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My s/wDH asking me to accepts his scold & beats because nothing loss in it.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Reesha, Jun 17, 2015.

  1. Denni

    Denni Gold IL'ite

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    Give him his own medicine. Yell back to him if he yells. Don't let him beat you, give him back the punches if he tries!!!. Give him the silent treatment and stop doing all the chores around the house if you are being punished for no particular reason.

    I have been married for 10 years now, and I have gone through many problems in my married life, yelling or beating is something that I would never tolerate and my husband has never hit me or even tried. A man who beats his wife is not a man at all!

    Husband and wife are equal partner in a marriage and that's how it should be. Remind him again that you are not his slave!
     
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  2. Keet

    Keet Silver IL'ite

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    Poor Mommy, Poor Papa, Poor Brothers, Poor Sisters, Poor Aunts, Poor Uncles etc.

    Lucky Husbands. Even if they threat wife like garbage, they are entitled to be treated as babies.
     
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  3. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    Why would women need to manipulate men to get things done?!! After all these years of fighting to be treated as an equal the least women could do is behave like an equal.. Sorry I don't feel manipulation is either needed or right.. When women dint have any other options and couldnt do anything ,they used to resort to such behaviour but now it is not the same..
    Dear OP, pls dont allow ur husband to illtreat you, if he yells tell him that you will not tolerate this behaviour n leave the place.. Don't apologise for saying it n wait till he realises his mistake.. Don't treat him like a kid who made a mistake unknowingly, he can control n should control his tongue.. At the same time you need to also handle other issues maturely without unnecessarily complaining or cribbing.. Once you learn to take control of the way you react, he will learn to behave..
     
  4. shruti1487

    shruti1487 Bronze IL'ite

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    I haven't one single time said to allow your husband to treat you with disrespect but said to manipulate him someway so that he comes on track. But let's see what advise OP follows and what respect she gets. Sometimes you have to do certain things so that you can control your husband.

    It's not a debate...you don't agree with me..don't agree...but let's see what good OP gets from your advises. If that's the case then re best option is to get divorced. I don't know if her husband is physically abusive or not...(verbal abuse is part of Indian culture...it's wrong but the fact is true..men has learnt that from ages) but from what I've read the only I can conclude is that she is longing for her husband's love and respect and that she cannot get by yelling at him.

    She cannot change her man overnight...she can only change him by changing her nature..the way u guys have replied to my comments shows that how you think her husband is a monster...I just gave a normal tips so that she can get what she wants...we all can give advises, it depends on her whether she wants to listen or not.

    Some of you ladies got offended when I said give motherly care to your husband... Why? What's wrong in it? Not everyone's marriage same like you. Some are mumma's boys..how to make them your husband? By shouting, by complaining, by yelling...you think they can be changed? Nope..they will in turn trust what others say except their wives.

    Marriage is based on LRT - love respect and trust that goes both ways..when u don't get it, you try to be manipulative...that's how life goes...and if you want to satisfy your ego, then best is to move out and live alone.
     
  5. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    Verbal abuse or any abuse is not part of Indian culture.. So it cannot be used as a cover up for bad behaviour..and men r not bound to abuse women be ause of tradition either,. So long as women themselves use such thinking to justify wrong attitudes, how will things change?
     
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  6. shruti1487

    shruti1487 Bronze IL'ite

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    You think it's not a part of Indian culture but Indian men thinks so...Bollywood movies shows that..your damn Hindi serials (eg...saathiya, old shows like pratigya etc..) show that..that's why men tend to behave like that. I'm not using it as a coverup at all, but truth is not always sweet. One has to digest the fact. Your man may not be that way but many men think verbal a use is fine. Trust me I come from a dysfunctional family.. my father was like that. I hv myself faced verbal abuse for 23 yrs. I know the thinking of these type of men and I know what can handle them. They can't be controlled by yelling but by being manipulative. If you really can't handle any of that then why bothering living with a man like that..just leave him...but not everybody have guts to do so even..so you have to workout the ways.

    Also once again I'm saying..I haven't once said to accept verbally abusive husband...I have just given some tips to improve him. okay you tell me how to improve him? Really give me one advise that can change him? Standing up against him saying it's wrong..that's one piece of thing I've read everywhere but I've also known the fact that it has not changed a husband whose mind has been corrupted from the movies and his surroundings..how can he improve? He has to be shown a different world - a world that you have to create for him....you all say go to marriage counsellors...what does marriage counsellors advise? They advise how to make thinks work..the same thing I've told...give him what he wants and se he will come after you...men are not complex creatures...they are simple and can be handled if one knows the proper technique..

    PS: Don't judge me or my marriage. I'm a woman with a quality of education and a happy marriage but the background I've come from is the same this women is facing. My parents were like that. Bullying and no respect. My mother foughty my father for 30 yrs for love and respect and never got one..my father used to throw things at my mom...I have never once said to allow your husband to direspect you. But how can you manipulate him...and yes some ladies lucky enough to get a good husband but majority are not.

    I just want to ask one question from all the ladies - if your marriage sucks so bad then why do you even live and stay in that marriage. You all say that husbands should not treat their wives like garbage..very true..but why are you living a life with that type of man at all? Why don't you move out? A question I've asked my mom several times and she told me coz of us and society.. you can ask me to stop giving advises..but what good is your advise doing to her? I hope she takes her child and move out of her husband is such a monster.
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Shruti, If a person abuses ,either verbally or physically and this is followed by the victim trying to please the abuser or obey the abuser,the message that goes to the abuser is that this is the way to control the victim.This is the way to get the required behavior ..

    This is true for all relationships ,whether husband wife or parent child or in some countries,even teacher student.

    If a husband beat or screams at wife and then the wife tries to please him by obeying,cooking favorite food or pleases him in bed to make him happy...then this bad behavior gets re-enforced and the abuse is prolonged. Abusive husbands rarely change because of good behavior of the wife.

    Same way,some parents think hitting the child to discipline is accepatable behavior. If the child behaves according to their expectations,then they feel justified in hitting the child. They use this hitting as a way of discipling the child again and again because it gives them good result.

    But sometimes children don't obey parents even on hitting,this is followed by more hitting but eventually this results in the parent realizing that this child cannot be controlled by hitting and then they try to find other methods that might work for the child.

    Wife abuse and child abuse are both behaviors that have been for long pardoned by our patriarchal society in the name of keeping order in society. Wives(younger women) need to be controlled and children need to be controlled.....that is what the traditional thinking is. But that does not make it right.

    People now realize that hitting children is not right.Similarly abusing women is not right .Just like people are finding different ways to discipline children,most husband's also now know that abusing wife is not an acceptable way of dealing with problems. Some husband still live in the past ,but such tactics don't work with wives in the present. Husband's need to learn or be taught to change.If that doesn't happen,then nothing will change in the wife's life. Just like some parents continue to bully their children though out life,such husband's continue to bully wives.

    I have yet to hear of a bully changing because the victim continued to please them. Pleasing them just gives them an incentive to abuse every time they are not happy.

    This is not just about husband wife relationship,this is basic human/animal behavior.
     
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  8. shruti1487

    shruti1487 Bronze IL'ite

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    i totally agree with you. Verbal abuse is unacceptable and I'm not all saying to please him...i have said to be manipulative and handle him..sometimes you have to teach men that what they are doing is wrong.

    Read my very first answer again and understand what I'm saying.

    You know you can criticize me for my advise. I am not asking her to live with an abuser...my initial answer started with either you get divorced and live happily and if you don't want to take divorce then follow simple steps and make your living easy. It's her choice. I haven't enforced her to live with an abuser because from what I read, it looked like she is asking for love and respect and has trouble in adjusting with his dominant nature.
     
  9. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    shruti,
    What you say, indeed does make some sense. You are talking taking into account the reality and practicality - not all strata and families in our indian society are the same. People's situations vary. The choice belongs to OP. Either can get out of the relshp and keep sanity and peace, or have to handle it in a way that makes her day-to-day more manageable by 'handling the H tactfully' (not deceiving him, I dont advocate deceipt, but tact).

    It is easy for people who are online and in the confines of their life (which is under control and secure) to say "Do this, and do that". Only the OP has to figure out what she can do in the confines of her own life.
     
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  10. shruti1487

    shruti1487 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you Ragini for understanding me.
     

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