1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Need Advice On Convincing Dh

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky2cute, Sep 6, 2018.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,466
    Likes Received:
    8,525
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Pinky - You’ve got to make yourself your first priority. Your health is more important than other things. Go to your mom’s place where you can relax for the entire month. Don’t bother about DH right now. Let him find a hostel for a month or two. You have to realize that you can’t control your adult DH. He isn’t a puppet. He’s going to continue talking to his mom/dad and they are going to continue to involve in his life. You nagging him and running him down will only drive him away further.

    Be smart and tactful. Recover, find a house, move in without much pomp and show. If DH wants to invite parents right then your response should be that you are yet to recover fully and that you want to be able to take care of them properly when they are in your house. You can have a proper Pooja at a later auspicious date and they can come.

    In the ensuing months, don’t remark about him talking to his dad, his dad controlling money etc. You’ve already won by moving out. You make sure you are doing a good job of managing your spendings effectively and make life easier for both of you. When the parents are constantly calling and interfering and you aren’t he will automatically know the adult thing to do. It may not happen in a day but it will.

    If you try to control every aspect of his interaction, you will just drive a wedge between you. Is your situation ideal? No. Can you make it tolerable? Yes. By having some tact. I used to run my mouth all the time until I figured out how to be politically correct and get my work done.
    Your DH will know the difference when you are living together and will figure out what freedom is like. Give him time, he’s just getting out of being treated like a child.
     
    shravs3 and pinky2cute like this.
  2. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    949
    Likes Received:
    1,061
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    @Laks09 I'm not controlling dh. If you see my posts i wrote tht t have clearly told him he is free to talk meet his parents n carryout his duties as a son and i will not interfere...i just dont want them to be with us for now as the relationships are damaged and i want to heal our marriGe bond first.
     
    shravs3 and Laks09 like this.
  3. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    949
    Likes Received:
    1,061
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female

    True, mistake is on my dh part. Thats why m not able to understand how to convince him that he cannot behave childish n like a bachelor even after marriage.
    And yes i feel its difficult for him to change.

    Anyhow thank you. You are alwaya the one who gets my real point and give right advice.
     
  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,466
    Likes Received:
    8,525
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Which is where tact counts. If you want to work on your bond, you should let go of the need to make your DH understand that he’s not being mature enough. He will get there in time. The first few months living alone will be hard for you because you have to be the partner working on running things at home smoothly. Once you are both alone all those nitty gritty aspects of things that go into making a house into a home will help you a lot. Play your cards wisely and it will help in the long run.
    Use your health as an excuse to let in-laws not come for a few months. That’s the tact you must use. Don’t be too open about not wanting them around to make your bond stronger. If your DH conveys that guess who will show up at your doorstep.
     
    pinky2cute likes this.
  5. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    177
    Likes Received:
    477
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    ditto ditto ditto!!

    Since I see a huge similarity in our married lives, I am tempted to write a reply to every thread of yours cp...

    cp you wont believe my H was the same. the only difference, he did not have a father and he has spent his entire life with a poor completely dependent single mom who had nothing but a son to take care of her! Of course i have a reasonable SIL. This calling thing, this eating thing, this feeding thing and brainwashing thing everything was the same except the money part. He handled his finances and was a philanthropist who splurged money to everyone in need not considering his own life. End result was zero balance but then I was earning much better than him and was contributing something for his luxuries. But I was so loud from the beginning standing up to what is right. Whenever MIL remotely tried to ill treat my parents, I was clear to put a full stop then and there.. I too was in a LDR for a year after which he and his mom joined me. Issues cropped up every now and then but IL saved me to be more specific veterans like yellowmango, rihana, SGBV and guessho saved me every time I posted a thread..Long story short after baby she became so insecure and controlling that H was forgetting that he was the father to his baby in the act of appeasing her. I left the home proclaiming that he can very well live with his mom in one apartment and I will live alone with baby somewhere nearby...I told enough is enough and if he doesnt want to I am ready for a divorce ASAP! Strangely mom son duo did not speak a word after that..She packed her bags and left to her native. SIL was lovey dovey asking for forgiveness.
    I went to my home after 2 months. This time it was only me, H and our baby. He was sad, guilt tripped, called his mom 10 times a day but that was for 10 odd days. After that he slowly returned back to normal. I appointed a maid and cook so that I wont pester him to do any house hold works. He had no job then and I helped him financially and mentally. I left to office putting baby in the creche so that he gets ample me time. When I am back, I took care of the baby but the home was peaceful. He used to fly to momma once in 2 months but I happily sent him off. MIL too tried to amend her relationship with me as if nothing happened. I was so strong this time not to budge. As days went on we both started seeing each other in a different perspective. We got to know our likes, dislikes and put enough efforts to make the other happy. That was when Bahubali-2 happened and I proudly announced that he is my Amarendra Bahubali (as I considered myself as Devasena deep inside my heart which he never knew). Miraculously that movie put so much of sense into him than what I could not have done in a life time! We fight even now but its much different than what we had 2 years back. He no longer forces me to go to his native or call his mom. But I go with him once a year and me-MIL talk only when needed but she becomes happy with her son-grandchild around whereas I do what I want without disturbing them. Now its been more than 2 months and he is not going home as he would miss us! I am pestering him to go as I know the emotional blackmailing, though dormant is still existent.

    Presently, he is in a wonderful organisation with a good pay he deserves but this time he is more conscious of saving his hard earned money. He always says 'having zero balance in my account with no job gives shivers even today'. Experiences teach!

    W still have hell lot of other problems related to career, health, social life and uncertainty but we some how sail through.

    You know what was my strength. "FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE". Please ensure that you dont ask him to sponsor him for your surgery. Take a loan from your parents, stay with them as they love you unconditionally, get the surgery done and then start setting up a home.

    So dont worry regarding your unusual Hubby. You give him love and he is going to run towards you like a smitten puppy! He just needs a little training and boom he is all yours..Girl! you are lucky that you are moving out before a baby happened. I missed all that fun..:)
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
  6. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    1,810
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Sorry Op, But I am gonna show you some harsh truth. you need to hear it.

    Nope he depends on his parents/wife to do stuff for him. You cant be 30 and say I have no control over my life. That is an excuse. He is getting pampered and is enjoying it.

    He lets her do it. Yeap, He is getting pampered and is enjoying it.

    Making sure a house is running is *work*.
    Just being employed and getting a salary is not the only work.
    Ask women who have to nag their DHs to get the above stuff done.

    You realy need to stop giving excuses for your DH. What steps has he taken to learn handling his money?
    If you want changes in your life, then put the blame where it belongs- squarely on his shoulders. You are blinded by your hate for inlaws (of curse based on your past experience with them) that you fail to see the real problem.

    He is using his parents as an excuse for his laziness/ignorance and you are falling for it, and thinking the problem is your ILs. Why will your ILs change, what's in it for them? You want the change, and if he wants it too, he should take charge of his life.

    Your DH has to change and for that he needs to know he is at fault. He has to start "maning up", and he wont as long as he feels justified that it is not really his fault.

    Understand your frustration, but unfortunately your DH doesnt seem to be perturbed by it.
    See that is the point. He can tell his dad, dont call during office it disturbs me. But he doesnt want to. he is fine with it. It seems only you are fedup with it.

    btw,that is an exaggeration, every 10 mins would be 6 times in an hour, but in your update it comes to 7 time in a day ( yes, I counted)

    See, either you are at fault or his parents.
    One/two months of living by himself and he is portraying it as if it is the worst thing ever to happen to him. Poor him. day and night he has to be alone and eat out. So sad.
    A major surgery for you, you will have to under go physcial pain and discomfort, but who is the poor sad person? him of, course!
    Open your eyes- he is having the best of the worlds , the adjustment/pain is for you.
    I have read quite a few of your posts. I know you have been thru a lot. You are straight forward , bold and capable woman. You are being manipulated by your DH and Ils. But the one person who should take charge is you husband. Work on him. Refuse to put blame on others. Refuse to accept his excuse of using his parents.

    All the best OP!
     
    pinky2cute likes this.
  7. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    949
    Likes Received:
    1,061
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks all,
    I knw fault is in my dh and of the parents too. Its from both sides .
    I am trying to use tactics and not be direct but i lose my patience at times.
    I did note the advices and it will surely help me.

    P.P.S. i want this thread to be closed as I got the helpful advices that i needed

    Thanking all those helped me once again.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2018
    shravs3 likes this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page