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Need Advice On Convincing Dh

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky2cute, Sep 6, 2018.

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  1. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Ya doing that only
     
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  2. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear YM,

    Thanks i got a lot clarity to handle it now.

    You are right he is financially stressedout also he was all his life made to depend on his parents even though he was earning and adult.
    Like till now his mother washes his clothes, she even feeds him food in mouth if he is getting ready for work, she organizes his clothes, she decides wat and when he will eat.
    His father is not working but has a property so gets money from that but heavily depends on my dh for expenses.
    My dh just earns n comes back home eats and sleeps. This is his routine. His entire salary finances is handled by his father n mother. They decide how much he should spend and for whom n what.
    While they happily take charge of his entire income for themselves and house expenses and rest on their married daughter.
    His father goes out to buy groceries, meds etc whatever needed. He takes care of paying bills n rent from my dh money.
    All these made my dh dependent on them and he doesnt know how to save how to handle finances.

    His parents have put in his mind that they have 1st right over his earnings and his life. He has to do what they feel is right n what they want him to do.

    Have anyone seen a father who calls his son every 10mins literally in a day despite all living together in same house? No im not exaggerating!

    Say my dh left home at 9 for office. He reaches by 10. He calls every day to his father to say he reached office.
    After 15 or 20mins, another call...- reason nothing urgent jus his father calls to tell they jus finished breakfast.
    Again around lunch tym daily another call - have u eaten or not?

    Again after sometym another call - father calls dh to inform about random day activity of theirs.

    Evening again call- to ask wat is he doing (duh obv he is working! In office).

    After few mins another call - to ask when he will start to home.

    After 10mins another call from my dh to his father - to say he started just now

    Finally he reaches home! Phew

    And then starts the mother "oh my.poor son is so tired and hungry eat this" while feeding son in his mouth.

    Im fed up of these scenarious daily !

    When we both go out for a movie - they call every 10mins literally asking when we will come back.
    Wen We go out, constantly they call every few mins asking where we are what hotel we went wat we ate how much we spent what we bought etc etc.

    Im frustrated at their too much interference in his life n affecting my life n our marriage too.

    He got used to this lifestyle and now after marriage also continuing same.

    And when he tried to support me, his mother used vulgar abuses to her own son infront of me as if shutting him up for supporting me and not them.

    Gosh....i can write pages on the illtreatment and the torture i faced ith inlaws.

    Anyways,
    Now suddenly as we are goin to setup our own house, probably he is scared of how to financially setup. But i have been constantly assuring him i will take care of budget and support him in everyway.

    He is swaying ways once towards me.and once towards his parents.

    And yes i talked to my dh and he seems to ve thinking to take a pg accomodation for a month or two till i heal.

    P.S. his friend is a bachelor living in a pg too but anyhow my dh is searching for a pg near his office for now. But the way he said was sarcastic.

    His exact words were "Such a bad life I have, having wife and parents and still forcedly having to live alone for a month or two and eat day and night outside food".

    This is what irks me. He is a grownup adult but he doesnt behave as one!
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    That is the main reason for all. Hope parents understand that after marriage son will have his own personal needs. So they should stop interfering too much in son's life. There is lot of difference between giving suggestions and controlling family members. When in-laws understand that most of the problems will be solved!

    It takes some time for him to come out of such a lifestyle. Continue assuring that you can handle finances well as already you have such experience earlier!
     
  4. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Omg even gals parents wouldn't worry so much I think :p
     
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    I have faced similar issues when we were in India. Before marriage when we used to roam around(Not frequently though) he used to get a call from home asking when will he return! Being a gal my parents never called even once thinking why to disturb their privacy :tearsofjoy:.
    I feel inlaws should be more broadminded/ less controlling than parents because its very easier for the young / newly married couples to get adjusted:).

    I have a cousin whose parents were very orthodox, supposed to wear only saree after marriage, but she got married to a good house where in-laws are broad-minded .and lot of freedom too. Her MIL itself used to ask her to stop wearing saree and asked her to wear salwars!
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
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  6. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Pinky,

    I may be the odd person here! I kind of envy that the way your DH's parents are pampering him. ....cannot control anyone like you wanted it to be in life.

    You haven't finished your PG yet. On top of that, you have health issues, and not quite ready to start a family. Seems like, you got married at the wrong stage of your life. Instead of getting worked up so much, let the nature takes it's course. As you know, you cannot "hide" DH from his parents. Sooner or later, ILs will get involved in his life. Your DH is an adult - he knows what he is doing and why? Seems like he needs lots and lots of love / attention from someone closer to him. You are not available to provide him with that love / attention ( love sick puppy). Eventually, he will find his "way" to his parents! Just cut him loose, let him enjoy time with parents! Be happy, he is running into his parents. What if he ended up with "wrong" friends? in the new city when he feels lonely.

    Take care of your health, your studies and then, establishing in your career. Your DH will be waiting for you along with his parents! It may take 2-3 years?

    You have a good promising life and don't spoil it!

    p.s: I am aware of your previous threads. Don't let your imagination worry you that ILs are going to break your marriage. They won't and will not. Your DH / ILs are well aware of your future career / income.
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2018
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    You are a really patient woman, pinky2cute. You are experiencing and learning in the first few years of married life what people do in decades.

    Mom feeding a grown 30+ year old man food in the mouth... One word: disgusting.
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Pinky.....a lot of men are brought up like your husband in India. Most of them protest and change as they grow.
    Most men would tell the mother to stop feeding in the mouth and fiddling with their hair.
    Most men start protesting unnecessary childish pampering .
    Most men start deciding what they are going to wear and take over buying their clothes .

    Your husband does not want to take over responsibility of his life and wants to be treated like a child . Blaming parents won't help .
    He could have stopped or reduced their insane behavior if he wanted.

    All it takes is to firmly tell them "don't disturb me all the time " or "don't suffocate me "...... Or " stop treating me like a child ".
    Most people do it if the behavior goes ott.
    Even girls tell the parents to stop.

    Your husband is like this because he likes to be pampered and doesn't want to take responsibility.
    Most likely ,he will not change .
    He will keep going towards whoever is willing to pamper him and not expect him to be adult.

    You will have to start ' mothering ' him and learn to do everything on your own to stay ahead in the race.
    Don't expect to be praised for doing that because he expects that and he will resent being denied that .

    For now ....you concentrate on getting well and getting a good job.
    Keep maids to do as much as you can .

    As for finances....you sit down and discuss budgeting with him.

    Decide on how much needs to be sent to in laws.
    Then you manage the rest. You do the running of the home,investments ,savings etc. Don't talk about everything in one go.Do it slowly.

    Don't fight if you feel the money being sent is more for now. Keep the amount constant for some years. Soon your incomes will grow and then the % age being sent will reduce.

    As both your incomes grow...start investing the extra money into savings and investments for future.

    Right now if you can manage the household with his income after sending to his parents,be happy.

    Talk about plans to invest bonuses and increments.
    Keep him involved but you run the show.He may not mind it if you do it slowly .
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    OMG . your H is like baby. It is one thing to be treated like a baby and totally another acting like one. Your H is acting like one.

    What steps you are doing is the best. Tomorrow your child will not have a role model at all. the role model will be grandma .

    a lot of men in my friend circle and infact including my H get treated like a baby. but the smart one know when is the line that their mom should not cross. my H whenever goes to india or his mom comes here, his mom will treat him like a baby. cooking whatever he likes. giving head massage. nagging him for not calling her and sharing his life. my H will not open his mouth and always be pleasant to her , it used to irritate me but i tolerated as my H will not allow his mom to interfere in my family decisions with money, kids and will not tolerate emotional criticisms. that is line which she is not allowed to cross.

    i am not smart, neither my H. so many times we are clueless, should be stay in usa , is this is right career. H asks me study ahead and sometimes i too tell him. but that is the part of growing up. making mistakes and moving on.

    your H has not even taken first step. Be as nice as possible to him, pamper him . feed him if you need to. some men need that, your H is trained to be like that. till he is emotionally into you. Men are more emotional they do not know it.
    but first you have to do anything that makes you healthy again. rest you can fix with time.
     
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  10. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Apart from all this...my dh used to tell eaxh
    My studies are over. N my health issue is due to a road accident caused by a vehicle which is not my mistake. You are assuming more actually.
    Getting married has nothing to do with this.
     
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