step up the game everytime stop saying my parents are going to be sad my parents r that my parents are this! You have to think about ur life and example u want to set to your kids as growing up they have to see you as a strong lady not as a victim of some abuse and yes abuse doesnt mean only hitting it could be in any form!!
    Take charge make him sit and ask thoroughly what does he think of this relationship ,you and kids and your future as a family also ask him whether is he ready to take any charge if counselling etc has organized? If u r not getting proper well deserved answers get out of that relationship! You r living for you and kids so stop thinking what ur parents might think initially even they r unhppy after they gonna applaud u for being out of that toxic relationship!! Trust me down the road it gonna create a mess to u and ur kids if u dont take charge!! In this wide world there are million solutions to problems all u hv to do is think and understand! You are in America you n your kuds can do 1000%better.All the best!
     
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  4. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't know if it will work, but can you pretend you have been laid off from your job and stay at home for a month or so( take leave from your office).Say that you stopped speaking to male colleagues and your bosses thought your behavior was unprofessional . Mope and sulk and pretend you are depressed . Give him a taste of his own medicine. So now in this scenario his ego issue would vanish but at the same time he realizes how beneficial your job is and stop creating silly issues for it.
     
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I didn't read the entire posts in this thread. But after reading your second post with a sample incident at a wedding function, everything you explained here became very clear.
    It is not your KARMA to live such a life. It is your choice, it is your foolishness, it is your inability to think beyond, and it is your wrong calculations that have lead to this level.
    Oh dear... don't be so down. It happens. Accept this and find ways to move on from here.

    Your H proved himself to be a psychopath on the very first day of your marriage by suspecting your casual act of talking with his own brother.
    He did the same again and again several times with all the men, with whom you happened to talk/interact with.

    His financial inability, need for money and your ability to make money alone let you go out of your home and work in a mixed environment in spite of his suspicions.
    Unless you are an educated and capable woman, I doubt whether your H could have even let you step out of your bedroom and kitchen due to his mental condition.

    Now, it was your utter foolishness to bring 2 kids to this life. Not because kids are added responsibilities. It is because kids make you even vulnerable to chase him out of your marriage.
    Remember it was you who decided to swallow his psycho behavior for the sake of your parents. Now that you would do that for life for the sake of your kids.
    It is not good for either of them.

    Your husband has a serious psychological problem, which I am not sure he can identify or accept without professional help.
    If he could, that is great. That can be the first step moving forward.
    If not, try to see whether he is ready for professional help to solve his problems. Again, if he is ready - good. If not, you have no choice other than to separate him.

    This US life, Visa, money and pride has ultimately no value if there is no happiness and satisfaction in your life.
    Not even the kids benefit from a life where their mom is unhappy.

    So, you decide for your life.

    If I were you, I would sit down with my H, and slowly but firmly tell him about his problems in a manner he could understand
    I would suggest him to seek professional help, and I could even arrange for that secretly should he wish so
    I would also give him an ultimatum to take it as a priority to avoid serious consequences like divorce.

    While the decision is still in his hands, I would look for ways to get myself a work permit or resident visa in US to lead a life without his interferences
    If that seems to be a problem, I would even try to find some decent jobs back in India, so that I could move back for good.
    I wouldn't be much bothered about others, as they don't matter in my life

    As a person, you are blessed with nice parents who are helpful with kids.
    You have 2 kids to count on
    You are still not very old to lose hope in life.
    In fact, for many women life begins only after their 40. Till then, they were only trying to learn how to live life.

    A single, independent life with 2 amazing kids and caring parents is much better than a suffocated life with a psychopath husband.
    Even when it comes to social norms, your divorcee status is no less than a status where your own husband publicly insult and suspect your character.
    It is all in our mind only.... Please take a deep breath and think out of the box. You will find your answers!!!
     
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  6. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    My ex was just like your husband, OP! He was a medical doctor so you can say was well educated. He was only one in his family who went to college and got a good job. He was worshipped in his family because he made a lot of money.
    I, on the other hand, came from an educated family. Both parents working, siblings and their husband in good positions etc. I was doing my PhD from a top institute in Delhi. I was also teaching part time in a college. I was paid well. He felt inferior around me and my family. He would react in exactly same way as you are describing your husband. If I speak with even a stranger he would say that I knew him and was for sure sleeping with this guy. He will say that I want to be in my lab because I am sleeping with my advisor, if I speak to a colleague/ a committee member, a professor, even my cousins, he would assassinate my character. I was 23 when I married and had no idea how to prove myself. He would be all lovely dovey for a week and bam someone texts me from the lab to ask something and his lid will blow off. I lived in constant fear of what might make him angry. When I got pregnant and miscarried, he blamed that the baby was someone else’s and aborted it. That was probably the most I could take. I left his house. He pleaded and all, I gave him second chance and he started the same character assassination again. Then it was no looking back. I left him, left all the toxicity.
    In nutshell, you are not the problem and I am not sure if you can do anything to win his trust. Blaming you, putting you down makes him feel superior and feeds his ego. If you want to make this work, start standing up for yourself. Tell him sternly that if he keeps making these allegations you will take the kids and go. More you try to please him, more he will put you down.
    Good luck!
     
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  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    His action is irrational and you need to get him help.

    There is something is missing.

    Why did he give 50K when you made more money than him? Why did you go along knowing what he is like?

    I don’t understand your cavalier attitude towards your cousin. True, it may not have been the right time. Trust and integrity doesn't mean anything? Your cousin broke that trust; but, you seem to be thinking he is wrong “to show to our relatives that he gave some money to my cousin.”

    The shame is on your cousin that he didn’t return the money and not that every one came to know that he borrowed the money from your husband.

    Don't get me wrong; I fully support you based on your post. I also want to be objective.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2018
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I disagree with this, and sorry for quoting your lines above.

    The problem here is not about this cousin, but the OP's husband who failed to value her or disrespected her.
    His insecurity or whatever could be the cause of his reaction, but that can never be justified here.

    As for the cousin's case, we have no details to judge anyone here.
    Whether this cousin cheated them with the money or whether he/she was in deep financial trouble; hence communicated his/her delay already.
    Whether this cousin has already mentioned a certain time frame to repay the loan. We don't know.
    Nevertheless, a family wedding is not the right time to talk about such sensitive matters. That too infront of several relatives.
    It is not just insulting that particular cousin, but equally insulting the wife (OP) and her family who is hosting this wedding function.
    Can you imagine such a scene in our family weddings before hundreds of relatives and others? Specially before the bride/groom's side people? Isn't it a great insult?

    Even if the cousin was wrong, OP's H should have discussed this with his wife, and found a way to deal with it instead of dragging this matter before others to surprise OP in such an insulting way.
    Given his attitude towards insulting OP previously and on the same function as well about his brother's matter, I wouldn't drag this matter away from OP's original concern here. He seems to be an insecure psychopath.
     
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  9. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    This has nothing to do with the problem. Still, it is an incident brought up by OP.
    If he was that rational we wouldn't be reading this post ....

    Nothing to be sorry for quoting. Everyone has different point of view; it was an observation.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2018
  10. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    How this 50K came about gives clues for OP's ability to convince him for going to the doctor for diagnosis.
     

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