My past has come back to haunt me...and my wife.

Pls don't partially quote me and twist the gist of my passage. I wasn't giving a lecture about honesty/dishonesty at all. I was only contesting op's cliched statement about how immoral Premarital sex is considered in Indian society.

 

Itis not about india, spiritualism or even religion ... because these days premarital sex is not as taboo as it was even some 10 years back. It is not that your wife didnt know about your past and suddenly woke up to the fact that you have had relationships before her. So rest assured that this is only pregnancy hormones and not anything more deeper than that.

With pregnancy, 99% of women feel insecure due to hormones, weight gain and other associated physical changes...and wonder if they will ever be the same and be beautiful, desirable for the husband... and it is natural that your past which was perfectly acceptable to her before reared its ugly head when she is feeling so insecure about herself. Moodiness, tears are all part and parcel of pregnancy.....
All you need to do is to be there for her...reassure and show her that you still find her beautiful, desirable, be loving.

Have any of your friends or family gone through separation, adultery, divorce, or any other marital issues recently? Maybe that is playing on her mind?? How long has it been since she started on this?

Also introspect on your own behaviour, maybe something you unknowingly did triggered her insecurity?

 

Mookier,

You sound like a nice guy. I have had issues with my Fiance regarding this as well, but it was her past that bothered me. Even though I am an American (like yourself), I was raised with fairly strong cultural ties regarding India so I wasn't as pernicious. Issues like this really can't be discussed, its something that your wife will have to get over on her own.

She more or less needs to 'forgive' and 'accept' your past. Let her be upset for a while, and instead of trying to convince her that it meant nothing and etc, just tell her you love her and that your sorry. You can't go back in time unfortunately, so she just needs to know that you are very apologetic and regretful of what happened before.

AbcdGuy

P.S.

How did you pull off marrying a FOB from India being a non-indian. That must have been quite a hurdle with her parents. Even as an American Indian, I would strongly prefer my kids to marry an Indian as well. *Props to you my friend*

 

@Mookier, You said, she is prego with your first kid. Probably, harmones are talking..Don worry. Talk to her softly and explain that she is your soul mate and you respect her feeling and culture..Things will go smooth..Patience is the key here. Good luck and congrats on your parenthood.

 

Mookier,

I am sure pregnancy has a huge factor in all of this. Think she just has a ton of hormones in her, and well she probably didn't have a past as exhaustive as your. When your pregnant you naturally become sensitive and insecure about all sorts of things. Honestly, the best way to deal with this is to NOT argue and prove your point, and instead apologize about your past and show sincere regret and remorse.

I understand as an American this is not what we have been taught regarding acceptance (Take me as I am... that may mean you may have to be a Stronger Man/Women). The past will always hurt her, but knowing you are genuinely sorry, regretful and remorseful will help her get over it. After all we all make mistakes, the goal is to make it VERY clear it is a mistake without having to defend your actions.

ABCDGuy

 

Dear Manishahi,

Since the time of the Muslims taken over India, Indian culture has became fairly taboo about pre-marital sex. From that point, sexuality has became a very taboo topic, and that has been engrained in to the minds of people for hundreds of generations. There is some evidence that does suggest that marriage and sex should be bound together exclusively, from many vedic scholars as well.

Even though premarital sex is not as taboo as it use to be, as displayed by popular Bollywood movies, it still has a social stigma to many that have been raised conservatively. In fact looking at current Indian Politics, there is a very strong nationalist movement in India trying to work towards a return to conservatism.

I do however agree being hormonal is probably the biggest reason why these problems are happening. The goal is to avoid confrontation and take the verbal assault.

 

Well said, this is exactly what I feel.

 

Tell her it took you 11 mis-steps to find her..

 

Hi mookier,
I do not see anything that you have to be apolegitic about. Thats the standard cultural norm of choosing mates, where you belong. Besides you have told her that upfront before marriage, though you are not expected to be virgin at wedding by your culture.
I dont know about the rest but I come from a south indian metro where pre marital sex IS NOT COMMON-its a strict NO. Gays may say that marriages of same sex are common in india and another liberated persona might want to marry an animal and say its common. They say so cause they do it and have a sincere conviction towards it.
Its not yet ok where I come from, may be another 50 years. If it were ok, let a bride/groom declare to the would be that she/he had sex before. Now everyone wants to cite an instance where it happened - one person doesnt represent the lot- its just an aberration. It doesnt happen everyday. If it were ok, they wouldnt hide their past relationships -re-christening the selfish motive of self-preservation with innocuous pedantry such as sparing the spouse the confusion. If denying the other person the right to choose in full knowledge is not hypocracy - ones passivity in knowing about such froom spouse does not ordain that right.
Well since you have shown to be no CONFUCIUS in hidning things, you probably are feeling bad because she's making a fuss about it. Wait till she delivers and if that coontinues even after, you know how to kick soccer ball, dont you?.
MyWayNow

 

Hi Mookier,

I hope it's your wife's hormones taking. She married you knowing your past, so she should learn to accept it and move on. Pregnancy might be making her feel insecure about herself. Let her know that she is still attractive to you.

Wanted to say something about different cultures, every culture has it's positive and negative side to it. In my view when a society completely forbids pre-marital sex, women are the one face the blunt of it because of obvious reasons. Again if a culture is too liberated about pre-marital sex then you have problems like teen pregnancy and so on.