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My younger sis

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by anamica245, Jan 2, 2012.

  1. anamica245

    anamica245 New IL'ite

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    Hi

    I stay in chennai at an hour place from my parents.I have a younger sis who is nearing 28 unmarried.We have been searching for an alliance for the past 2-3 years but nothing finalised..there were 2-3 alliance which were closed to finish but somehow stopped ...
    I have a 14 month old daughter.Since my parents are already depressed regarding my sister, i take my daughter almost every weekend to them . I find my sister's behaviour very bad .She wakes at 10 am and does not help mom in anything .My mom is also getting little old .She manages everything but sometimes she also feels tired. I ask her to help in small things.She sits in laptop and play games. She is working and her work is bit hectic .So she is telling that she has to take rest. My mom does not tell her anything but complains to me as she thinks she might be already depressed .She had lots of problems in office ..Off late her office has become better but still the marriage talks must be frustating.I love my sis very dearly but i could not see her laziness .I want her to manage both office and work and hence advise ..maybe my tone is not that gr8 and this usually results in tiff between us and she ends up crying . I dont want to hurt her but how can i make her understand that she is not a small baby anymore and has to take care of household work
     
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  2. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Anamica,

    Instead of asking her to pitch in household work directly, start doing some work which interests her and ask her to help you out. Keep her engaged in this work by chatting with her. Ease her into the routine instead of letting her be idle through the week and asking her to take up something huge over the weekend. Encourage her to try new recipes and appreciate her cooking. Praise her work in front of others. This will make her more interested. Dont give her monotonous chores like washing, sweeping mopping at the beginning. Even if she doesnt learn them, you can always hire a maid for that.

    Last but not least, give her a break regarding marriage and related topics. It will happen when it happens. When she is getting depressed about her marriage, tell her that you love her for what she is, married or not. Such kind of support goes a long way in easing the tensions in the house and making her confident about herself. Ask your parents to discuss the proposal and related stuff among themselves. Talk to her about the proposals only if they find something concrete. That way she can concentrate on other tasks instead of getting depressed about her marriage.
     
  3. anamica245

    anamica245 New IL'ite

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    Thanks orion ...
    I will try to follow .. the one thing is she is not interested in anything .she goes to office and comes to office.whenever i tell her something, u were not doing this b4 ur marriage but now u r doing it .So i will do it when i will marry ....
    Although i never used to do much household work b4 marriage, i had been in overseas regd job for 1 and half year and pretty much manged to live independently but she has never been outside our house and hence i am concerned ..
     
  4. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    My brother who cannot boil an egg to save his life when he was at home turned out to be a good cook after he settled in US :) Some people dont take up the responsibility till it is forced on them. Maybe your sis is like that..

    If you are concerned about how she will manage after she is married, ask your mom to go on a vacation or visit someone she knows. See how your sis manages during that time. It might turn out to be a reality check to both of you.

    Your sis might cope brilliantly and you might be pleasently surprised or she will realize what she has to learn to manage a home and start working towards it.
     
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  5. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear, you need to mind your own business be it sis or sil.
    Good you visit weekly with your child to keep your parents spirits good.
    That's all you can do. You can't be a parent to your sis. If your mom wants to tell things to you so she can feel better just listen and show compassion to mom. Your sis is fighting her own battles so you can't tell her what to do? How to behave etc.
    Maybe you and your h can help in groom hunting and give her sound advice in that area instead of telling her to help mom or stop being lazy.
     
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  6. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Agree with Orion and ars. In India, kids (even grown up kids) are way too dependent on the parents for their needs. The suggestion that your parents should go on a vacation is a good one. She is also right when she says that she will learn to manage when time comes.
    Your mother can also assign some work on regular basis. Tell her to cook one curry, or give her some options and ask her to pick up which one she wants to do. This will help her to become a responsible adult.
     
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  7. hemalathaK

    hemalathaK Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with ars completely.Better be cordial than getting hurt.I don't mean to say that you sister is going to hurt you, but there are chances that she might feel irritated some time in future.Obviously she has her own hectic job and tensions.Also she is not a kid .She can very well manage both office and house once she gets married and follow orion's suggestion and try to involve her without her conscious.That will work better.
     
  8. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    It will be good if you stop interfering at home . Your Mom can deal with your sister , she is the one who has been pampering her, she does not need your help.
    Neither does your sister need your advice. Just because she is unmarried does not mean that she should be lectured.
    She may keep maids to do the housework after marriage.Working women come up with their own solutions to such problems .
    Married DDs should step back and let the parents deal with siblings.:coffee
     
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  9. DST

    DST Bronze IL'ite

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    My younger sister was like yours....Now she got married and does a good job at her in-laws place..her MIL doesn't do much work or cook as my mom does...now my sister knows my moms value and help her sometimes...better than before...

    My mom wants us to concentrate only on studies and doesn't want us to help her out in household chores even when we were in PG...we also didn't do any cooking/cleaning voluntarily...now after marriage we are a good cook, manage the house independently and now wants to help her whenever we visit,since we know her role...She's proud of me after visiting us here...

    So don't worry..she'll be fine...Instead of asking her to start a work...just drag her like, "Can you pls. do this, cut this veggie,etc", call her to the kitchen,saying lets chat while cooking...Hope this helps....
     
  10. Chandrika82

    Chandrika82 Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with ars too. Both of you are adults now, and you need to stop treating her like a kid, giving out unsolicited advice. You already know she's feeling low because of the whole marriage alliance search. Why would you want to add to her heartache pointing out things that she is not doing good enough ??

    If your parents are overloaded with housework, the sensible thing to do for you is to help them with hiring a maid who will take care of all the housework. That way your mom is also relieved and you dont have to drag your sis into it. As other posters have mentioned, when the need arises your sis will step up to the job. I am saying this from personal experience.
     

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