My Marriage - A Bag Of Lies!

Dear Ladies,

The support you lent to all those in distress and confusion is always admirable and I have always loved the clarity of thought many ILites possess here. Now, I would really like to have you advice on the situation I am going through!

To begin with, I got married towards the end of this Jan and I have lived with my husband for 15 days, post which he left to Ireland.

We got engaged 6 months before marriage and he was working in abroad at that time. They said that he will come back in Dec and post marriage he will settle in bangalore. So, I started working towards my transfer to bangalore as I was working in chennai. Post engagement, when I was talking about finding a house in bangalore, he hinted like he might get extension there. Then when I asked whether its confirmed he said no and changed the topic. Then another day, he asked me whether I will get onsite in my company to US. As a matter of fact, my team was ready to process L1 for me but I declined it due to marriage and I told him that. He immediately asked me to accept the offer. When I inquired further I got to know that he is indicating me to travel to US and he vl go back to Ireland if he gets an extension. I clearly told him that I didnt like it. I told him that he might think carrier is more imp, but staying separate immediately post marriage is not advisable and to me building the relationship and family is more a priority than onsite opportunity and though he didnt say that he will take me with him, I told him that if he has to go, I will travel with him. Days went by and he again didnt bring up the topic of settling in bangalore and whenever I ask he will just say that he didnt get any info about extension and give reasons. When it was just one month to marriage, I asked him for definite answers and even then he tried to give reasons. Once he said he likes US, so I told if he is willing to travel in L2 I will ask my company to process L1 to me. He said he will think about it. Then towards end of dec, he told me that he might get an extension., again not a confirmed answer. And he asked me to go to US. I really got irritated and took the matter to my parents. I understood that he is not willing to take me with him, as he never mentioned that he will take me with him even once.

My parents took the matter to their parents and after some talks they told us that he vl come back to Bangalore. Even after that when I spoke to him, he said I dunno whether I vl go back. It really got on my nerves. Its clear that they are saying one thing at a time and changing it the next min. I fought with him and I asked my parents to stop the wedding, as I don’t see any honesty in that person and I was repelled by the lies he was giving me. But, since it was 2 weeks before marriage, they convinced me and my cousins went to meet him and asked him. To them he assured that he will not go back. My cousin even told him that since you weren’t open to her, you broke her trust which is very important in marriage and he arranged for us to meet and he told me that he vl be in Bangalore. After all this, I got married.

Post marriage, in our honeymoon, that too a day before we return (5th day in a 7 day tour), he told me that he has to travel back. He told me that he knew that only 2 days before marriage which I very well know isn’t true (later I also came to know that he left half his cloths and things there in Ireland). I was irritated, but since I got married, I don’t want to again involve others and mess up things. So again patiently I asked him what his plan is then. He told me he will take me; I noticed the reluctance in that answer. I asked him a timeframe. He said 2-3 months. I asked him what if I say no. He said he vl lose his job blah blah and asked me to let him travel. I agreed jus to give him a chance.

Once he went there, he is asking me to check whether I have opening in my company in Ireland office. After that, most of our phone calls became status calls, where I would give status on what all positions I applied and how am following up. On a nutshell, he is not willing to take me without a job there. HE never talks about dependent processing. I don’t have any objections to work. But, he is not even ready to take me there and wait for a few months till I get a job there (he is aware that his colleagues had done that). These were already getting on my nerves and last week when I was simply chatting about some movies and books to him, he suddenly asked whether I would get allowance for working in a weekend. I was terribly irritated. Looks like, he don’t have anything other than money in his mind. Now I lost all my interest in travelling and even living with this person.


Moreover, after 4 days of my marriage he told me that, he don’t like kids. Again, the point here is he don’t like kids, but he don’t object to have one! But for what? For my sake? He speaks as if it’s a sacrifice from his side to have kids. Its repelling!

What should I do?
Thanks for reading and sorry for the lengthy one!

 

@kcb Thanks a lot for taking your time for me! That is the main concern for me as well. He is not trustworthy. Going abroad is another thing. Change of plan happens.. but hiding that for so long is irritating. He hided that till a week before his travel! If he is lying for small things as this, I couldnt bring myself to trust him with my life! We inquired and confirmed that he is working in the so-so company there! Otherthings we couldnt check in a foreign land.

@poovai Thanks for this perception! This doesnt sound familiar, as i dont have many NRI friends. Being in his stand is different. When he is clear what he wants, he would have told that to me earlier.. after all I was asking that for almost 2 months before marriage. When my dad and relatives went to his house to talk things, he himself told that he will be in bangalore and even asked them to look for a house there (all this with a return ticket sitting in his mailbox). So his dishonesty repels me.
Not only that, he is very particular that he should not buy me any thing. He not even brought a chocolate when he came for engagement or for marriage. No engagement gifts or wedding gifts! And in honeymoon, we will walk in a road full of shops, he vl buy stoles and cap for him but will not even ask whether I want something, forget about surprises. Once I stood before a hand crafted handbag shop and checked them, just to see his reaction. He didnt even ask me to buy if I like something. HE just said are you buying? I didnt! I insisted on buying gifts for both parents and his brother, but we didnt get anything good for his brother. He reminded me abt that in airport and we bought him a t-shirt and I bought this person one as well. When we came out, as we were walking i was just looking at the handbags in the open stands. I really had no intention of buying and by then I didnt even expect this person to buy me one. But he said, the bag u are having is itself nice. What irritated me is , so he knows! But very particular that he shldnt buy anything. When he was about to travel back he is giving his brother a box of chocolate which he bought when he was coming to the wedding. That too, in front of me, so is he indicating me to get used to this?
But he talks all sweet talks, that irritates me even more. There is no single hope or good thing to stick on to this person! So anyone can marry a woman giving her a bag of lies and will not even be ready to take the consequences of the lies you said and the woman should adjust to save the marriage? Just coz she is a woman? just for the knot tied around her neck? just so that he will do a sacrifice and give me a child?

Pls dont misunderstand this reply as a disagreement to your opinion dear Poovai! These are the things and questions itching my mind from the beginning!

 

Though its bitter, I understand that what you have said is true!
As for the next step, I have decided not to travel to Ireland, even if I get a transfer there. I am planning to move to bangalore (my team is moving there, which is good as I need not face a lot of acquaintances who will question about my marriage). Thanks for your suggestion and support!!