Need Guidance To Secure Myself

dhivyacc · Aug 13, 2018

Topaz49 said: ↑

To resolve any issue, you need to understand what is frustrating him.
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He feels that my parents as interference. But he dint realize that the interference about his parents.
He does not want my parents / relatives and only want his.

Topaz49 · Aug 13, 2018

dhivyacc said: ↑

He feels that my parents as interference. But he dint realize that the interference about his parents.
He does not want my parents / relatives and only want his.
Click to expand...

You wrote, "My elder son even proved that they are wrong. I want all the applicable rights."
Do not get children involved. Are you fighting for your Rights?
Two wrongs does not make it right. Your parents interfering will only escalate the situation.

SGBV · Aug 13, 2018

Dear OP

Hope the tension is calmed down now.

Apart from informing Police hotlines, and involving NGOs which may eventually lead for separation, though the intention is primarily to protect you and to punish your violent husband... I would suggest you to understand the roots of this problem.

You have been married for a while with 2 kids. Now what makes your H so violent like this?
Will he calm down and be normal as if nothing happened?
Will he remain in tension or angry and have a not-so-happy marriage with you?
Is he angry with everyone else?
How is his relationship with his kids?
Is it something provoking from your side that make him aggressive?
Why is he angry with your parents in particular?
What was your defense mechanism when he goes mad?
Does he understand that you have some self protection mechanism in place, like hot-line no, contacts of charity workers, family support etc?
Are you financially independent?

Now that he is cool, and things are normal. Take this time to lay a foundation immediately.
Talk to him in a casual manner (non provocative) to let him know that his violence is not accepted in this marriage. Should he apply violence again, you will have to leave him for good as nothing is better than a safe life.
Besides, you please mention to him that you would love to talk to him and discuss the problems than discussing the issues with Police, lawyers and some charity workers - which can equally harm him.
So, welcome him for a coffee and an open chat no matter who is right or wrong.
Tell him it is OK if his expectations were wrong. Promise him that you will take them calmly to agree to disagree like adults.
If he thinks his wife doesn't understand his points, he needs to make further efforts to put sense to her and vise versa.
If both of your communication needs improvement, then welcome him to improve it together with you.
If counseling on anger management is a way, then see how best he can receive them.

Wen talking to him, always keep your calm. Don't bring past talks. Avoid involving parents' in your talks.
Keep it as a way to improve your life and not to accuse each other.
More importantly be firm, and show that on your tone.
Send an indirect message to him, so that he understands that you won't tolerate this anymore, but you are willing to resolve these issues alternatively.

dhivyacc · Aug 16, 2018

You have been married for a while with 2 kids. Now what makes your H so violent like this? - misunderstanding with maid,spouse and me.

Will he calm down and be normal as if nothing happened? - Yes

Will he remain in tension or angry and have a not-so-happy marriage with you? -- If i accept what ever he says. he will be happy or else he will be like stone in the house.

Is he angry with everyone else? - Before. Now he ok - never angry towards his relatives
How is his relationship with his kids? -after fight the relationship is 100% cool. before that hic cups were there. after that 100 % supportive, helping them showing 200% attachment and availability etc

Is it something provoking from your side that make him aggressive? - My independence

Why is he angry with your parents in particular?- they respect My independence

What was your defense mechanism when he goes mad? - I cant do anything

Does he understand that you have some self protection mechanism in place, like hot-line no, contacts of charity workers, family support etc? - No
Are you financially independent? - Yes working as software engineer

from the past 10 years i could understand that he will be alright if i keep my mouth shut - whatever happens , i should not ask anything, any questions even things are wrong , invalid , improper.

For a lady ivlova.. like that attitude.

cant involve in any family matter, they will not tell even, whenever he wants he will go to home town (his) mostly SIL house , maximum will take the children leaving me alone (stating that am not behaving properly). Even my points are valid, they will state like am invalid through some other points (no human is perfect that scenario will be used for them and not for me).
Daily emotional , financial abuse - telling that mom is not correct for each and every activity - if I talk that s all , my day ruined.

Even if i earn , i should not buy things, spend for home or children. ok if i give to u is that ok - that also not needed. he also wont buy anything for me.

dhivyacc · Aug 25, 2018

My parents are at hometown...

Its been some weeks and am diverting my focus to different thinks...

Stopped helping maids specifically to divert things and get new experiences...
eventhough i feel very tired and insecurity about children while leaving alone at home.... i just want this to be the set up for some days...

scenario today:
While talking I asked my mom, why ma am getting so many issues in my married life...
for that she says its all karma.. your dad behaved and hurt me and for that mow you are getting..

every day thinking that your father cries etc etc..

Now my thinking... but what is my fault?? .. also i now have only 2 boys no girl child.
When my spouse will realize the things he is doing to me... Because he knows that what he is doing is wrong and he is confident.
He is telling me that, I know it is wrong and am doing it to you.

dhivyacc · Sep 11, 2018

Its approximately a month After the abuse story... Am trying my level best to come out of it.
But i could not. because of kids and household chores am able to deviate...

But even a single minute if am alone... i feel deep inside lonely and feel shamed..

This week in my church some auctions happened.. After long time , my spouse also came to church.
he and sons took some toys for children in auction.
he took a saree too and kept in hall.
I could not think it was for me. i just kept in his shelf and informed in messenger.
he replies me , its for you. if you dont like , let it be there.

I got really pissed off.
I could not accept and just like that as if nothing had happened, if i dint accept again one more fault will come ...

really am confused.
I could not imagine a smooth relationship. Just keeping quiet and doing things thats all.
All for children sake. but again am not ready for all the dramas.. please help what should i do how should i react.

Sunshine04 · Sep 11, 2018

dhivyacc said: ↑

Its approximately a month After the abuse story... Am trying my level best to come out of it.
But i could not. because of kids and household chores am able to deviate...

But even a single minute if am alone... i feel deep inside lonely and feel shamed..

This week in my church some auctions happened.. After long time , my spouse also came to church.
he and sons took some toys for children in auction.
he took a saree too and kept in hall.
I could not think it was for me. i just kept in his shelf and informed in messenger.
he replies me , its for you. if you dont like , let it be there.

I got really pissed off.
I could not accept and just like that as if nothing had happened, if i dint accept again one more fault will come ...

really am confused.
I could not imagine a smooth relationship. Just keeping quiet and doing things thats all.
All for children sake. but again am not ready for all the dramas.. please help what should i do how should i react.
Click to expand...

If the abuse is an ongoing process, please sit and think and make a decision. Separate if necessary

dhivyacc · Sep 12, 2018

Not abusing physically daily ...
No talking ..
As usual am taking care of my work and if anything i use to communicate, i am telling to children.
That s how it is.

dhivyacc · Sep 12, 2018

I am not getting that trust or safety in my mind. but at the same time , i cant move out too due to my family situation.

Socialbee · Sep 12, 2018

I feel your H owes you an apology first. Everything else should be after that. Before you declare truce, talk to him and let him know how you feel and what will make you feel better. See his reaction but don’t start another fight. Later you can decide what you want to do.