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My Loving Husband Turned Evil

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by daisy1234, Apr 2, 2018.

  1. daisy1234

    daisy1234 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I need your help desperately to set my life straight. Little about my life. I am married for 10 years with kids . Initial years of married life was too rosy and colorful. He was the best DH I could hope for. He married me for what I am - Very well educated, highly career oriented and good looking! People around us literally envied us for the love we had on each other. His close families were not happy with any of this, the way he showered love on me and took care of every need. But he never cared about them and always supported me whenever inlaws raise any issues.

    Things turned upside down, when I had my first child . I went through hard delivery and immediately after that, I had high depression but he never listened nor acknowledged my depression. Life went on and I was still working and put my baby in daycare and struggled hard to juggle between career and kid and no support from husband. Yes his mom came for the delivery and may be that was one of the reason. We had lot of fights in every phase of my childs life and even after quitting my job, our life was not the same anymore after the baby but I had lot of hopes in my marriage. He was not the worst dad but I can see he is being influenced by someone.

    My dh shared all the house hold work and started resenting me for doing it now. He started to expect me to make fresh meals, keep the house super clean and wake up early and do chores and do all the things . I was with a small kid and was not entirely happy doing it. I am the person who will do anything for love but not when someone demands me. I stayed as a house wife for the first time in all these years and I couldn't manage everything in one go and this caused lot of fights. This is the period I realized he started having a notion that he gave me so much freedom to do things I wanted but that puts him in a back burner.

    I somehow managed to do everything and bring harmony back to my life. DH is back to his old state. He likes the kids but I wouldn't say he loves to do chores for them. I don't know expecting the father to take care of the kid is the worst thing. I am not a super woman to manage it all and I have tried explaining so many times to him. He will be normal for few days and be an extra caring dad/husband but he will go back to that guy who taunts for each and everything around me.

    I dont look forward for vacations anymore. He taunts me every chance he gets, even if I am late for few mins in getting ready to go out with a new born. He will be very happy when I don't talk or ask him for any help and do everything around the house on my own. But I will be able to do this for few weeks and when kids get sick, I will need him more during that time and he will not lift his finger. He started showing this passive aggressive behavior and I have to surrender myself to get him out of this mind set. I am constantly tired of this behavior and cannot understand this guy. For outsiders or to my family, he is the best happy and cheerful guy. Also I know him that way but as days goes he is changing evil. He is bringing some trivial issues and starting a fight. I don't know where I am going wrong.

    Positives about him - No affair, never touched my hard earned money, never cared about my shopping and spending, treats my family very well and take an extra step in meeting their needs/gifts, never bad mouthed about me to anyone especially not to his parents, loves me/kids and will go any extent for us.

    He wants me to be a devoted wife and takes care of kids/house without his help. Is this normal? If not, it blows him away and we get into nasty fight after that cos I couldn't let go of certain things as well. Please help me to understand.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 7, 2018
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  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    First of all hugs to you. I know it can be a rude shock. i don't have much suggestion but I can tell you what to avoid .nothing to criticise you just to help protect your marriage from negative influences.its based on many assumptions so don't get offended , further posts from you can bring more clarity .

    Your first mistake ...you mentioned you supported your co sis and always took her side . She is your inlaw so you should have been stayed aloof from their issues . Now in retaliation he or his mother interfering in your life and probably they are the culprits as you have indicated .

    Next don't take anything for granted . You unnecessarily bothered about co sis life so you invited all this trouble . Aso If constantly your DH is bombarded with this image of his so called lucky brother being served by his wife like king, it may arise jealousy in your husband .
    Better you should have reduced regular interaction with a couple and instead spend more time with your friends who are more liberal and a better influence .

    Third you said people envied your love as a couple. we should not portray it too much to the world . There are many miserable elements out there who will try and spoil it for their own insecurity . You mentioned many positive things like what he does for your family fulfilling their needs / gifts.thesw things definitely cause resentment in in-laws that's their nature. Either you don't share with them or else try to buy gifts from your salary instead of from husband .

    You have mentioned your husband never touched your hard earned money . Not sure ..do you mean you just save all your salary .If you are working but not paying fair share of household expenses and joint purvhasrs , and still husband doing household chores with you , and fulfilling your parents ' needs and gifts, then sooner or later it will cause resentment .be fair and be careful never take for granted anything .if you have perfect husband show him appreciation by reducing his burden . Marriage takes lot of hard work so don't get disheartened by temporary setbacks . Hope you get back your perfect husband through patience .
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
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  3. daisy1234

    daisy1234 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you so much @nakshatra1 for responding to me. Yes you depicted exactly what he is going through. He has mentioned many a times that his bro is treated like a king. His male ego before his family stops him from doing stuff for me and my kids and he wants to portray a different person before them. He hurts me more especially when we are gathered as a family and he ill treats me for no reason just to get some browny points from others. I couldn't let go of that hurt even if he gets back to normalcy. That in turn angers him and our fights drifts us apart. I was expecting this to change but when I look back, it all started since the first one born and she is 5 now and I dont know how long do I have patience to wait.

    Yes, we stayed away from his brother's family due to some minor family issues for 2 years after my first turned 2 and things were ok until I had my second child. Again Mil came for delivery and brothers patched up and now everything has gone downhill again. I want my kids to grow with cousins around especially being in foreign land since I was a pampered kid by my extended family back in India and I want my kids to enjoy the same love and warmth. This is the main reason why I let families come over and stay at my place and we travel to their place too. I want him to understand our stand in this relationship instead of blaming it on others.

    With my savings, I got some property back home and the rest is in the bank account. He is the guy who doesn't expect me to work and bring home money. I don't have any issues using that money for his need and will not care if he uses it anytime he wants. Its just that we don't feel the need to use it right now. But I am sure that has nothing to do with my current situation. We dont have your money/my money rule in my house and I am 100% sure money is the least thing he cares about me cos he knows very well what I am capable of career wise and am the first woman in both side of the family to have a grad degree in US and to have ever worked here.

    People envied cos he is very outward in expressing his love towards me before and after marriage. Although its arranged, people did not believe it. I know evil eyes play a big role in life. If we go one step up, evil eyes/jealousiness push us down. Many tragic events happened in our life too ( 2 Major accidents, worst miscarriage, and so many ) but we both constantly managed to survive it with each other's support and care.

    Now when I see that, there are couple who seasoned well to each other's need after spending 10 years of life together, we are moving poles apart as days go. I was hoping, this could be 5 year itch, 7th year itch but looks like its not. I called him for counseling umpteen times but he is very adamant. He hates to disclose his life to any outsiders and he doesn't even want to resolve it with me by talking it out. Because we both are head strong and our arguments and fights get so nasty. He wants me to change completely which I am finding it hard.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    This is how it potentially played out
    Husband: I am so lucky to be married to shakee
    BIL: are you kidding me, Susheela makes perfect round rotis, awesome Chole and cleans while I make a dent on our leather couch with my warm a**
    What do you do ?
    Husband: I just changed diapers , helped with dishes , made triangle roti’s and ....
    BIL: Hahaha who is lucky ? Definitely not husband of shakee

    MIL : Beta Ramesh, suresh is so lucky. Susheela is such a Susheel bahoo and biwi. The only time suresh has to move anything is to chew the food she cooks.

    Shakee’s husband: damn, I got the short end of the stick. Now got to make shakee into susheela!

    Really Sorry for what you are going through. But agree with Nakshatra here. suresh and susheela should handle their own problems. Try to limit interactions with suresh . He’s the bad apple. Keep him away.

    No woman should touch her husband’s feet for forgiveness . Don’t stroke his male ego, it’s rearing its head anyways.
    I would give him the silent treatment , hire help, manage without him. Have fun with the kids. Don’t get into fights. Let him be the third wheel. He will eventually come around. Please take care.
     
  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your DH attitude towards spending wife money shows his traditional outlook and sooner or later it came out.

    I feel the fair thing to do for a couple is either both take financial burden equally and household chores equally . Or if the husband is taking all financial burden then wife can do her equal share by taking major burden of household chores . You can't have it both ways it's an unfair arrangement you have that inspite of financial independence you depend on him to fultil your parents needs and gifts. Sooner or later either the DH realises or his FOO will surely make him realise .

    You worked so hard in career what's the point if you are not utilising the financial independence to earn more power at home by sharing the financial burden of household expenses . Your savings will surely help in future but better utilise it in more illustrative ways now . Atleast don't have him buy gifs or fulfil your parents needs but do it from your salary / savings. Slowly you will get confidence to ask him to share household and childcare chores equally .
    I don't mean you should do everything yourself if you are a housewife , I'm just saying that you help him in the financial burden as you do have the money , and he will help you equally sharing house chores. That is possible if you shun the traditional notion that wife's salary should not be used for running the house. I mentioned this as you have mentioned that in the past ,your career as a hindrance to doing housetasks properly. Unless your career makes a demonstrable contribution to the household he will not have any sympathy or understanding of the situation.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
  6. daisy1234

    daisy1234 Silver IL'ite

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    I am sorry @nakshatra1 . Guess I am not explaining myself right. I don't have an iota of interest on the money and the money has no value to me before my husband. I am not sure what financial burden you are talking about and by Gods grace we never have to empty our saving bucket. I have zero notion when it comes to finance. I leave everything to his decision and we decided my money will be kept for kids. We manage all our accounts equally and we are both transparent when it comes to financial matters and all the accounts are on both of our names. We both decided certain saving accounts are needed for our day to day expenditure and some are kept for future/emergency use mainly for my kids education. The property is on my kids name too. I again insist our fight is never based on money. I never dependent on him since the marriage. I worked before and after marriage and saved enough to pay for my masters degree with the scholarships and resident fee. When I say, he does everything for my people or his people when it comes to gifts, its typical gifts whenever we visit India or when they visit US. When I said, he never touched my hard earned money - I made that point to show that he is not a typical guy who wants me to work and bring money for him. His bro pushes his wife after 10 years to work and earn money which is never the case on my side. There is no push for me to do it. I did it cos I was doing it even before he came into my life. That money is for the kids and we are both clear on it as I said there was not a need to use it yet. If you think spending all that money will give me back my husband, I will do it in a heartbeat. Not sounding filmy, I know I can earn them back in future and I quit my jobs each time after kids to nurture them well and he completely supported my decision.
     
  7. daisy1234

    daisy1234 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you @Sandycandy. I was thinking I should alone go for marriage counseling to help me understand and correct myself and take care of my PPD. Before that I want to venture into Indusladies and I bow you ladies for being such an emotional support for people like me staying away from their families.

    I may look strong outside but I am emotionally so weak. I was a wreck last night after crying for so many hours and decided to post here. I don't have any friends currently since we moved to a new place and I know his nature, he hates me sharing anything to known people. He is a firm believer of keeping things with in 4 walls and I cannot take a risk explaining to anyone except you ladies.

    Shakee’s husband: damn, I got the short end of the stick. Now got to make shakee into susheela!

    This is exactly what he is thinking and I don't know how to change the mind. I am not Susheela. Period! I am trying my max to do everything on my own and we hardly eat outside (may be once a month) after kids cos I am very specific about their eating habits. Cooking is all me and he can hardly break an egg when it comes to cooking.
    I did silent treatment and that actually didnt bother him at all. I have read @Rakhii post how she got back her life after the baby and I literally followed everything she mentioned in the post. Chanting, exercising, having fun with kids and he did come back to me but it lasted only for a while. We had a long weekend and he changed overnight after the guests came home. He was yelling at me for very petty things and intentionally wanted to hurt before others. Immed after they left, he was trying to coax and act normal immed and thats when I couldn't let go. If I could forget what happened last two days where he never talked once in a normal tone other than for yelling or demanding n treated me like I don't exist and if I had a smile on my face and acted normal, I wouldn't be typing this here. Instead I confronted him and asked what went wrong and why did he behave like a stranger to me even after requesting him many a times to not do it in front of others and that turned into an ugly fight. I don't know how many days we gonna go without talking.

    @Rakhii if you are reading this, I loved your posts and how you handled your marital issues and I would love if you could respond to me. You have explained better than me and my situation is exactly like yours. I have reread your post 100s of times whenever I felt low.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
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  8. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    Couldn’t agree more than what is advised here :
    1. Hire help daily basis or alternate days : depending on where in US , you can get some cheap student or Mexican or indian lady help for $10 per hr ... call them 2 hrs everyday ... it’s head to find at
    Places but not impossible .. ask around , put ads etc
    2. Plan ahead : make masalas and freeze , use paper plates for yourselves and kids and just trash them, clean one room everyday and clean immediately .. dnt let the mess happen

    Plan for groceries and cooking in advance : eg if daal and sabzi on menu today .. cook
    Masala one day For like 8-10 dishes cut Shazia in advance make atta in bulk etc

    3. Ignore him big time .. give him food etc and not exert anything .. do not loose your dignity
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP,
    Look like you have done everything in your capacity to change him.
    It is very difficult to manage everything when you have kids. If he is not changing, you can try changing yourself.

    I have faced similar demands on cleanness from my dh. It was tough for me to wipe kitchen floor every day (he dont like even dust) with two small kids, full time job etc.. He was expecting me to behave me like his mom as a cleanness freak. But she has maids. I don't have anyone in US. In the beginning I used to reply and take effort(I also like a clean house, but first priority is kids . I will be so tired by the time I reach home. In addition, cooking, feeding, taking care of baby, sleepness nights etc). But it all ended up it lot of fights and silent treatments.

    Then one day I told him, I am not his mom. (in your case it is susheela). I dont want to be his mom. He has to accept it. I am doing everything I can. This is what I can do. If he thinks he can do a better job, He can clean the house. Later on, I completely ignored him (even if he mention it or talk loudly) I just walk away. I wont respond or acknowledge. If he utters anything on it like this next two days I will not wash any utensils. It will be in the sink (dishwasher is there to help afterwards) . Also stop cleaning house. He finally stopped it. I also told him that I am not a servant or doormat. I am his life partner. Treat me like that . Only then he get the same respect back. ( I am also like you. I do everything out of love , but if someone demands me to do , I wont do it. ).

    Also when he is not in home I do other things or enjoy with kids. Do the household job only when he is in home so that he can see I am busy and doing everything. Men are visual it look like. If I need his help I will ask without any hesitation.

    Try to ignore his unrealistic demands and enjoy with kids. Do whatever you can do. Rest ignore. Be happy in your own world. He will come around. Be confident and stick with your principles. You dint have bend too much to boost his ego. If he wants you as wife he has to accept it.

    If he is calm and if you guys are in relaxed & happy mode, then remind him those happy days. Also, how his recent outbursts are affecting you and distancing you from him. Tell him that you are sad. Also tell him you adore his old version of caring husband and dont like him to be a couch potato like his BIL.

    If you think a maid can help, hire one.

    Be positive and strong.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
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  10. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Give me some time. I will write to you.
     

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