Need freedom from father and grandma...When will it happen????

shimjamun · Sep 7, 2011

I am Rekha, 26 years old unmarried lady. Our family consist of 5 members (Mom, Dad, me, younger brother, grand ma (Father’s mom)).
My mom and brother are very broad minded and friendly too. Brother and I shares everything with my mom from our childhood starting from going out till seeing/sighting a person JJJJ She is like a friend but when a situation comes, she is a mom JJ ofcourse she should be.

From the beginning, my father hates my mom. Initially he said to his mom like I liked tat girl, I would have married her only. U made me to marry this lady and now I am struggling a lot. The reason what we predicted was his ex love or crush. He cheated my mom and us in many ways:
1. he married my mom by telling tat he is working for a chocolate company. Later, like after 3 months, he stopped working by telling I cant work under any one.
2. He took all my moms jewellery (had stolen) and acted.
3. He sold most of our properties (my father’s grandpa’s property). He made all properties on his name now.
4. He took money from my mom’s father and relatives and for this we had been ill treated by them L They expect us to do their personnal works becoz they gave money to my father so we have to work it seems
5. Even he had stolen my savings from piggy bank LLLL
6. He is jobless and never tried to do any job. Always eating, sleeping, watching tv again eating, sleeping, watching tv. Now ur question is how come we run our family right?? Our grandpa constructed 1 house. He is getting money from tat house.
7. He is not even taking care of my mom’s need like medicines, hospitality, sandals, sarees, travel expenses, so on
8. Always he obeys his mom. No love or affection or care from his side. I can tell like this L

From my childhood, my father hates me. I don’t know y? may be I am straight forward or have more guts to talk againt them. My mom was so patience, she never spoke. She always cry whatever they say, sorry torture.. but I speak out and ask questions.

Till now, they are not allowing us to watch tv, I love to do many art works. He forced me to remove all my paintings from that house. I cried a lot on that day. I don’t have rights in my own house. How will expect rights from my future in laws house? It’s a big question mark in my mind and heart. I hate my grand ma and my father. I don’t want to see them in my life.

Two weeks before, my mom and I went outside. My mom was waiting in bus stand and I came to my mom, took my atm card and went again. Tat time he wants to know where I went. He called my mom but my mom dint attend the call as she kept her phone for charging in our home. For this he behaved like a psycho and he asked my mom to go out of tat house. Everytime he asks us to go out of tat house. So I went to support my mom LL he scolded me badly which I tell hereLLLnow u might have ask, y u dint inform ur father tat my going out right…I am not in words with him since my 10<SUP>th</SUP> std. he scolded me in very very bad word which I could not bear it. I liked him like anything. I was unable to bear those words from him….I cannot be normal with him…

He doesnot like if we are happy like talking with our cousins/ with in us or seeing some of our fav channel or music. I wants to disturb tat. I command my mom to bring water or tea (untime) or asking time or food (untime). He has an attitude tat he is a man. All women are under men only. No women should speak out against man. He watches serials along with her mom and scold all women. If some ad comes like mom and daughter, he start scolding…we all hate to be in tat place..I always pray, I should not meet him and his mom in my life… My grand ma, she is such a cunning fellow. I could describe her as all bad words in this world. She is a person who has villan character who interferes in our personnal. If husband and wife had a fight. You cannot expect her to resolve the issue. She will add fuel into the fire and increase tat.. I want to kick tat *****. Sorry to use this..

Brother and I planned to bring our mom from them. We are working but not that much. I am in Bangalore and my brother is in Chennai. My mom said, anyhow we suffered these many days. Lets be in tat hell till I(Rekha) get marry. Once I get marry, she will go with my brother. I became a problem for my mom’s happiness. If we separate from tat family, my future in law or alliance ppl will ask questioning it seems so my mom doesnot want to take risk. My father said tat he will attend my marriage and he asked my mom not to ask any things for rekha..I will not do. Till this time, I never get tricycle, bicycle, anklet, nose stud, ear stud, ring, bike, mobile,nothing LLLL

I need advice from u ppl wat has to be done now?? I am totally confused… pls advice me..

Priya16 · Sep 7, 2011

Rekha,

This is what I feel.

1.You are just 22 and you have long way to get married.So that shouldn't be your priority at this point
2.Try to improve skills or find better job to stand on your leg and support your mom
3.Never go to conventional married based on your family situation where they can abuse you and your family again.
4.It's very tough to find in-laws who can understand your situation and family situation.
5.take your time and find suitable person.For that you may need to get more mature 25+.
6.Until then hang to this site and you may get to know many aliments of marriage and you can find a person who will suits to you.
7.Bottom line,ask your mom not to rush for your marriage and find a good job and not in the same city where your father lives,somewhere and take your mom and live there for some years and go from there.And you also make your mother strong to find something for her to survive.
8.You both can support at this point but once you are married you never know what life going to be.

Umlaut · Sep 7, 2011

Rekha,

In an ideal world people like your father should never get married. They should live out their entire lives with their mothers because this is what they end up doing when they get married: ruining the life of their wife and emotionally scarring their innocent children for several years to come.

You are an adult and you need not hang on to those dysfunctional people anymore. Do you work in another city than the one in which your parents and grandma live in? If not, then get a job in another city and get the hell out of there. Get your mother to live with you. Don't hang in there and endure abuse because of your possible wedding. In fact I would go so far as to suggest that you do not go in for a conventional arranged marriage because it would need the involvement of your father and who knows what kind of people he will saddle you with, given his behaviour. Better to make your own decision in this regard with a man who understands you. To understand what I am trying to tell you, please go over some threads here where dysfunctional/toxic/narcissistic family members have pushed their daughters into marriage and then made married lives of their daughters miserable .

Please read blogs and articles on narcissistic or dysfunctional parent(s) and how to heal yourself from years of neglect, so that you know how to protect yourself from people like this, and you don't end up falling into that vicious trap of neglect again.

Your father and grandma were adults but could not control their nastiness towards children who are their flesh and blood. Their nasty behaviour was not your responsibility. But to make things good for yourself and to get away from this nonsense is definitely your responsibility towards yourself. Only you can change your life. Don't expect some external person to do it for you.

Minimize interactions with your father as much as possible. He does not deserve children like you. He will realize what he missed out on all his life when he is left all alone one day.
Good luck with everything.

Uma

DrKadambari · Sep 8, 2011

You and your brother are grown up much to take care of your mom. Plan to shift your base from vellore to bangalore or chennai. See if you siblings can get a job in one city, so that you can rent a house and you mom and bro can stay together, well you dont need big jobs to get your mom separately.

As others said, dont plan for your marriage. However dont worry about your future proposals and they questioning. You can always mention that mom came to city to help us kids out and father taking care of property and so there with grandma who doesnt want to shift to city. Dont make getting your mom to city as an issue but more like security and help for you siblings. Make sure both you and your mother, put some amount in your mom's account monthly for her future requirements. And amount is good enough.. even 1000 to 2000 that you can spare out.

Plan to do some additional jobs apart from what you are doing or take tutions to kids if possible. Improve your skills in what ever job you are, do your Post Grad by corres if dont have a PG yet.. Do certifications if possible and if your job needs. Change jobs or get into contract jobs as it pays high. First few years its best change jobs so that you need not stick to less salary.

There is no use speaking about such a dad, some of us are born unlucky who have fathers who never work and sit at home and blame the entire world or give health as reasons. Please dont get married any time soon. And more importantly if you are having a love marriage/arranged marriage in furture then dont tell everything to the guy, that will not gain sympathy but would be used as tool to hurt you by some guys.

Your Marriage is not end of problem for your mom or you from your dad, its a beginning of unknown issues and problems for entire life, in many cases. So till u earn well and be independent and understand things around you well dont get married.

shimjamun · Sep 8, 2011

Thanks for your advice...The problem is, I am going to complete 26 and my mom is worried abt my marriage. I am not at all interested in marriage. All our relatives started insuting her that she dint even make my marriage done. she was hurted by this also. My father never seen any alliance for me. My mom only registered in some matrimonial community ppl. if i get any proposal, I should marry it seems. It doesnt matter whether i like him or not. whether he is qualified or not..he forces me to marry... my mom's worry is only my marriage....my worry is i dont want to waste someone's life as i am not interested in my marriage...I got scared of this ppl because i may get ppl like this.....i already i gave some jewellery for her and some money on her account because i dont know whether my future inlaws will agree if i do something for her in future...

He is selling our property...do u knw the reason what he gave to others??? for my marriage it seems.. but he dint even give 1 gram gold also from that money... we dint even know that he sold our property... only thing is we should go out of that family and give a peaceful mind to my mom.... Daily i could hear crying voice of my mom over phone...she doesnt tell all these to my brother...because he is short temper and he may shout or do something....

Once again thanks for ur valuable advice and time

Priya16 · Sep 8, 2011

To solve one problem,she is trying to find another problem.

1.Suppose,if she get married you and the your future husband should come to your house.and your father might abuse him also then he will ask you to stop all kind of communication with your family.
2.Talk to your mother,how she is going to handle all this and whether she is interested throw you in another misery.
3.Do you live with father now?If so,try to move out from the house and also take your mother with you.
4.First make her understand the situation instead of worrying about the society.

DrKadambari · Sep 8, 2011

As i told earlier marriage is not the end of problem but start of another set of issues which is much tougher to handle as its new relationships involved.

LIke priya asked, what if your future hubby have to visit your house, who will speak to inlaws about all these wedding formalities, For each and every custom in wedding parents have to speak to inlaws and lots of such crap are there, after the wedding inviting you and Soninlaw home, then festivals and gifts all such craps are there. Can you mom handle all these by herself !!!! if things are not done properly you are the one who would end up into trouble and fights from husband and inlaws.

FIrsty there is no use your brother being short tempered or getting angry about dad and stuff. Getting angry is easy but wisely handling this situation is tough. When he gets angry that means he is drifting out of responsibility. So make him understand this and try to get your mom out of your father's house. Make him stay with your brother atleast not with you. See its difficult to take the first step... but once you make up your mind you can really fair well.

Never get married because you have trouble, for this its important to make your mom understand. Till the time she is there in vellore she cannot think with sound mind. These people who speak that you cant get your daughter married would do nothing good to you or your mom. We cant stop the barking dogs who have nothing else to do.

I have a father who is as great as yours who never went to work from the time i can remember, and we dont even have any earnings except for mom's very little earnings from what she works. So lead a life in struggle with fights, disagreements and what not , i was working saved money and my only aim was to get rid of my parents house. I got married and ended up into a bigger trouble, i now am not working and cant support parents. Thinking of that i am much worried. Parents are not communicative so issues between inlaws and parents. What not... i just gave you an exmplate not that you would get into issues... Oh ya, I have siblings, and there are always complex issues.

raji2678 · Sep 9, 2011

Other members can give expert advise..but I will only say this..If a person like your father can get married and stay with family, you can also very well get married and have a happy married life!

aaral · Sep 16, 2011

You are only 26, don't bother about your relatives, bring your mother to Chennai or Bangalore.Pursue some fine art courses in your spare time as it is your passion. Please do not consider marriage in haste. Even in normal circumstance (with loving mother and father) marriage is complicated , because marriage is between 2 families not just the boy and girl.All the best

flowerlady · Sep 17, 2011

Dear friend,
You are seeing marriage as an escape route ! Marriage brings its own set of ups and downs . You will have a happy married life God willing but your parents will continue with their problems.
You should try to make your Mom self -confident. If she is good at cooking, making pickles, sewing etc then she can earn some money.
You can give art tuitions if you are good at it. If your father does not want to give you anything , so be it. Dont expect anything.
Its sad to know that your Mom considers you a hindrance to her freedom. She can go and live with your brother even now and still get you married from home. She can make trips between the two places. It can be done , dont blame yourself.