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Need Advice Urgently

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by swethasweety, May 14, 2018.

  1. swethasweety

    swethasweety New IL'ite

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    ,I'm a 27 year old women who is doing masters.In college i have fallen in love with a guy and i have proposed him we met and lived together we decided to get married after we finish our masters,end of undergrad i started noticing he has changed a lot not taking care of himself put bit weight not the person whom i met in college ,not that funny not going out to clubs or pubs like in college ,working all the time ,it made me lose interest towards him ,how can i introduce to my friends if he is not taking care of himself and not looking good ,he is not going out with friends and asking me not to go weekend trips if some guy is arranging trip bbq in the nature or pubs,in my work place met a tall good looking guy,very very good looking with clean shaved blue eyes ,when i spend time with him (just hangout-my bf used to call me every hour ) i started hating going home and meeting him
    So i decided to stop all these left him a note in the doorstep ,send him a sms not to disturb me again ,deleted his contact moved to a new apartment
    He called me many times ,i never attended his calls,His friends started calling me and saying he is in shock that he does not understand what happened why she left(He should know what happened all the time ,that restricting me hangout a Big No).
    A month back he followed me to metro in a dirty cloth,with his ugly face ,whining that he does not understand what happened why i left him ,he blames me that i proposed him first(He looked good then ,he was funny back then) he also blames of giving hope (As all the couples we discussed for hours together everyday about our future ,our kids and where we go-but all this is over ,he does not get it that it is over).
    I just told him not to follow me or i call the police ,and left that place.
    Day before yesterday i met our common friend she said as he(ex) drinking too much and couldn't move on he has lost his masters course spot and deporting back to India.She is saying its all because of me ,calling me names.Blaming me for proposing him first -he could have said no and moved on .why blaming me ,why do people judge others so fast..
    Worst part is she said at least you could have felt sorry why i should feel sorry for him drinking he is not brave enough to face the world why i should be responsible.
    Here people around me for women ,women is the first enemy-judging me for past relationship is bad my own sister back in india stopped talking with me ,she is saying i have cheated him ,which is not we met for couple of years and once i met a guy who keeps me happy and very attractive and obviously financially strong) my ex was doing masters in neurosurgery (Obviously he could earn more but it will take another couple of years of him not being around me working for days and spending less time with me ).His mother some how got me in the landline phone where i work ,started crying abusing me saying i spoiled his life ,he started preparing for his masters from school days now all went in vain because of me ,but i try to explain that things happened i do not love him anymore and i have left him in a decent way not having 2 affairs at a time ,once i started having relationship with new bf i left my ex but she is too old to understand that still sticking to her old traditional beliefs which i do not understand or care.
    People are spoiled with movies ,how come dressing dirty with sad face will bring a person back to his life ?
    He followed me other day to metro ,another day in apartment lift (thank god my bf was there and warned him and pushed him out in the next floor ) if he really wanted me back he should have went to gym ,dressed properly and approach and say i have changed ,but guys got badly influenced by cinema.
    Even now he is not going to be in the street ,if he goes back he can try writing PG exam and try to get a PG.
    Or work as a MBBS doctor in india ,run clinics make some living ,why people around him and some people treat me like i have killed him.My biggest question is if he cant manage me(which is not a big thing) how come he will be successful in life ? So for guys everything is girls ? He should stick to his masters and moved on ,he acted like whole world ended.

    What you people think let me know,should i feel sorry ? or guilty ? I don't feel either ,but people whom we know in common keep saying this so wanted to ask to a anonymous community ,you people don't know us in personal so cant take sides.
     
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  2. senoritaaa

    senoritaaa Bronze IL'ite

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    Your reasons for dumping him doesnt seem justifiable at all .
    Just curious - Assume your new BF also does some acts like - "Not well groomed", less funny than before etc ---will you dump him and find another one?

    You should have atleast the courtsey to end your prior relationship stating the reason why you ended. You did not even bother to tell him the reason. He has all rights to know it

    Will you feel sad and depressed, if someone, whom you loved sincerely just dumped you and fled without even stating a reason ? How can a sad and depressed person be well groomed?
     
    shyamala1234, bron, viki123 and 4 others like this.
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    This is the feeling of a stranger..

    If a man had ditched a woman the same way, in india a police case can be lodged against him to either marry the woman or a jail sentence as 'live in' relationships are recognised by law. Have read many stories like that.

    Any relationship requires commitment. If a partner has a problem with something, like example, his appearance in this case, it is a duty of the partner to reiterate this point n drive it strong that it is 'truly' a deal breaker. Gifting a gym membership. Throw all his ugly clothes out. Insist on shaving n personal hygiene or say that you won't even talk. These are a few examples of the attempts taken to fix.

    All the constant calling can be his intuitions that there are other guys in the picture, even women does that. This is more like a 'side effect' due to the main problem which is his appearance n your behaviour towards him.

    Now say, you 'truly' tried n nothing worked. You still hate the relationship, ofcourse you have the right to break up. It is still a personal choice. People do fall out of love for various reasons. N you may have yours. So it's your right.

    But how is this done ? Explain why you are breaking up n that you have zero interest anymore as you have fallen out of love n you are moving on n walk out.

    I dono how it's fair to leave the guy clueless, he did not even know why you left him n it all ended with a note at the door n a sms. That feels cruel.

    N you feeling 'nothing' about the relationship sounds bad too. Why? It was a relationship that mattered as long as it did, you were in love, you planned the future, you spent so much time living together n shared every thing, you cared deeply for that person, etc. So the human feeling in us should atleast have common courtesy to feel bad when things aren't going right for them, even more so when the reason is you. We generally go 'aww' even when an animal or a stranger gets hurt, n this is someone you loved.

    N he really is a fool to waste his life, drain his hard work n his parents hardwork n dreams on a person that is not even worth it. He is weak indeed.
     
  4. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    What if the new guy stops grooming himself and starts putting on weight ? Are you planning to break up with him as well?

    While good grooming and fitness is important, loving a person only based on this is weird.And let me say this is not love at all..If you really loved him,you would have asked him or tried to make him feel fit groom himself and made him realise that it is all for his own good personality.But you chose to ditch him without giving reasons.

    Your ex's drinking may not be your problem.Its sad he has resorted to such ways to deal with stress.But to be reaction less about breaking up with him is not normal.In any case breaking up with him will actually do good for him because you don't seem to love him in a realistic way and such love is not required for his life.

    I would suggest you to think and understand if you are really loving this new person or is it just an infatuation.
     
  5. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Only one question for you, if tomorrow another another even taller guy, with a great built, dreamy eyes , a cleft and an ever so charming personality comes along will the blue eyed guy be dumped?
     
    cheenu123, bron, shravs3 and 2 others like this.
  6. swethasweety

    swethasweety New IL'ite

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    Funniest part is girls act like naive only ,every girl will sure dump her current bf to get a better option ,for your question sure i will do ,all of you do the same in real life when you get a better option you will move to a better looking guy ) either having 2 affairs at the same time ,i'm being open so dumping and moving to a better option is good
     
  7. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    Really? And where does the dumping cycle end? Looks and handsomeness in a guy is relative; meaning there will always be someone better looking. If we all did that, we would constantly be on a dumping spree!! None of us would ever stick to one person. Do you see my point?

    And no, most girls don’t select or stay with a guy for looks. Find a well educated smart man who can love & care for you with all his heart & give him all your love & that shd be the story, that’s it. What you tell me sounds like a smartphone owning game, today you get the latest model in the market, apple comes with another version or color & you switch to that. I don’t see an end to that chase.
     
  8. swethasweety

    swethasweety New IL'ite

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    Be it in India or here Desi community outside of India,its common to break up with a sms ,i Dont see anyone breaking up in real life places anymore to avoid stupid drama.He is(was) very strong guy from school days itself he dreamed of neurosurgery got into med school(Where we met) ,we both completed all the exams to get matching here ,he got honors in almost all subjects in college,during the final year exam,when it comes to internal thing he is good ,soft ,caring ,always we discussed about our future plans of kids ,buying a farm in his village and settle there after 40s ,but internal beauty is not only enough for living,Women have progressed all these years ,my grandmother never spoke to my dad ,she used to stand when my dad passes her .
    my mom is very fair but married to my dad he is not that fair ,because those years women were not allowed to talk or express their feelings ,now times have changed ,people do what ever they want ,none sticking to cultural illusion,may be people here in this forum are in 80s or 90s born.
    Look around if you live in chennai,delhi,mumbai,bangalore most girls have at least 5-10 relationship before the age of 25 ,one night stand has become very common,those days men were choosy and women wanted to stick with single man,now roles are reversed ,people who are born in 80s ,90s and old people does not understand this i think ,others clearly moved to a different lifestyle
     
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  9. senoritaaa

    senoritaaa Bronze IL'ite

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    You are not to be blamed here. The value system in which you have been brought up since childhood might be like that. There are a lot of people in this world who does not any sincerity or conscience and all they value is just money and material benefits. For such people , apart from money and material benefits everything is of ZERO value. So there is no point in talking to them of such things as they will not understand. So go ahead and reap what you sow. :)
     
  10. senoritaaa

    senoritaaa Bronze IL'ite

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    Your reason for dumping seems tooo materialistic. BTW, you are alreday in your late twenties and obvioulsly your options and choices are also narrowing. So beware before you Dump. and make sure you choose an oldie who matches your age, else they will dump you soon....
     
    gouthamijasti, bron, shravs3 and 2 others like this.

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