my life widout him

My dear friend,

HAVE A free talk with your son generally. Slowly try to make him understand what is Real life without career
Career only can build and mould a person how best they can bring to the society and to their personal life.
Do not worry. You start doing POOJA with the God or Goddess whom you always pray in any difficult situation
Surely your son will come out with flying colours. NOW A DAYS CHILDREN NEEDS MORE TIME TO THINK ABOUT THEIR FUTURE. All the best. Do not loose your Heart. GOD is always with you.

 

This age is such that children dont listen to parents anymore. Dont feel bad that this happened because your husband is not with you. This can and is happening to kids even if the parents are together. What example did his father set for him? In fact your son will say "If Dad can do it,I have all the rights to do it". So dont think that you did any mistake.
Secondly,you say your son is not studying properly. Is he staying in a hostel? If so,sit with him and explain the situation. Tell him that you are alone and need his support. You need him to not just get his degree,but with flying colours. You need honours because that is the demand of the day for anything..campus selection,further studies etc. And that,you cannot afford him having a mediocre life..all with your struggle.
Also that you are not opposing the marriage,just that you want his focus. Follow up on his marks and see how he is doing. His midterms will kind of indicate how he is doing.
If he still does not listen,try speaking to the girl. Dont scare her..just tell her that you speaking as a mother.I understand what you feel,but dont feel guilty.None of this happened because of your separation. Cheer up.

 

call both your son and his gf and have a talk with them.tell them clearly what you want from your son and what you want his life goal/career to be.involve that girl also in moulding him.guys listen more to their gf at this age than parents.

 

I guess when you say a big NO they tend to resent the NO and want to do exactly the opp of what you want.

Does he know why his father is not living with you guys? why are you separated etc?

Just on another angle, I have seen men/women who came from dysfunctional marriages leading a successful life and a happy marriage...(not that they always end up in miserable life/marriage)...may be suggest that he having a girl friend is not hte problem, but if things go beyond his control and after he establishes his career and starts working, he may look at life in a diff. way and at that time he may/may not want to reconsider the person he wants to marry..and so its always good to give time for a relationship and let the girl also study and have a career for herself..

Last but not least...these days having a girl friend/boy friend has become like a status symbol for many youngsters...to fit into the crowd you got tohave one kind of behaviour!!! he is not talking about running away or gettin gmarried right?? so just relax and do not push too much that in future he maynot want to share about the girl he is with.

coming to what would happen if his father was around?? so are you saying that fathers could have done better?? yeah as a man he can share hsi perspective with his son..but finally no one can stop your son from doing what he wants to do...the morepressure you put, the more rebellious they get...to top it ..he is not a kid too to discipline him.loving a girl is not wrong. pls convey that to him and pls do not worry about that...also he is bringing the girl to your home openly...that also shows that he is pretty open with what he is doing. (what will you do if he goes to the girls room or takes her some where...nothin!!! right??) so there are some good things that he beleives in...as far as the rest is concerned...to convey your point..first accept his love...accept the girl...meet with her..invite her over for festivals or lunch/dinner..that way atleast you would know what these 2 are upto.

 

You need to stop thinking that you have to be alone for the rest of life. Things are changing in India and there is no reason you cannot remarry. There are widowers and business men that find themselves alone so a possible mate is out there. Once you realize that you have options your mood will lighten.

 

Anu,

Welcome to IL. I can understand your tension, your insecurity.

there are two issues in your post.

1. not being able to live without him..and i am taking him to be your son rather than your husband. remember, you cannot expect your child to do things for you, but if they do it is ok. you can go out, pick up some new courses, new hobbies, keep yourself engaged, if you are not working. just because your experiences were bitter, it does not mean your child will also have the same.

2. coming to the other part, your son's first love. I would like to assume it as a friendship, rather than first love. but since you feel so, let us look at it as first love. your son should be 18+, he is still a teenager, coming from a dysfunctional background. i appreciate his bringing the girl home rather than going and staying with her in her room.. the parents of the girl not objecting could be because they trust their girl as well as your son more than you do..let us not be judgemental..sometimes, what a third person can see, maynot be seen by the parent because of our worries, our responsiblity.

next time, you can ask him to bring her to lunch. show your trust, talk to both of them. that they are just taking baby steps towards life. and you don't want them to be distracted. you understand both their feelings, and if it is more than friendship, you expect them to be more stronger, and responsible, and that you are talking from your experience. that they should finish their college studies, stand on their legs, both financially and emotionally before taking any big step. when the girl's parents' come visiting her, ask them over. so that you can all be in the loop. you can understand the girl and her family.

Last but not least, do not point out that he is not listening because his father is not around. you never know, what that man-child at 18 thinks..there are situations where the kids think they could also be the reasons for the parent's separation. so do not add on to that saying that he is not listening because of this reason. remember, reaching out to him, takes effort.

It is a generalised statement that today's kids do not listen. they do listen, only sometimes, we adults do not want to listen to what is being said, or what is not being said. they go through more pressure, stress than what we had as kids. they think more, analyse more than what we would expect of them. let us look at the positivity rather than the negativity.

i am sure your son is responsible. i believe that this girl could be the anchor he is holding on to in the traumatic period..sometimes, it does happen..you can relate and appreciate somebody more, during a testing time...


Do not press the panic button and lose the respect, your son must have for you. sometimes patience, understanding and looking from your son's angle and then talking to him helps..

all the best..

 

Dear OP,
Please send your son /kids to your husband for vacations ,it will be a lesson for both father and son.
One should never cut the father -kids relationship as parenting becomes lopsided , the H/Father is let off to enjoy his new life with no responsibilty of his kids.
The wife/mother suffers all the problems alone and the H has a gala time with his new family. If things get bad and he is contacted he will turn back and point fingers at ex -wife for spoiling kids and call her a bad mother!
A divorce happens between a husband and wife not between father and kids.
Let H have fun solving the parenting problems too along with keeping his new family happy. Kids continue to have all rights to visit or stay with father.
Never make the mistake of cutting of all relationship with errant H , let him take care of his grown-up son . This way the son will also get guidance from his father.
The new wife will also get to mother her beloveds grown- up kids!! Harhar

 

Firstly your worry that your son's career is getting spoiled due to his friendship with a girl is no doubt a valid concern. But from the boy's point of view, it looks interference in his life. So, the boy needs to be educated about the importance of education and settling in a career before falling in love with a girl.

You can also explain the critical position you are in and the necessity of support from your son and daughter.

Closely observe the day to day activities of your son and find out his friend circle and hangout places. And how his education is going on. You can also talk to girl and explain your concerns about your son's attitude towards education and your aspirations for him in life. The girl will be definitely a good help in making your son realise the mistake he is doing.

Take the help of close relatives, family friends in making your son understand the broader perspective in setting the priorities correct.

Also see whether you can educate your son about his responsiblities towards his younger sister. How you are worried about your daughter's education and future. If required the financial aspects can also be discussed with your children and ensure that they are aware of their responsibilities in life and how badly you need their support in making them realise their dreams.

You also plan your future life in coolness and with determination. You foresee your life 10 years down the line and see what actions are needed to reach your dreams.

Best of luck.

 

Hello

You need to be stronger. Being a single parent esp to teenage, grownup kids is very difficult. You would need to be patient and practical with them. Also dont give up, this is just a tough phase. Try to get breaks when you can, some place where you get to unwind and do what you like. Maybe try to meet other single parents, some support group. hope this helps

All the best !