My sad story...a vent

Flyingsparks · Jul 22, 2012

My sad story..a vent..a long post..

Hi ilites...
I am a daily visitor to this site..
Right now i am going through a rough period..infact things are pretty bad in my life...i am here to vent,cry,share..please bear with me and don't judge me on reading the post..
My ils came for a three month visit..they are leaving next month...last month I and mil had big fight.it started with small issue.but things went out of control.we shouted at each other..i was soo frustrated( it was one of my pms days along with high tyhroid n blood sugar levels..).. I would have hit her coz of sever anger had i been there..i wanted to go out of that place to prevent all that ..i just took my bag and left the home.i was scared i might do something wrong so i left..there is a religious place across the street.i directly went there..cried and cried and cried..cried the whole day..i came home the next morning..after coming..my parents called me and asked why did i do n what happened.they scolded me..they heard my version of story ..then they told mil's version which was soo wrong...i just couldn't control my anger inspite of taking so much time to cool down..they accused me of all false allegations..i din't expect that thing from dear husband also..as such he is v nice guy..we trust each other a lot..i din't know he also would speak like that..i felt so bad..i shouted on phone on my mother..i was in such rage..i din't know what i was saying..i said what i felt,what was going on in my mind..past,present issues..everything..

The fight was unnecessarily started by mother in law.she could have left it..i am a crazy girl atleast i could have left it..unnecessarily i back answered and facing the wrath now.. ( had i known IL website then i would have learnt a lot n avoided all these problems))

dear husband said something rude to me just like that without any valid reason behind it....i felt bad but din't say a word.i kept quiet n din't bother about him.i ignored and was doing my work...the day b4 i slept on floor and dear husband on bed asusual..i have severe backache and during P.M.S days i get even more pain...i was also having severe belly pain and bloating..i told dear husband that i'll sleep on floor today as i am not feeling well..he understood and we slept.don't know when mother in law noticed. Next day she asked infront of everybody why r u moody.i said nothing.still she insisted.she also started shouting why do we need two seperate bedding arrangements..i got pissed off that..how did she come to know..( we live in 1 bhk)...

I told her i have back ache so i slept on floor..she din't listen.she sensed something is wrong and started shouting." what less did my son do to u.y are u torturing him like that..there is no s_ _ satisfaction only for him..this that..i got v v annoyed..already i was in bad mood coz of pms,anger on dear husband,((anger on mother in law never fades)) .. All in all i retorted..we both were shouting and dear husband was in a shock state.he was on the couch watching both of us..i pulled him to stop his mom...oh god..if i think back about that moment..i am myself shocked at why did i do like that..he tried to stop his mom and me..but both were not listening..i don't know why she neither stopped nor what was going in her head but i was like going mad...

She was continuously blabbering and blaming me that i am not giving him food,i am torturing etc etc which are baseless..i do everything for him..i take care of the whole household chores..everything i do n never let him do coz i know i have to see this day..dh comes to help me sometimes but i avoid him..she accused me that i am not giving him proper food.i shud not give cereal,pancake,waffles or bread to him for bf.everyday i have to prepare roti,poori,idli,dosa or vada itseems..i told we got used it here like that..but still i'll prepare the material ready on weekend..gimme time.....she has concerns over everything.how to boil milk,eggs, everything...what if little water is more in the vessel when boiling eggs..for that she said..din't u see ur mother doing this or din't she teach you?. Who doesn't get annoyed with such statements..

I was soo enraged that i would have hit her had i been there during the fight..went into my room n tried to avoid her..i put on the headfones and started listening to songs with loud sound..she came inside and pulled them away..she started saying.." son leave her,she is devil,she will kill you.u don't have to put up with her ..this that.." i was still avoiding her..fil also joined...i was getting so irritated...just walked out of the house..to get some air..i needed some space and time ..to vent,cool,down and think..

Problem with mother in law is she is too intruding..everything shud be done her way..constantly nags nags nags and nags..her words are soo rude and harsh to provoke enough anger in anybody...she has problem with everything...i shouldnot use dishwasher,paper towel..this that..she puts forth somany restrictions that i am scared to do anything infront of her..i try to b v v v careful not to give her chance but she finds fault with everything...It's like i am walking on egg shells all the time in front of parents in law.

One day i prepared rajma curry..it tasted good.mother in law & fil din't eat saying it is north indian type..we don't eat..(no offence to any rajma eating person or north indians)).. I prepared one more item after learning from internet..she said no need to learn..u do what i have taught..that's enough..one more day..i cooked something i have learnt from a friend..again same dialogue..huhhh...like this a dialogue is tagged for every work i do..imagine how to spend time with her n be with her..that's why i used to finish of all the work by 11am in the morning,put everything ready for them on the dining table and leave for library..i wanted to keep the interaction as less as possible..I used to return when dear husband returned from office in the evening..i din't know then they were not liking it..after all the fight they are saying it now...

Also she has been pressuring us for kids since a long time...i was also in the process..and i was preparing for my USMLE exams...i failed in first exam..imtook the second and passed succesfully..now started preparing for the first again..so she was pressing me for both...

That's it..there ends my life..it's been one month & nobody is talking to me because i shouted and humiliated them...i agree i was rude...what else to do...she was saying all nasty things..i couldn't control...i shouted what all i had in my head.i absolutely din't see it coming...oh god what have i done..for once i should have thought about the consequences....

Now their nagging increased even more because i am the accused person.." why do i need so many clothes,footwear.why do i have to decorate my home,why do i need so many soft toys etc etc....it's so humiliating that fil asked why i used ocpills for birth control.i was so shocked....i never did share that thing with my mother who is my best friend nor with my sisters..(i have pcod so i did use them for a while)) it's so embarrassing that he asked.how did he even get that thought that he shud ask a dil that question..( oh i get it..it is all revenge for the shouting i did)i din't know where to hide my face...

I donno what to do know..they are pestering me for divorce....i asked them for a sincere aplogy..i fell on their feet and assured that it won't be repeated..it was first time and it would be last..still they are not listening..

Dear husband was talking ok ok for few days..he even hugged me and asked me to cry my heartful..he said" i know u..u r a nice girl..u shouldn't have done like that..i feel sorry for u..i pity u" he was all nice..again since 10 days he stopped talking to me...now he is not sleeping with me in the same room..

I am not able to understand what they want to convey in the first place
..one day mother in law told don't ever repeat this and plan for a baby in a yr..i said ok..
one day she tells u r taking lot of time here and not able to study anyhow..come to india with us..u be at ur mom's place and finish the exams..( i wanted my mom to come b4 inlaws coz i needed help and emotional support for my exams..i was v v depressed. I conveyed this thing to dear husband & mother in law but they said we will think) .

One day she says...no need to stay with my son..u are anyhow not letting him live with peace of mind..apply for divorce..
One day she says..if u find a job in a different place go and do..it's better if u people live seperately..

One day dear husband says..i need time..u go to india,finish your exams,spend some time with ur parents and then come back..(i don't trust his parents with this thing coz once i leave it becomes easier for them)

One day they say if u want to stay here stay but divorce is for sure in future..and we won't let u study..if u study you will dominate my son..so no studies..
One day she says..how will u even sleep beside my son after all this...how do u even want to live here with him or for that matter even live after what all u did..

Huh..oh god..i am going crazy.
i spoke to my parents..they are also quite confused about what to say..i am putting everybody under lot of agony..i feel like killing myself..

I am confused.i like dear husband and want to stay..but will our relationship be the same..already we have compatibility issues and communication gap..we are in a bit of bonding phase and realised our love for each other v recently..and all the episode happended...
I put in a lot of effort to build this relationship, now everything is in drain....with all these issues can we ever be the same.will that freedom,intimacy be there between both of us...fil is threatening me that neither me nor my parents should come to their home in india anytime in future....

Are they just scaring me or do they really want us to be separated...i am not ale to understand anything..

Please ilites help me..please don't judge me & don't hate me..already i am feeling i am the worst person on earth...
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lochu · Jul 22, 2012

Hi FLyingsparks

Looks like you are in lot of confusion .First of all stop feeling guilty .You have not commited any crime .Asking DIL about OC pills and dealing with such control freaks would drive any normal person crazy and I suppose any girl in your position would have lost control .DOn't go to India now .Things will heal with time don't worry .

You have apolozised for what you did so leave it at that .Your MIL would have got the message that she has poked her nose unecessarily and next time she will think twice before accussing you .I suggest please be assertive instead of agressive .If she interferes with kitchen stuff or day to day things just ignore her and just nod you head before her and do what you have to do .But if she intereferes in personal stuff then let her know you don't want to talk about it and its personal in a nicer tone ( I know its very difficult to control the temper when someone asks you such personal questions )

DOn't go to India now .Looks like your DH is good but may be he is just not talking to you because of parents .Trust me after the leave things will get better .come what may don't apolizise anymore or show your guilt to them .time will heal everything

good luck

try to divert your mind on something else .

sheztheone · Jul 22, 2012

You know who is at fault here?
Your husband.

Which man sits on the sidelines watching when anyone accuses his wife of not satisfying him in bed?? At that point, your husband should have ideally told his mom to back off and that he understood your pain. This seriously is none of your MIL's business as to what you two do or do not do inside the bedroom. If she was concerned, she should have asked you and DH separately and subtly if everything was okay-even that would be bordering on indecency in my opinion.

Why did you have to call them over when you were still in the bonding phase? Why does the onus of the relationship have to fall on you?

With regard to your current confusion, have a one-on-one calm and heart-to-heart talk with DH. Ask him whether he is happy with the way you are taking care of him and the house. Put your MIL, FIL, mom and everyone else in the backseat. This is between YOU and HIM. If your DH mentions any points that you have to work on, assure him that you will work on the same. Tell him that you love him and want to work on the relationship, but also tell him that you expect the same commitment from him. It is his responsibility to sort your issues with his parents. His mom cannot walk all over you for stupid and unreasonable issues and expect you to fall at her feet (which you have already done). Tell him that you respect his parents but cannot handle all the nagging and interfering. Be calm when you say all this else it will backfire. Mention that you would love to learn from her but also need your space and do not want to be shouted at, more so with your health condition.

As far as the baby and your studies are concerned, again this is something that YOU and H should discuss. Anyone who has a tongue will have an opinion and free advice is the easiest thing to give. Have you talked to your husband about this? What is his opinion? If you two operate as a unit as far as kids are concerned, no one can make you feel guilty.
And about your FIL and the pills, I just have no words. There was another post (on IL forum I think) about FIL commenting on the size of DIL's breasts. I really wonder where all these FILs come from.

Again, your MIL or mom or anyone for that matter has absolutely no right to say that you have to divorce H. Would she divorce FIL if you asked her to?

Work on your relationship with your husband. No matter how angry you get with ILs, NEVER take it out on H. Make him understand your situation. It will take time, and I understand that it is very difficult to not get provoked by MIL, but just bite your tongue for the next month.

Just wait for them to leave. You will be fine. Be strong and smart.

tulipzz · Jul 22, 2012

ONE step at a time. They are leaving after a month. Act deaf and dumb until then. Don't talk to ANYONE. Let them leave first.

riyagan · Jul 22, 2012

Dear God! Flying sparks, hugs to u. i pray for u that u come over this torments soon at any cost. i mean it!! is that a F****** MIL or some Devil u hav at home..am sorry...but i cant control myself after reading what u r going through...i wud hav tied her with a jumbo missile and fire it asap to make her disappear into the vast space. i feel sorry for ur hubby..dont ever leave him..thats ur inlaws plan. if she ask u to leave tell her in a clear stern voice that u hav no such idea in the near future. tell her indirectly/directly that forcing the couple for divorce is against law and ppl may get arrested under various sections.

mysticdiva · Jul 22, 2012

hugs to u flying sparks.I understand anyone would go crazy when there is so much of intrusion from inlaws.
Have a good talk with ur hubby(the way you say he is a nice guy)I m sure he will understand.
Believe me how ever good the hubby is,he will never go against his parents or questions them for any of their actions(there might be a few,I have never heard of one;-),so there is no point in asking them to support you when there is a fight even if ur right.thats when u get to see the ugly truth about husband that they will never suport you...everytime I ask my husband about my inlaws actions and why he is not interfering he says ''they are my parents,how can I question them''....crap!!!!
anyways what I m saying is first try to build a good relationship with ur hubby,then all this divorce threatening by ur inlaws will stop....pls stop apologising anymore.this is just a rough phase,there are good day ahead.take care.

satchitananda · Jul 22, 2012

My hugs to you and sincere prayers that they see some good sense - and more than that, that your husband should realize that he needs to stand up for you. I am really pained reading this and don't know what to say - or I am sure that what I want to say is something I should not say. My blood is boiling and I cannot trust myself to be moderate in my words, so I shall leave this here. I am sure other ILites will give you really good suggestions here.

Shanvy · Jul 22, 2012

flyingsparks,

I agree that your in-laws have crossed the line and your husband has not stood by you.. and i am not going to talk about these two issues..

i am looking at a frustated, angry woman, who shouts, is angry but is taking the excuse of pms, and illness. I think you need to self analyse yourself and look at what is wrong..are you really doing all this only because of your illness, if so please check if what medical help you are having right now is enough..because what happened last week, can definitely happen tommorrow when your in-laws leave and you have a small trigger, and you want to question why your husband did not support you, and why he was sitting and watching..and this could move to a bigger picture, trust me, it is simmering inside, (after all we are all humans) to take a vent out.

right now, the best thing you can do for your marriage, is push all these issues, mil, mom, fil and everybody and concentrate on yourself and your husband.. i used to say sometimes, that everybody else are like the bogies of a goods train..you can dismantle them when not needed..but you and your husband are like the engine in your marriage.. for the time being concentrate on the engine..unless things are smooth running between you both, you can never pull off the additional bogies..

All the other drama, is because of the so called EGO that is boosted and blown up by the society..we are the in-laws, and you cannot raise your voice..

now the best thing you can do for yourself, is stop asking forgiveness, feeling sorry..you have asked for one sincerely, if it is not accepted, it does not matter even if you were to do it a 100 times now.. the best way is to wait this period out, and take a greater effort at making things work between you and your husband..

It may feel the odd men out post here, but sometimes, i believe it is better to look at ourselves before, we point the fingers towards the opposite side.. if there is no fault in us, it is fine..else time to sit , analyse and have a heart to heart open conversation with your husband...talk about your anger issues, the triggers, ask him to help you out..(it is not wrong you know)

IT IS YOUR LIFE, and you need to hold the bull by the horns.. sometimes it is easy and sometimes, it takes out more than you can give it..so what, if you are happy at the end, it was worth all the effort.. so stay strong...

all the best...

Shanvy · Jul 22, 2012

Flyingsparks,

Another thing, il is a virtual forum and what we think or if we were to judge you SHOULD NOT MATTER..please stop giving too much importance to what if they judge me bad or if they hate me...

even if you have done a mistake, it was yours, and you are the only one who can correct it,..the judgement or the hatred of others is not going to rectify it.. so chin up and face the world..the world always hits you hard when you bend your head down... i tell you, even if you are ashamed, bear it with strength, don't bow down with humility, because that is the worst ammunition you can give to people who wait to hit you when you are weak...

introspection · Jul 22, 2012

Hi flyingsparks, from your write-up I realize that your emotionally fragile at the moment.

Let me warn you first do not plan for any kids, you might end up saying weak moment and then realize you are carrying, so don't plan for kids when so much drama is ongoing.

Think practically, just because your husband said he wants a divorce or in-laws said they want their son to get a divorce, is it the END of the world for you ? yeah its a shocker in the beginning, takes time to sink in, but its NOT the end of the world. Infact consider this as a forewarning about the people who you are dealing with.

Your MIL is one crazy person, not you ..she is intrusive and doesn't understand that she cannot micromanage DIL's in today's world. Not you, but anyone, even a new bride for your husband, will not tolerate your MIL's tantrums.

Please wait for your in-laws to leave, they will give you hell till the last day, but after they leave, its just one to one between you and your husband. Talk to him, and ask him what he wants, but do this when there is no background (MIL's) music.

Ask him, if he is interested in continuing ?

Remember the end of the marriage is not the end of the world. Its surely regrettable that a relationship is not working out, but there is no need to die for it. You also apologized for the incident, inspite of this they have not given you a consideration shows their narrow minded mentality.

Dont blame yourself for the mess. Shed the guilt. Any other girl / wife would have also perhaps reacted in the same way. Don't think too far ahead !! and age yourself .... ..also my personal opinion, your husband taking sides in a fight is fine, but not standing up for the wife if she is being repeatedly insulted also shows the character of your husband.

Did he tell you I pity you ? Im sorry he should not pity his wife, but stand up for her (maybe he is scared to stand up in front of his mother). Also, when you, will produce babies should not be concern for any other person other than your husband.

Be strong, be bold ..this too will pass ... wait for your inlaws to leave first !