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Need Advice Urgently

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by swethasweety, May 14, 2018.

  1. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello op,

    There is a long discussion of morality and what-not on this forum, but at least from your initial post, I can say that you are not in the wrong for dumping your ex. You were not married, but in a committed relationship, so I assume that you had serious feelings for this man. And with time, you had grown apart and could not find him attractive. You want different things for your lives. This is a legit reason to breakup. If you felt sorry for him and stayed, things will just be as dissatisfying - since your heart is no longer in it. You moved on, but he didn't. In fact, he has taken the breakup so poorly, he's messed up his own life. You are not responsible for that. In fact, you are not responsible for any of his actions.

    I hope your ex does find closure and moves on. He doesn't seem like a bad sort. I also hope you cut your ties with him, and not unnecessarily encourage him that you will get back together. I haven't read beyond your first post, but make sure that you have a clean break.

    I wish you the best of luck, in your new relationship. You say that you don't feel guilty, but I think it bothers you that you left a serious relationship, even if you had a legit reason to leave.
     
    Endlesshope likes this.
  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    If everything u say is true, then all comments about morality aside I would say WOW.
    U have cleared the difficult USMLE exams, pursued PG in U.S., proposed love and accepted by one of the smartest and brilliant guy, bold enough to have a live in relationship, smart enough to manage medical studies and "extra curricular " activities., professionally successful inspite of all these activities, probably attractive enough to be noticed by that blue eyed guy..bold and ruthless enough to take risk of leaving a stable relationship and just walking out of the apartment with a note and message, sparing the emotional dramas..
    Then where is the flaw?
    If u had a little bit of compassion and empathy towards others feelings and dealt with every situation with a little sensitivity then there would have been no need to create this thread. Again not everything here is about morality.
    Anyway hot shot doc , if possible apologise to him and and his close ones, help him make a clean break, and yeah clean up ur act a bit. Most people like to consult doctors with a clean reputation.
    If I criticise ur actions I'll be considered as being old generation and old fashioned mindset.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Gold IL'ite

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    I do like your no nonsense attitude though.
    You will be able to survive the Indian marriage and manage your inlaws for sure.:cheer:
     
  4. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    BB, really? No judgment here, but who calls a person they have been in a relationship with “ugly face” “whiny” “dirty” . Last I only heard such language from mr Trump! :sconf:
    The reasons for dumping though very superficial may still be fine (though I still can’t fathom someone being so shallow as to focus on just looks, for God’s sake , he is an intelligent guy, who is serious about his studies & career) , what we are debating here is how he was dumped. He deserves a face to face meeting & a calm explanation at least, IMHO.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2018
  5. Mommie007

    Mommie007 Silver IL'ite

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    I don’t have much to tell. You are an adult and it’s your life. I do have a question though, say you get married to this hot guy with a six pack, and after marriage this guy get a beer belly from his daily 6 pack beer (he’s a cool guy who goes pubbing u see), will you “dump” him too?
    I have to tell you just one thing - karma is a bitch and she usually comes back to bite big time!
     
    Needtobestrong and shravs3 like this.
  6. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    "No judgement"? There's a lot of judgement on this thread. I don't think OP's breakup strategy was effective or kind, but it was clearly necessary. However superficial you might think her to be, she only wants what many other women on this forum want- a partner who can give her the attention she craves (he's too busy and probably will continue to be) and a partner she's attracted to. When a relationship is going poorly, it's not uncommon for the rose-tinted glasses to come off and things that didn't bother her before, bother her now.

    An explanation is in order, just to give them both closure- but I can't imagine it would be easy to tell someone that you are no longer attracted to them. I'm surprised at the bullying type of responses- it is no wonder the Op has become defensive ( or offensive). Normally, people here are quite respectful and supportive to others, even if they don't agree.
     
  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Either set the expectations right from day 1 or if you change in between, explain that n move on. You just don't disregard another human like a tissue paper when all that other person has done is love you truly. It's ok if it's not enough for you or you don't love them anymore, but atleast let them down or end it the right way.

    Why would her own sister, many friends blame her if she had dealt this the right way ? They are her peers who understands that bf/ gf may breakup multiple times with different partners, right? Why did she feel the need to validate this in this forum after they blamed her? N the strangers on this forum doesn't know her or the guy. They gain or lose nothing by sharing their thoughts. All this blame - because this feels like 'cheating', 'mistreating' n 'disrespecting' another person n it only showed the urgency to move on to the new relationship n zero patience in ending the previous one the right way.

    No point using the "life doesn't work that way" or "my ideologies are different" when all there's lacking here is a common courtesy that a 'decent' human has towards another one, esp when its someone that 'you loved n lived with for almost a decade'! N not a one night stand or a jus a crush or someone you know for 3 months. She left the ex only after she started the new relationship. Why didn't she jus break up with him when he became ugly itself ? Why wait till a better one came her way to dump the ex ? Backup plan ?

    N there's also no point explaining so much when someone is not 'ready' to hear the truth. N want to hear only one sided response.

    Op or anyone has the right to fall 'in' n 'out' of love, or upgrade their matches, even a million times if they desire it n embrace all the changes in their mindset, no argument there - - But the fact remains that you don't break someone's heart n life of another human being without so much as a reason / talking / explaining to them properly, with just a note out the door n a sms - that too after such a "long (close to a decade) relationship" n a "live in" , with "big future n settling plans" - a relationship that long n live in is almost like a marriage - law recognises it.

    This break up method show that the person lacks decency, respect and even an ounce of patience. Where is a tiny bit of respect for that ex partner who she went n proposed, who mattered for so long? Doesn't he deserve a proper closure? Will we accept or approve if a guy had done it to a woman ?

    Again, her choice of partners are her decision. But this 'break up' was handled horribly n that is why even her own peers blame her.
     
  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    @swethasweety

    Hi, if possible, do send the link of this thread to your ex. It might finally give him a closure n make him move on. If he still doesn't after seeing all the posts, then god save him!
     
    bron, NeetaR, BhumiBabe and 1 other person like this.
  9. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    BB, did you read her response to my question on whether she would move on to a better looking guy if she saw/ found one again after the blue eyed guy? She said she would keep switching because that’s what girls do!!! No we don’t do that, nobody does that. We are humans, not commodities!

    So, I don’t agree with the argument that most women do that. It’s one thing to lose interest , find someone better & move on & another thing to keep switching again& again! I wouldn’t call that a serious relationship, she is just there to play / test the market as some annoying guys say!
    Well, some really offensive / provoking words were used by some, but the OP herself has gone extremes to describe her ex & looks like a seasoned person with a thick skin. So I am pretty sure, she isn’t sitting in a corner crying about it!
     
    cheenu123 likes this.
  10. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    In the interest of fairness, I do want to add that even though the OP broke up with the ex not in the most appropriate way, if after a reasonable period of time the ex does not get over her & bring his life back to track (stays a Devdas , if you will), then she is not responsible for ruining his life or anything. In the end, we are all responsible for our own lives , so blaming anyone to have ruined your life even after a long relationship seems unreasonable. She needs to have broken up in a proper way; but beyond that the ex is in charge of his own life, career & destiny.
     

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