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Need a womans thoughts are perspectives

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by unhappi68, Dec 22, 2011.

  1. unhappi68

    unhappi68 New IL'ite

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    Ok, from the title you probably assumed I am a man. You are correct.:thumbsup I have done a lot of internet surfing and find myself reading a lot from this forum so I joined to ask a specific question.

    I have been married to my wife for 12 years now and we have 2 beautiful young boys ages 11 & 5. My wife and I are both professionals and I am back at school part time obtaining another degree.

    We had a great marriage until about 1-1/2 years ago when we got into a small scuffle with some of our married friends. My wife tried like hell to fix the situation time and time again to where I just said, why dont we just pull back from these people. Bottom line is, the wife of this couple was my wife's best friend and she wanted to fix this situation. I went along with my wife's wishes. Months went by and my wifes attitude would always seem to be up/down about this whole situation with our friends. It was to the point when we would get together people, other than our couple friends, would ask me what is wrong with my wife. Other times we would get toegether and she was perfectly normal. Months go by with this behavior and I didnt think to much of it.

    My wife's birthday was rolling around in July so I was talking to her friend, the wife of our couple friends, when I would see her about us having a surprise birthday party for her. Well, her husband's birthday was exactly 6 days away from my wife's birthday so we decided to try to throw a surprise party for the both of them. We emailed back and forth discussing our plans as we couldnt really talk in person. I never thought much of it honestly.

    As weeks rolled on and our plans got clearer, my wife's attitude seemed to change about her best friend and I dont know why. My wife ended up logging onto my email account (she has always had my passwords) and discovered the email string we had going about this party. She was furious!! When she brought this to my attention she actually had divorce papers with the string of emails printed out. She emptied our checking account and took 1/2 of our savings. Now honestly, there were a few emails that talked about my wife's behavior when we got together. Her friend kept wondering what she was doing wrong to my wife to try to understand why she would give her the cold shoulder one day and the next day my wife was a sweet as pie.

    Anyways after she brought this to my attention, she proceeded to go to her family and discuss the matter. I have no idea to this day what was discussed but her brother and sister have totally tried to wreck our marriage since. It all started out by them totally insisting to her that we need a divorce. This pressure from them to her went on for months. Once they found out that she didnt want to be pushed into such a fast decision, they decided to start to isolate her from any family activities. They be-friended her on Facebook, told her extremely mean things to her face and even tried to talk to our boys about how bad dad is.

    Now I have to say, her mom and dad have been wonderful throughtout this entire subject. I sat down one on one with both her mother and father and openly discussed this subject. Tears flowed on both ends but they both realize that my intentions were not to harm their daughter.

    I also openly sat down with her brother and sister one on one and discussed this matter even though I thought it to be none of their business. They asked questions and I answered everyone honestly. Her sister kept saying "oh, I didnt know that" to my answers. I thought this would curb the anger with her sibilings and did it on the suggestion of her parents.

    Turn the page to 1-1/2 years after this has all happened and still her siblings isolate her, talk down to her if they talk to her at all. They both repeatedly tell her I am not welcome in their homes. If we get a Christmas or birthday card, my wife's name is on the card and my two boys, not mine. They are very pissed at her because she wont tell them anything but I am afraid the damage is done.

    My wife cannot seem to let this go with her siblings. They both treat her like $hit and now it's to the point where their significant others also treat my wife like $hit. I want to say something but I am afraid I will explode on these people.

    My wife is also coping with her father's death. My wife is VERY close to her mother and I also know this situation is hurting her.

    With the holidays coming up, she is so depressed about this that it is affecting our healing process. Is it a guy thing where if this was my family, I would just tell them all to "shove it" and not think another minute about this and move on with my life. My boys keep asking why is mom always so sad. They see it. We have been to councelling only a few times as she doesnt want to go. We did couples councelling once and she refused to go back saying she feels more comfortable going by herself.

    Bottom line is, I love my wife, I have always loved my wife and I have literally told her 100 times how sorry I am for this entire situation. I look at my wife after all these years and I still think she is an absolute knock-out. To think that she would think I would do anything with anyone and ESPECIALLY her best friend is totally ridiculous.

    So, now what? Our good days are good but they hid in the shadows of the bad days. Sex life is almost non-existant. We still never fight about anything. I do realize that I made mistakes in this entire situation and sure wish I could change them. I have always known my wife is a jealous person even though she is extremely friendly to everyone.

    I guess my questions are

    Is it possible for my wife to get thick skinned to her siblings?
    How do I know what my wife wants when it comes to us?

    I have told her numerous times that I want nothing more than for her to be happy and if that means without me, I will live with that and I truly mean that even though I know what it will mean to our boys.

    I have learned to listen when she talks about how mean her siblings are to her and how bad she hurts from it but I also feel she needs to accept this behavior they are giving her, live with it and if she want to, start our healing process.

    I am totally confused as how I am to be and how to act as I would love to fix this situation but feel I am losing the fight inside of myself.

    Signed,

    help
     
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  2. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    I am very sorry to read you situation. Believe me I can compeltely understand how much it hurts because I am also married for 14 years.

    If whatever you have written is completely true then you are not at fault. It was your wife's fault to confide personal things with her siblings. Here I wan to mention very important point to all married people. Please donot share personal problems to your siblings or parents or friends unless they are really really big/irreconcilable and you cannot sort out with your spouse. Because even if you reconcile with your spouse, your family members and friends will loose respect for your spouse forever and you will be doormat in their eyes. So please try to sort out personal marital problems with your spouse first.

    OP can you please explain me more about this line?
    "there were a few emails that talked about my wife's behavior when we got together."
     
  3. unhappi68

    unhappi68 New IL'ite

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    My wife and this lady were best friends for years. I mean they did everything together. When my wife started acting lets say "abnormal" compared to her very fun loving usual self, everyone noticed and everyone questioned why my wife was acting strange. There was one time where my wife only talked to the kids the entire night we were at some friends house for dinner. It was just strange.

    I heard my wife tell her best friend numerous times that she loved her and I also heard her tell her husband the same thing. I thought nothing of it and knew that she meant in a friendship way. I do remember in one email that her friend told me something like, "everything would be just fine with my wife, hang in there and that she loved me or us.......something on that order. I sure didnt read anything into it but I know my wife brought that up.

    Im not a jealous person, never have been probably never will be. I just brushed it off. Maybe that is ignorance on my part??
     
  4. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    OP

    If whatever you have written is completely true then You should not worry at all. Your wife really loves you more than her siblings. Its just she is sad because they have isolated her after this episode. Its very mean on their (her siblings) part. If they really love their sister they will accept you like before this episode. They should understand you didn't have any EMA and it was for your love on your wife. You did good thing to explain your side personally to them.

    Its very common to setup surprise parties for our spouse. My dh always do that with my girlfriends and I do that with his friends too. We both have our passwords but we keep changing occassionaly (if we r planning something like this).

    From your post its clear your wife has jealous nature, she is hasty but she loves you very much. There are many incidents in many marriages when people think about divorce. People express their personal problems with close ones but realise over the time what is important for them. She showed you divorce papers in fit of anger. We all have love hate realationships. But end of the day we all have to set our priorities. All indian women give highest importance to their kids and then spouse and parents. Siblings love/attachment may change after marriage. I am sure time will heal everything. You should ensure your wife how much deeply you love her time to time........Don't keep any contact with those friend couple which create fight between you and your wife. Both share passwords now onwards so she will feel secured. Time will heal everything.
     
  5. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Unhappi68,

    Your wife is going through a phase of extreme hurt and sadness. she feels isolated because of her siblings' behaviour, betrayal from you( even if that was not your intention), loss of her father.
    Even your kids notice that she is always sad. She might be suffering from clinical depression. The best thing for you to do would be to take her to a psychologist who can prescribe some anti-depressant. It is an illness just like any illness and can be treated with medication.
     
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  6. vjbunny

    vjbunny IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP...
    Its very sad what you have gone thru....I agree with Monita that your wife is under severe depression..... Too many people have ruined it for her and I guess what she needs at this moment is the reassurance of love n support and I think its the right time you both go on a long holiday together...and calm her disturbed in secure mind with your love n concern n show her that in your life none mean anything beside her n try to resolve the issue between you .......

    I hope you can manage to get her to go for long holiday....

    Be positive.... I am sure everything will be fine... Good Luck
     
  7. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Read this post today , there seems to be more than what is written.
    Its easy to brand ones spouse strange , abnormal and get her her treated for depression , talk about it to friends to get sympathy.
    The question is what made her depressed? Please check your own behaviour with your colleagues and friends .
    Is there a third angle to it?
    Maybe she has confided the truth to her family and is in a dilemma over some issue.
    Nobody goes into depression over a friend , what was the scuffle about?
    Please introspect.
    PS- You have asked for womens point of view , generally a wife gets depressed due to an EMA. Marriage becomes routine and boring after some time , a perfect ground for "friendships" to bloom.
     
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  8. adityaa

    adityaa New IL'ite

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    Really I dont beleive this explanition. Like No one would get paranoid for a normal friendly Email chats
    No women would think of a divorce for chattign with frnd :p

    First of all planning a bday party would need just 10 min conversation over the phone (if it has to be )
    or if u r really interested in that other person then u can tell N number of reasons and excuses for the same

    It really hurts to the core when the husband comments about his wife to other female.

    I really dunno how this can be patched up... may be for the sake of the kids.

    the best thing is leave her as she s for some time... and try to change ur attitude, try to gain her confidence, try to understand the depth of ur fault.
     
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  9. mansimahi

    mansimahi Gold IL'ite

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    More than jealousy, i think the fact that you discussed your wife's behaviour with a third person (especially the person with whom who you guys had just patched up after some scuffle)- must have felt like betrayal and must have hurt your wife immensely. This along with the indifferent behaviour of her siblings must have battered her self-esteem like anything which is why she seems sad and listless. Now, she is questioning her own judgement of you as well as her siblings -
    also i dont really understand why her siblings should be upset because she came back to you.... is there anything more than meets the eye? ...what exactly was discussed by your wife with them when she was upset with your mails...maybe it could be guilt that she judged you badly and mislead her siblings about you... could also be eating her up.

    # seek proffessional help - to fight her depression

    # talk to your wife's siblings - together with your wife. In all possibility her siblings must be thinking that she is being victimised by staying married to you. So when you and your wife show an united front, maybe they will revise their thinking... tell your wife you will support her in everyway possible...to mend her relationship with her siblings

    # Go on a vacation - forget everything else - just focus on each other
     
  10. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    The major mistake u have done is taking ill about ur wife to a third person inspite of knowing that ur wife knows all your passwords....no women can really bare this..tht too u hav spoken all this to a female friend..it is obvious tht any women will react like this..try to men ur ways of such act else things will go out of shape. Try to stay away from her frnds and things will fall in place.
     

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