Need Help Communicating my feelings to husband without a fight

I understand how it must hurt you to not have your husband be as attentive and supportive towards you in the manner that he is towards his own family.

In instances like those, whether it's us being criticized for being close to our own family or whether we criticize others for being close to theirs…one thing we must always remind ourselves of is:
"Why not?" You grew up with your family. Your parents raised you. You would never stand to see them or your relationship with them be insulted or criticized. To subscribe to the notion of "the boy and his family are everything" the moment a girl gets married and that she herself along with her family is a "second class citizen" is archaic and foolish and should not be encouraged by us (as the women) or by our families. Relationships take time, effort, trust and honesty. They don't just "magically" happen overnight. The relationship with our spouse and their family is no less different.

With that said, it's going to be tricky to explain your disappointment with him without coming across as petty or comparing yourself to other people/women in his life. Allow him to be the brother that he is. Just because the other has made a mistake, you are better because you are aware of it and therefore, should not be the one to perpetuate it or make him feel guilty for helping her.

On the other hand, I see this as an opportunity for you to improve your relationship with your husband and his family.

I don't know if his sister is married our coming out here completely alone (which is scarier and more drastic for someone transitioning to a new country). I were in your shoes, I'd probably tell him something along the lines of "I understand very well what she is going through. The move out here was incredibly hard and sudden for me and I wish I had someone who would have supported me during the major transition when I first came out here for the first time. She is lucky to have her brother here to care for her and we should help her through this."

Again, try not to project negativity if you can. It's hard, but I am a believer that you will receive what you project out (from within). Try your best to treat him/his family as your own by being supportive of him, and his relationship with his family. Request he be the same with you and yours. I have been doing the same (and believe me, it has NOT been easy) and even during adverse situations, I've only been able to come out having a stronger bond with my husband, the majority of his family and even my own.

 

Just say it. There is no other way to express your feeling of hurt without hurting him. Whether he repeats it or not, he should know how it hurt you. When he can console his sister, the same rule applies for you.

 

say "I totally understand how your sis feels, I was in same otherwise worse situation...good that she atleast has a support...unlike me"...

Be ready for an argument...and oh baby how I wish you win it.

 

Agree with rose and heron.Don't make a big issue of it but get it off your chest.It's not such a big thing...he should be able to take it.
Something like"I wish you had felt the same for me when I was in the same boat"....or "different rules for different people."

If he wants to fight because of the comment....just ignore and walk away. If you don't tell the guys, they live in the belief that they do nothing wrong.

 

Sometimes guys do not know what to say when they see a person crying or feeling sad. Maybe he told that to you when you were feeling down because he did not know of any other way to soothe your nerves or to make you feel better. Yes I know it hurts, I have been through that phase too of settling down temporarily in a new country with no one to talk to or share feelings with but slowly over time one gets used to it as you did now. Try to remove that feeling of yours, it will hamper you and your relationship with your DH. Maybe after seeing your emotions he got to know how even after having everything married ladies feel and want contact with their own family and so he must be feeling extra careful for his sister.

 

Eggjactly...
My MIL displays her feelings with a sad tone and shows how disappointed or hurt she was...BAM!!!..that registers straight into DH's heart..
By my venting\shouting\arguing same point....brings out smoke from eyes,ears..and results in a burnt situation...But do I care??...No..cuz its me..and its my style to argue..
yes..there will be silent treatment and resentment for few hours\days...but..thats ok..unless we tell them..they don't get it..

 

Re: Blood is thicker than any other relation.....

Worldtraveller,

I feel for you since I was in the same boat....only difference was I was in India itself and had hardened myself to it before I got here. I was in Chennai with in-laws and husband was always on tour. Even when he went on tour to my sister's city I was not allowed to go with the reasoning "you need to bond with my parents"

You are handling it in a very mature fashion. Maybe next time he says that she is feeling very lonely, you can just gently tell him "I know exactly how she feels, because x years ago when I came here I went through the same thing" No need to tell him that he did not support you at that time and now he is supporting his sister. That will make him resent you and think you are actually feeling happy that she is in the same boat as you are. Hopefully saying this over and over will make him understand what he has done.

 

Mango, they know what they are doing , all the way long. But as you said one must say it, then the men know that women wont take all their BS with silence.

 

even I lived a decade by closing my mouth just to avoid arguments.

From last one year, I started to speak up and feeling so good. And the relation getting better now. So there is no reason you try to put in better words. If it had to blow up, let it be. But always don't loose firmness in your talk. Be firm.