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My past has come back to haunt me...and my wife.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mookier, Feb 2, 2012.

  1. mookier

    mookier New IL'ite

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    Hello, this is my first post and I'm coming here to hopefully find some answers for me and my spouse. Let me preface this by saying that I am a white guy who has lived almost my entire life in a small town in the US. I fell in love with and married a beautiful Indian woman, we live together in our house, go to work, and do all the things a normal couple would do. The problem is this: I had 11 relationships (none serious), most sexual, before I met my wife. The way I was raised in the US, sex was never considered taboo or an immoral thing to do as long as you were careful and used protection. After I met my (now)wife, I learned that (especially in the Indian culture) it is extremely immoral for a man to have had a physical relationship with someone other than his wife, let alone several. I have expressed to her time and again that I am remorseful of my actions and that I never knew that what I did in my past would hurt her in any way, in fact, if I knew that, I never would have done them in the first place. My wife has been fretting over this since we became a couple and I have been dealing with the guilt of my actions hurting her emotionally. She goes into times where she believes that I want to be with these other women, where she thinks I am constantly thinking about them, and she accuses me of not truly loving her when the truth is the exact opposite of what she is accusing me of.
    My wife does love me and I love her more than anything, but this issue has placed a huge wedge between us emotionally to the point where we get into huge yelling and screaming matches that we both regret later on. Last week I was so upset over the guilt and frustration that I just broke down. This issue is driving my wife into depression and me to loosing my mind. If anyone out there has any advice for us to be able to move forward, it would be greatly appreciated by the both of us.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2012
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    What you do or she does before marriage....if she wanted to know, she should have asked and find out from you before marriage....but what is the point in making it a big issue and spoiling a happy marriage now??? its not that you are going to have similar relationships even after marraige right??

    My thoughts are...may be she is scared that given a chance..you might get into such relationships even after marriage....some trust issue here...thats all....just try to explain it to her firmly n softly everytime she picks this topic...let her know that you are committed to her and she has to understand that just like she has her Indian background you have your background....no harm...

    Also if possible let her open up about what are her fears...I guess this whining thing will stop when she actually explains whats her problem...and I guess most of us Indian women know about the dating thing and if a Indian woman is marrying a white man, she should know that this guy may have dated some girls already...

    pls be patient with her for a while...I understand how you might be feeling...its not your fault at all...and what you did before marriage.....is not a sin or major issue...this should never have effect on your current/future life...

    just take time to explain it to her and let her get it out with whats in her heart..
     
  3. nutty000

    nutty000 New IL'ite

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    The important step is firstly you have to truly regret your actions and consciously make a thorough decision that you will never ever get in to similar situations in the future.

    The next step is your wife has to firstly forgive you with all her heart and trust you that no matter what happens you are always there for her. This will take a while but I am sure when you both truly love each other you cannot continue living in sadness and depression otherwise there is no point. Hope she forgives you and you both move ahead for a fresh and positive start.

    God Bless you both....
     
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I didnt understand this.....why will he regret what he did in the past?? that too its part of his culture....for what is he supposed to regret? it sounds really bad....

    I actually appreciate this guy...he is honest with his wife.. and atleast making an effort to fix her reaction...he seems broadminded.....and genuinely interested to stay married to this lady!! isnt that what matters??

    he didnt cheat on her after marrying her....if she has some anxiety or worry over what he may/may not do in future....thats where the grey area is for her...she needs to digest this past of his....basically I guess we Indian women feel we are the whole n sole owners of our husbands :) ofcourse in a good way...but when you come across someone who says yeah I was with that guy...dated him for couple of years...it makes us feel oh gosh she knows more about him than me???? (am just thinking loudly....can this be the issue with OPs wife???)
     
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  5. mookier

    mookier New IL'ite

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    Thank you all for the replies. Yes I was with these other girls atleast 4 years before I met my wife. My wife and I dated for 4 years before we got married. When I met her, I started reading about hinduism and read books like ramayana. I do regret deeply what I did in the past even though it was before marriage. I have never even thought about any other women since I first met my wife 7 years ago. I consider myself a hindu man now in every aspect and love her deeply. I have talked to her and she feels very hurt because she feels like the physical relationships I had with other women before have tainted my soul...maybe it is a cultural thing. She is pregnant with our first baby now and she just pushes me away and shuts me out of her life... she is just very depressed and it hurts me to see her so sad and be the cause of this pain.
     
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  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    aaah come on....can this be the hormones??? during this time most of us women have wild mood swings...blessed are those who didnt have these but many have these feelings of loneyness, sudden bouts of anger, depression, madness and again happy smiling positive etc..etc...

    Just try to be romantic with her for a while...let her shout but tell her just because she shouts you wont go away...you care for her and your baby....tell her this is your family now and you will ensure no matter what...you all will stick around to each other...keep saying that....she just wants to hear it more n more :)

    bring some flowers...take her to a nice movie / restuarant...give some surprise gifts...take her for shopping for the baby...do stuff with her....dont just stay away from her because she is sad/mad....it happens and what happened has happened...you cannot bring it back or make it right!!!

    if you still think its not fixing any of this...ASK her openly what will fix all this....(but pls this is like the last strawww when you tried everything...thats when you ask this question...) and insist she gives an answer.
     
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  7. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with Srividya. Whatever was done, was in the past. Probably you should have mentioned your relationships to her before your wedding. I dont want to typecast Americans, but it is pretty normal for American to have premarital sex and she, as an Indian should have known that. Unless you have cheated her after your wedding,I dont see a reason for her to pull this thing pretty far so as to cause cracks in your marriage. Both of you are losing sleep over something done long long ago! She also is pregnant,so its not a good time to have these fights. Why dont you write a letter with your heartfelt feelings?Valentines day is coming up soon...make it a special one for her!!
     
  8. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Ah ..here is the problem.Pregnancy Harmones drives you crazy.Particularly when she is alone.Now it is your responsibility to make her cheerful and understand her biological changes.She must be fearing that you might stray like quiet a few hubbies out there who freak out while the wife is pregnant.And to top it all, your past must be haunting her.Make her feel she looks more beautiful carrying the baby.Bcoz some women feel that pregnancy makes them look not-so-good.Give her the confidence.Make her understand that she is the most important person in life and with your kid on the way you want her to be happy and will do anything to keep her happy.

    As rosy8282 said, Valentine's day is coming up.Gear up!

    NOTE : Let me warn you , mood swings due to pregnancy harmones are simply unpredicatable and wild.I had some issues with my hubby when I carried my first child but my hubby handled it very well.With every action of his he made me realise that I am the only one for him.
     
  9. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    I don't quite agree with this statement. This may have been true some 25 years ago but now with a changing society it's not true anymore. Yes, most parents may still think premarital sex is immoral but I don't believe most urban kids think so. If you have patience or time, just watch some Indian Hindi movies made in the last few years and you will see they are streamlined to reflect the changing society. Am not saying movies are a bechmark, but if one opens their eyes and see they will see what am talking about. Premarital sex I've very very common these days in urbane Indian cities. Its accepted by many and is not a cultural shock.

    Your wife's behaviour is not just kiddish but also hard to believe. Where did she grow up? And what's really her problem? If she had so many issues with your premarital affairs, why did she marry you? Did you tell her this at the time of marriage or before? Are there any lies involved? I think there are few questions to wonder about.
     
  10. mookier

    mookier New IL'ite

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    I had told my wife about it before marriage..so I was honest with her from the beginning. To her..and me as well now, pre marital sex is just wrong. It is true though that even the hindi movies have it. I have been watching hindi movies lately. She grew up in a city in India but comes from a conservative family. I am sure she married me because she loves me. She still very much loves me, she admits to it and I feel it too. However, she just feels emotionally and spiritually betrayed by me...
     

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