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Need Help !! What Mistake Am I Doing ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Mylifeatusa, Aug 10, 2018.

  1. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Here is something that I kept in my heart from last 10 years. But its killing me day by day. Please read advice what should I do. Sorry for the long post.

    · I have married 10 years before and it’s an arranged marriage when I was just out of college. DH is 7 yrs older than me

    · DH is from very poor family and we are middle class. He did his Phd and settled in US when we got the alliance. I thought he might be a hardworking and smart guy to achieve phd in young age and to be settled in US and thought we both can work and build our finances. So never bothered about his financial status and said ok for match. And he lost his mom when he is 2 and he has 2 elder brothers who are married there is Zero support from his family in any matter which I’m ok with.

    · Everything was fine and we got married, very next day we went to Tirupathi when we reach the place his younger brother gave me newspaper and I took it, my DH took me side and said what’s going on between you I didn’t exactly get what he is talking and I said nothing. When we are coming back he said what is lacking in me !! YES ALL THESE AFTER FIRST DAY OF OUR WEDDING. I was 22 when I got married and no boyfriends or anything. I cried a lot he consoled me. I didn’t mention anything to my parents as they are happy that their daughter got married so I don’t want to make them sad. Everything was fine and he repeated that same exact words when we did our Laxmi puja and I hand over prasdam to his younger brother along with others. BTW his brothers never mis behaved with me. I stayed only 4 days in their home after wedding moved back to US.

    · In US first few months is fine and he started saying those weird words like are u happy are you enjoying whenever I speak with his friend who happened to be our neighbor again there is no mistake from other end they used say hi hello and that’s it.

    · We moved to different place with in US, there he is fine for couple years and then he used to make same remarks whenever I speak with one of my friends DH..I never speak closely with other genders except casual Hi Hello. I’m closer with their wife’s. We lived here 6 yrs.

    · He is unemployed for couple yrs and I earned and maintained whole family. Worked until I go to labor and started working after 5 weeks with a c-section delivery and a toddler. My mom was here to help me.He used to stay home all day and say all these useless words even when I’m 8 months pregnant.

    · Again we moved to another place for better opportunities. Where is unemployed for 4 months later I recommended him in my work place and he got a contracting job without an interview. And They made him fulltime later. He is fine here from last 1 yr and started blaming me again whenever I speak with my male colleagues.

    · He didn’t save anything before marriage and even though he has PHd he is very poor in communicating in English and very low class when dealing with elders and uses all sorts of bad words. Which Unfortunately I didn’t know before wedding. We had two kids and I’m adjusting for everything for the sake of my kids and for my parents.

    · He is a good dad and takes care of kids very well. And I feel he lives me too but he don’t express it even though he is responsible in areas.

    · Sometimes I feel I have no value in his heart.

    · The only thing I want to know is why he thinks I flirt around with other men. Even though I really communicate formally with them.

    · There are other women I our friends group who talk very close to other men in group along with my DH..but he has no issues with them.

    · His attitude is causing lot of stress in me even to communicate with people at work as needed.

    · What can I do..please advise ladies.
     
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  2. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Please read and advise !!
     
  3. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi @Mylifeatusa the only person who needs advise and some sense drilled into him is ur husband and sadly he is not here. Not sure what I can suggest other than counseling. He seems to be suffering from a case of severe inferiority complex which manifests itself into distrust/blame game when it comes to u. Not all people will trigger this reaction from him - its only those with whom he feels outsmarted. It might have had its beginnings right from his childhood hence the issue with his sibling.
    When all is said and done there is no reason why u should bear the cross. With 2 kids I can see why u might want to give this marriage another shot. Insist on counseling .Even if he doesn't budge do find one for urself .U need some professional and proven strategies to help manage it.
     
  4. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Justanothergirl..Thank you for your response. That's exactly True he is very inferior and he struggled a lot in his career I helped many times morally to keep him ahead of me..he can't digest if someone likes me or appriciates me at work and says all indirect words to pull me down.I make more than him even though I'm younger to him and I only has Masters I'm a topper at in all my academics and high performer in My team which he cant digest..But he likes my salary so I need to work. More than 60% of earnings from last 10 yrs is mine and family especially my mom is the main reason for me to settle well in career in USA she helped me alot when I need someone to take care of my kids...He is not ready accept the facts and thinks he is superior to everyone. Only thing he bring to this marriage is my VISA and two kids and lot of domination everywhere !!
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2018
  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Thats just so sad. Spousal jealousy is actually not as uncommon as people think. If his anger/complex was not directed at u but more towards himself then there are ways to bring him up by nurturing his self-esteem. I think that time window has passed. He in all likelihood is not going to accept that the issue is with him because that will shatter the imaginary world he is living in . I only hope I am wrong. A professional would be able to get to the heart of it. What u need to do regardless is try to be firm with him without getting into heated arguments and keep repeating to urself that u are not the cause. U need strategies so u don't go into depression or something like that . Keep that career going and don't back down from any professional /career advancements. With or without his consent.
     
  6. Greenbay

    Greenbay Gold IL'ite

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    1. Start maintaining a journal on all the interactions (along with date and time stamp) you have with male colleagues and his interactions with female colleagues and mention clearly when your interactions were mostly professional. Having a written trail is useful when countering the allegations

    2. Do not mention that you earned more than him all these years. Husband-wife relationship should not weighed by monetary gains. He was responsible for entering to US, so he can argue that his decision to come to US helped you earn more

    3. Phds usually do not earn more than masters in Software or IT related careers. Top marks in academics, top performer in team are things you should be proud of to raise your self esteem but I am not sure whether these are mentioned to him too to make him feel inferior

    4. Having a mother at home for longer duration to help you with your career and bring up kids is usually not advised especially when your husband has ego issues. Some well meaning men might not mind the constant presence of MILs at their homes majority of the time but many do especially if MILs too carry the superiority that their daughters earn more than their Son-In-Laws. Lot of threads here are DIL lamenting on MIL's superiority/interference, so gender reversal should have similar consideration

    Do not leave your job as that is one thing that will help you in case of separation. Good luck.
     
    Topaz49 and Sunshine04 like this.
  7. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi.. Thank you for your reply. As i mentioned in my first post..i never shared any of these with any one..my parents dont know that I earn more or he is out of work for 2 yrs.My mom stayed 6 months each during delivery and not longer periods..and she never mentioned that anythign about his career..they always think he is doing much better than at career front..my biggest concern is not about how much he earn and i never mentioned it too..never even once..I DON'T KNOW WHY HE THINKS I DO SOMETHING WRONG AND STARTS BLAMING ME OUTOF NOWHERE..some times i didnt even have a clue what he is talking about..at times i feel i dont deserve this and just die so he will realise that Im pure in and out...I REALLY CANT SHARE THIS PAIN INSIDE ME WITH ANYONE..HENCE THE POST.EVERYTJING WILL BE FINE FOR FEW WEEKS AND ALL OF A SUDDEN SOMETHING TRIGGERS HIM AND HE STARTS BLAMING ME USING BAD WORDS WHICH I never HEARD FROM ANYONE IN MY LIFE..
     
  8. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    I need to mention this incident..im not sure if it helps to analyze his character...

    we went to our brothers wedding in 2015..he joined us on the day when groom making celebration is started..we waited for him to do the ceremony..my dad went to his home picked him up..the moment he entered iur home he is fine for 10 minutes and started a big fight on my cousin who needs to give him 50k..its not the time he is shouting loudly..calm down after 30 mins..same day afternoon we are serving lunch to kids im 5months pregnant with my 2nd kid..he started blaming me that Im wantedly standing across the room so his younger brother can see me..and saying "SO IS THE VIEW GOOD ENOUGH " Im not sure what he is talking about until he showed his brother to me across the room.And he made me DO OATH ON MY BABY IN BELLY TO PROVE THAT ITS NOT MY INTENTION...WHAT CAN WE SAY MY KARMA RIGHT..I MIGHT HVE DONE LOT OF SINS IN MY PREVIOUS LIFE.
     
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    He is disgusting. There r 2 options
    1 . He goes for some treatment, and if it works continue the marriage
    2 if not, just divorce him. He is toxic for u and ur kids also
     
  10. Mylifeatusa

    Mylifeatusa Silver IL'ite

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    Im thinking along the same lines..till date i have failed to analyze his character and what exactly in my behavior is Provoking him to make those kind of comments and making him to question my character!!

    My parents dont know all these and i have portrayed a very lovey dovey picture of married life in front of them..so no idea how they would react all these things even though they know he has anger issues but they dont know that he is suspecting my character from day1 of our wedding.
     

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