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Need Advice On Convincing Dh

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky2cute, Sep 6, 2018.

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  1. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Im currently thinking about this angle... To tell him to stay in a pg accomodation for 1month till i get my surgery done n heal at my parents place and then we take a house and shift.

    But I' am scared that inbetween his parents may influemce him make him feel guilty for having to stay away from parents and they may change his decision making him to decide to bring them over permanently iny absence.

    Dh is not mature thats the main issue. His parents treat him as if he is a 3yr old kid who will go missing if left alone and as if he would die without wife n parents staying with him even if its for a month or 2.

    This post is how to convince my dh that he should keep his parents in limits from crossing over and encroaching into our lives just even if there is a tiny chance.

    Dh is someone who though just crossed 30yrs is immature and momma's boy and almost behaves as if he will die without being with them in same house.
    I have battled a long time to make him realise the need to go separate to maintain peace.
    Bit he seems like doubting his decision due to getting influenced by his parents.
     
  2. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    How do i make dh to understand that he is an adult educated married man and he should be able to manage alone if the need arises. That he cannot runback to or call his parents for each and everything!
    How to make him realise that after marriage 1st priority should be wife and marriage and later knly parents. Im not against him doing his duties as a son to his parents. But his parents dont understand the need to be in limits and involve in each and everything about their son's life.

    Which father discusses about exact rupees spent by his son fr fis own wife with his own salary?

    Which mother n father tells son to leave his wife alone after abortion and tell him to ask my parents to tk r of me nnmy expenses rather than telling him to tk caRe of me.

    There are million other things they have done worst which have severely damaged our relation and also affected mine and dh relation that we wre aalmost at the verge of divorce.

    Just now slowly we are trying to heal our marriage and im still testing him n he is still yet to earn my full trust.

    I dont want inlaws to even enter my new home not atleast till we settle down Nd till we as husband and wife bond well and heal ourselves from all the damage and loss.

    P.S. Im not against my dh meeting or talking to his parents nor im igainst him doing his duties as a son to his parents.
     
  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    @pinky2cute , I would start with writing down exactly where you will need help.

    Cooking? Can be cooked in advance, portion and freeze. trust me. I did this for a good friend of mine when she underwent a major surgery and she couldn't walk at all for 6 weeks. Plan now, portion and freeze. You need it for 4 weeks? Plan for 6 weeks and cook and freeze. This should be the least of worries.

    Attending to you: Who will do this for you if you need to use the washroom/ shower? Everyone knows its not going to be your inlaws or your DH. It has to be outside help, even if your inlaws are in the same house. So, start looking for a maid.

    What next? list down the issues and we can tackle it. Make that list, it will help you come up with answers when your DH starts being a 4 year old again.
     
    SunPa likes this.
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I am more inclined to suggest that you have your in laws over for a very short time in your place while you recover from surgery. But you know them and your ability to deal with their presence better.
    Recovering from a major surgery is pretty stressfull, so you should get to decide who is around you while you go through this process. If husband still insists , stay and recuperate at parents place . Let him spend time with his folks and they can leave before you come back. I hope you have a speedy recovery.
     
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Ok do one thing. See a house in the city you decided. Pay the advance. Tell them you will be shifting only after a month.
    Get the surgery done take rest at moms place. Since your mom is unable to take care of you, hire a nurse there. After one month , shift to your new place happily with your DH.
    Tell him , as you are undergoing surgery, you shouldn’t take too much stress. If his parents come to new home at this time , you will be very much under stress. Do you want this to happen? Or faster recovery from surgery? Ask him such questions and let him think.
    Tell him you can invite his parents after you settle. So it will not be a problem for anyone

    And Is it possible for your DH to shift to that new job only after your surgery?
     
    pinky2cute and GeetaKashyap like this.
  6. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    Pinky,

    Okay, I understood your dilemma. As shravs suggested, spend a month after the surgery with your parents and hire maid exclusively to help you so that your mom is not taxed. After a month long rest, move into the new house with hubby. Don't worry unnecessarily and spoil your today. As far as the in-laws are concerned, tell your dh that they won't be able to help you physically due to their advanced age, so after your surgery you would LOVE to have them with you in the new house for a while. If necessary, you may stock your refrigerator with precooked food, dosa batter, a couple of varieties of spicy chutneys etc. He should be able to manage with that. All the best.
     
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  7. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Sravs,
    He has already joined the job n currently staying in a friend's house in city C n we have short listed our house already but due to financial stress and no help financiay from his parents, dh is trying to convince me to take the house next month...

    I insist him to take now as we have already short listed and spoke to the owner but now dh is telling he cant afford the rent plus expenses in settingup the new house alone financially untill next month.

    He is immature and hasnt saved anything from salary as all was spent on his parents and married sister living in US.

    So i guess pracrically it would be better if he stays with his frnd for a month while i get surg done and heal at my mom's place.
     
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  8. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    At my parents home its not an issue, we have a cook so that mom is not stressedout. My parents can take cRe of me happily. I love them and respect them always for their unconditional love for me.

    Yes now im thinking to make dh stY with his frnd at city C while i get surg dsurg done and rest for a mo th at moms place.

    But I'm just worried about his parents influencing his mind over this 1month.
     
    GeetaKashyap likes this.
  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes tat would be better. But don’t stress too much thinking about Inlaws.
    Right now surgery is your main priority.
    Since your DH is already in new job then don’t worry about such things.

    Daily keep reminding him that only after you guys settle at new home, you can invite them for few days.

    We cannot stop inlaws completely from visiting our home.
    That may cause further issues in future.
    So only after settling well you can invite them for shorter duration.
    Some owners will ask how many people will be staying in the house. Mention only 2 of them will be staying to your owner.
    Indicate this to your DH , so inlaws can stay only for small duration.
     
    GeetaKashyap likes this.
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Hey pinky,
    Since your husband is already staying with friend,go to parents house and have surgery. Recover fully . Health is more important in the long run .
    It is just one month.
    Stay in close touch with husband .

    If money is tight,why not look for a studio or one bedroom apartment for now instead of a two bedroom apartment.

    Once you get a job, you can shift into a bigger one .
    Financial burden can cause problems in early marriage.

    Getting a smaller house will reduce the financial burden and it is easier to maintain . Less cleaning required,less things required ,less rent,less security deposit,less maid salary.

    This will also be like making a compromise with him to help him .
    He is the only earning member and his financial distress should be acknowledged.

    He may be feeling overwhelmed by the new responsibility of starting a new home and full responsibility of it for the first time.

    Acknowledge his fear and offer a soulution.
    Make him feel that things will slowly get better and soon you will be joining him in reducing his load.


    For the rented apartment,you both can do the puja . Tell him you will invites both parents when you both buy a house in the future.
    Or when you rent a bigger house.

    As for the fear of husband getting brainwashed....he can get brainwashed even when you both are together.
    Tell him to enjoy living with friend for now like a forced bachelor.
    If they brainwash,you do the same. Your husband will either learn to stop getting brainwashed or keep getting brainwashed by whoever is stronger. Make sure you are stronger with better logic and solutions .
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2018
    pinky2cute and shravs3 like this.
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