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Need Guidance To Lead My Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Anjana124, Jan 27, 2018.

  1. Anjana124

    Anjana124 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear all,

    I am married for 15+ years now. I am a post graduate from one of the best institutions. I was working until I delivered my first child.

    All through my life, I have this problem. I fear talking to people. The reasons are many.

    1. Many times people put me down or prove me wrong.
    2. Somehow while talking to them I tend to mention something that displeases them. This is unintentional. But has an effect. For example, if someone fears driving a vehicle.. "I may mention I drove my child to class". This would be a trigger. They either quit bluntly or avoid talking to me or tend to give sharp remarks in future.
    3. Doubt my capabilities. As I have quit my job, and have not taken up anything else too, people have a feeling I received my education through luck. Surprisingly, this even include the people whom I studied with. I didn't sense anything during my college days. I did well. But now, I too have started to feel if I had got it by luck and that's why I couldn't fit anywhere.
    4. There is always a group which would avoid me. But the overall rule is - only they can do these things to me and I shouldn't retort and take it as such. This is more felt with my "co-sis,BIL,SIL" and also with my husband's friends and their families.

    My main problem is all these thoughts just eat me up. I keep thinking about these all the time. I end up trying to please them every time I meet. All in vain. I don't complete my work and don't get time to help kids in their studies.

    Issues now are that I am not properly taking care of my kids. Though I cook their favourite food, keep their dresses clean and tidy, I feel I have not trained them well in their habits, behaviour. Like me, I don't see them taking an interest in book reading. Most of their friends celebrate parties. But they don't really appreciate our simplicity and avoid us thinking we have nothing.

    I wish to avoid thoughts that bother me.

    I want to prioritise my work and my kids' work.

    How do I go about this?
     
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    All the negative thoughts are taking over your day to day functioning and is having an impact on your kids lives. You need to get in touch with a therapist and see if that helps you. You have self esteem issues and also feel victimized by everyone around you.I also suspect you are depressed.
    Try meditation, yoga to see if it’s helps calm the thoughts.
    Develop a hobby, join some classes. Decide to devote all your time with kids once they are home, studies and other fun things.
    Also remember people that you spend time thinking about are moving on with their lives and progressing . But you are not and I suspect your kids lives too is heavily impacted. So for the sake of their future focus on healing yourself .
    Please get help ASAP. Please Take care .
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2018
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  3. Saha123

    Saha123 New IL'ite

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    I think you are suffering with depression try to join some classes like yoga,gym
    Even some time feel the same but I stop caring them ,and I always keep busy myself.
    Talk to your friends or husband or your parents whom you believe the most .
     
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  4. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    I am also in a same position. The only difference is my marriage is of 6 years and I was an average student. I too posted here for the advice just last week. By everyones advice I learned I should grow myself too. When our growth stops our mind start reacting to such things. Don't let it be. I started reading as it will update my knowledge and I will not feel I have anything less than other. Also will try to loose some kgs that will help me to look good and will improve my personality. Always try to be presentable even if at home. The things in which you are good keep them up to date so that next time when someone show you down you can show them how you managed everything so perfectly.
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,

    Believe me you are beautiful the way you are. But now, your low confidence and self esteem are affecting you and your life badly, especially kids. You need help. You need to gain back the vibrant and confident version of you. Get rid of this negative version. You are really unhappy in your current life for reasons known only to you. Are you depressed?

    Read the post you wrote here. What reply you will give to someone if it is posted by another one? I am sure you will get an answer there.

    You dont need anybody's certificate to live in this beautiful planet. First believe in yourself. Create an I dont care attitude to others nonsense behavior. When it start to worry you, just think for a moment, is there any truth in it. Being an adult, you will be able to get an answer yourself. If there something you need to improve, try to learn and improve . If not, completely ignore others comments or behavior. It is your lack of confidence that make you insecure about others response to you

    Dont allow others to control your peace of mind or happiness. How can you do that. Just by reminding you all the time that you dont allow your negative thoughts to control your life.

    Look like you have lot of time thinking about all those negative things . A lazy mind is devil's work shop. So you have to actively use that time to be busy. Build hobbies, join yoga classes, do meditation, gardening, reading anything that makes your mind peaceful. Use this time with kids, try to read book to them (switch off Tv), play with them. If you are still worried, try to call your friends (positive ones) and chat with them , to listen to songs (with good lyrics) or gazals or whatever you like. Make you busy. Do some exercise ( that help you in many ways) if not, go for a walk, atleast for 30 minutes everyday

    Whenever you feel you are getting bothered for no reason -tell yourself - 'No I dont allow it to control my peace of mind' deviate your attention . One way is to chant some mantras or devotional slokas or songs yourself ( irrespective of religion). Focus your full attention on breathing and chanting (silent). Dont allow the thought control you. Train yourself. Only you can change you . No one else. Even if you go to therapists or counselors, they guide you, but you have to practice it.

    1). Is there any reason? If you cannot find any, then IGNORE

    2) Practice can help you.. Always think before you talk . Take few minutes to think.. Talk in a positive way, so that they feel good. Never project our own merits to those people, only our close friends understand and appreciate us. Not many will be happy about our success. Understand this reason , they may be jealous of you.. . "Sorry" is a good word to use, if you feel, you hurt someone else feelings. Dont take their response to heart. It is better to have a really good friends who understand you than a bunch of acquaintance who put you down. Avoid those negative people. Listen and ignore.

    3). If there is a will there is a way. You are educated. Try to find something that matches your experience. you can even try tuition classes. Read inspirational stories of women who succeeded with lot of struggle. Actually, you are leading a problem free life compared to many (read IL forum) women. Keep on trying. Success comes only with determination and hard work. If you can complete education, you can do anything. Don't allow others comments (may be they dont want you suceed) to get a to affect your self respect. Believe in yourself.

    4) Avoid them, why you need more negative energy. Be happy in front of them, be respectful to others. Be happy with what you have.

    Only you can stop you from those negative thoughts. Only you can help you. Everything should start from 'YOU'
    So help yourself. Spend your time reading positive stories and stop worry about negative people around.

    Schedule your life, find time for everything, be busy. What about "me time". DO you spend time for you. Everyday you should spend at least half an hour for you.

    No one can help you, if you cannot help yourself. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2018
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  6. Anjana124

    Anjana124 Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words! Before seeking a therapist, am just looking for ways if I can get some ideas for improvement.
    Yes! As stated I do have low self-esteem and low confidence level issues. It had been there right from my childhood. But had never realised or noticed it. But the recent developments at my personal level have indeed made me realise that there was something amiss in my approach.
    First and foremost is - I am not smart! Atleast over so many years of being a victim of bullying, backbiting, silent attacks - I am convinced that I am really not smart enough to handle people!
    Smart enough to understand a scenario!
    Smart enough to judge people if I can get along or not! I realised lot many people don't say directly but would trigger others at the back! Sometimes when they speak about my capabilities I feel totally miserable.
    Smart enough to weigh up the situation - whether it is serious or can be ignored!
    Smart enough to decide and go ahead with my (family related) decision! Here, everytime, I seek approval from people around - esp. husband, mil, sil.. even the slightest sign of disagreement will put me back and I wouldn't take a step further. My main fear is - what if things go wrong?
    As an example, my mil expects us to shift the house nearer to bil's house as she would love to have her sons' families next to each other. This is quite fair enough for a mom to expect. But in my initial years of my marriage we were all staying together and I had a nightmare! I wasn't treated well and though working then, I didn't even have the freedom to buy things to my taste and was tagged as being boastful when I got my sarees/slippers that they considered beyond their(bil-co-sis) level. From then on, I completely stopped getting anything to my interest. We moved abroad for few years that gave us a break. We came back (5 years now since we shifted). Now she wants us to shift, I am totally hesitant. If I open up, things will blow out of proportion! Their strong point being- my kids and bil's kids studying in the same school.
    For every small thing, I am looking for an approval.

    I wish to grow stronger in my thoughts and attitude. I need some courage to face the challenges. My main issue is handling people and not situations.
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2018
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  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I think many goes through all that, maybe the same or maybe different variations, but somewhere they stop n learn to stand up.

    I know many soft spoken - shy - weak people who had changed into a full on warrior mode n all. People change as time goes by or their situation can make them change - so our characters are changeable when the situation demands.

    This is a good start.

    Since you had asked for some ideas for improvement, I will share my own experience..

    So this is something that I did ...

    Problems: First I made a list of what am missing or need or makes me miserable n so on.

    Improvement: Then made a list of my problem areas, insecurities, where should I work on, what should I do, etc.

    Solution: Then a list of "how" to actually do it.

    One example of this 'how'..
    I tried to go for walks in my society,
    then I slowly started smiling at people,
    Then hi/bye
    Then slowly doing small talks
    Out of that, whatsapp with whoever connects better
    Then personal meet, then outing planning, parties, etc. - this category may become close friends
    N there will be other categories of jus hi-bye or small talks or still friends with no outings, etc
    This 'how' solution has worked for me to get my friends n social life.

    - All this coming from a person who's an introvert by nature, n even if people shout at me, I can't shout back. But I changed myself because I was the one suffering from loneliness due to this esp since we keep relocating to different countries n cities. N though I still can't stand conflicts, if someone tries to bother me or my family, I am brave enough to fight back n stand my ground.
    - classic example of situations changing someone's character.

    There were many things like this that I had to push myself to change within me, it will be a challenge everytime but you goto keep going, over n over again, it was infact brutal at first as it's not so easy to change an original character, but it gets easier as time goes n the benefits/ results makes it worth it.

    So once you make your list, you can start working on it one by one.

    N whenever you think "What if things go wrong?",
    try to think this instead -
    "What if things go right?"
    Or "so what if it goes wrong? It's my mistake n I will find a solution as well".

    This is something I teach my child as well, that "Mistakes are part of life, n whenever that happens -focus on finding a solution, instead of being afraid. You can't stop living your whole life just because you are afraid of making mistakes."

    These are just a few examples to give you an idea. You modify it according to your situation. But it starts from within you first, no one else can 'truly' help you apart from yourself. So your fight is within yourself first, then the rest of the world.
     
  8. dimple7

    dimple7 Gold IL'ite

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    try to talk to a councellor who can boost your confidence
     
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  9. dimple7

    dimple7 Gold IL'ite

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    it happens with everyone often...i think.
    Donot worry, talk to your best friends who can see your postive side. As everyone has negative side in their overall performance level . The main thing is being positive
     
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  10. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    What is ur educational background? can you think of restarting your career? don't be consumed by negative thoughts. we all have our drawbacks , beating ourselves over it doesn't help. you need to step outside, meet people..
     
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