1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

My In-laws Didn't Bought Me Any Cloths Before Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nehakapil78, Dec 3, 2016.

  1. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,800
    Likes Received:
    2,318
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    1. if the attitude is whatever you like buy and wear to the wedding or any other function - is good

    2. You have to wear whatever I buy you like it or not - (recently my MIL started thinking/doing dils should wear what she buys for a function and she makes sure that we don't wear better than hers) - very arrogant and egostic from their side

    3. We need to get stuff for DIL as per customs, so let her take her opinion or take her too to shopping while buying that wedding saree/dress - very good

    4. If they are getting some stuff but not insisting you to wear on what day, is it OK - ignore.
    You also give same quality back to them when time comes

    5. if they are not buying you stuff but asking stuff about what you have to give to them - cheap

    6. If they are not asking anything and not talking about what they will give, - very very good

    7. only talking about where to do wedding , how many guests, how to share expenses, and where our children will live, where they go for honey moon - excellent
     
  2. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,188
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Ah but we dont seem to have any trouble wishing to make changes where it benefits us the most... nuclear family/PIL sharing wedding costs....the list was rather long when I peeked in last.
    Neither is it fair to expect a guy marrying under such circumstances to interfere in what is traditionally considered a womans forte...shopping for the bride.
    People come as complete packages. Cherry picking of attributes in people is great in a romantic novel but rarely happens in real life.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Many changes are desirable and needed in weddings and marriages, both from girl's side and boy's side. All these cannot happen in one wedding or even one generation. I don't think it is fair to expect one man or one woman in their wedding to take all the high roads or to lump on them the burden of all changes needed in weddings or married lives.

    What we discuss here when we compile the wish-list of changes needed in weddings/marriages (like yellowmango's thread), those are changes we are talking about as applicable to the whole society or men and women in general. Not all those changes (less expense marriage, no upperhand for boy's side, old parents live with couple after few years, no interference in young couple's lives, man and woman foot their wedding bill...) will happen in each wedding or each married life. Each wedding, each life will bring about some change, and with time, the changes will become a lifestyle.

    KF's progress-report style grade awarding post : ) sums up the dress conundrum well.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2016
    Lakshmi6197 likes this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    If bruised234's personal story is irrelevant to this topic and should be left aside, then, the whole thing about "how to bring a social change" is not relevant to OP's personal story/situation.
     
  5. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,354
    Likes Received:
    2,670
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    @sbgv, i have read your other thread My Mom's lost jewellery , in which you mentioned that your mother regret the decision of not giving you anything as gift in marriage as you married against her wish. So it was her anger behind not gifting anything.Now she wants to give you her jewellery to compensate.


    Thats my point if you value enough anybody, and if you have money then not gifting or gifting cheaply is not normal, it tells something, there is a reason behind it.
    I believe you MIL must have understood the anger behind not gifting you anything, but she just said those things to hurt you. She might be feeling angry too because of her son marrying against her wish.

    I also belong to north, delhi side, and my experience with northern marriages tells that such in-laws are normally cheap, squeezing type people, normally they dont give much importance to DILs , hence dont consider spending on them.(not talking about people who are not good financially.). As many other posters also told that it indicate many more things.

    First of all , dowry and normal gifts are not same, bride side also gift clothes to groom as par their capacity, that doesnt come under dowry at all by any definition(legally, socially, religiously, morally). If bride father suited booted himself, present a cheap cotton kurta to groom, its again cheapness...but in reality it doesnt happen, people buy very good clothes for groom to make him happy, and decent people do it for bride too. If person is not financially well to do, than its a different matter.

    Its not double standard mentality at all, op is not talking about loads of gold jewellery, but she is just saying about clothes, her marriage is normal traditional arrange marriage, she must be looking at her husband and in-laws as her future family. seeing cheap clothes bought for her by her future family can break anybody's heart, let me assure you if groom is supposed to go to bride family after marriage , then it will break his heart too.

    Yes, why to expect gifts at all from any of the parents?? why to squander money on marriage party so much?? but then people can go for marriage in court or in temple, with 4-5 people present. These things wont work if people want marriage in traditional way. At one side all people want marriage on full swing, then on the other side, groom side people are penny pinching on bride's clothes, this doesnt give a decent image of them. if they dont want to spend money then they should say that we are against of squandering money on marriage rituals and lets do marriage in a simple way, this is decent. But i bet they must be enjoying gifts from bride's side, while clearly getting away with the traditions where they have to give.
     
    Lakshmi6197 and Rihana like this.
  6. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,006
    Likes Received:
    1,750
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    This may not be directly related to the OP, maybe a part of it may help.

    When a woman says she wants equality in marriages, men see/hear it as such. But her actions differ from what she said. This is the fundamental problem. The hidden meaning such women imply when they say equality is special financial/emotional treatment from the men around her which extends to her in-laws after she is married.

    A girl can say no to dowry/gifts/any sort of expenses however the guy must tend to all of her expectations, must put up with all her buying/spending needs and wants.

    Even if we leave marriages and in-laws out of this scenario, just when a girl and guy date the unsaid rule is that the guy spends on her. This happens even when the girl has the same spending capacity as the guy.

    A girl can be loud about not giving money but she can pick a man of her choice based on his bank balance, his assets and his NRI status. She is just trying to secure her future, she cannot blamed?

    Its ok for a girl to think a guy is secure based on the wealth and social status he accumulated. If the guy does the same to her, it means he is not considering her for what she is and is only curious about her wealth.

    Yes, there are severe cases where divorce and alimony is the only way out. But there is a large proportion of women who misuse this to get payment for their lifetime even if they are in well-paid jobs. Some even use the children from their marriage as an excuse to get money.

    If , lets just assume, if parents take a step back, even then the basic needs and wants a girl and a guy have from each other are the same. Current day marriages are slowly taking a 180 degree shift to women using marriage as a show of power. Unless the focus shifts on balancing the scales, such problems will always exist.
     
    SGBV and justanothergirl like this.
  7. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,006
    Likes Received:
    1,750
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Maybe OP should give more pointers. She is looking at everything as isolated incidents. A little bit more on how her in-laws are, how her fiance is, how they treat her, how their relationship with her parents is, why they chose this match and so on. Even if they met or interacted for a very short time, those things will help.

    IMO, making a decision to call off a wedding based on a suit is not ideal. It definitely raises a red flag, but there may be other factors she could consider and look at the bigger picture before making a decision. :cool:
     
  8. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,188
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you thank you thank you .. @Sparkle !
     
    SGBV and Sparkle like this.
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Where do you get this conclusion from? Observation in friends, family, community and media?

    There are such girls, just as there are boys who expect to be treated like Gods.

    Two decades ago, I didn't have this expectation. I see young girls and boys now getting married who spend more or less equally when they go out and on the wedding. Yes, there are girls who expect the boy only to spend, and boys who find it insulting if the girl insists on spending.

    If the match is arranged rather than 'fall inlove', both sides are well advised to marry into similar status family, and do some inquiry about current finances and responsibilities of boy, girl, and their families.

    Money and financial status of the girl's or boy's family is a big factor when deciding on an alliance, and it should be.

    Again, there are women who misuse the system, and there are men who are deadbeat.

    I don't know where you get this conclusion from - women using marriage as a show of power. I am seeing more and more love marriages, or girls waiting till late 20's to find a good match, and boy and girl having more say in marriage. Parents or girl/boy who misuse marriage as a show of power are there everywhere.
     
  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,188
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    The same place as people who opine on men and PIL
    Good..so something we all can agree on…
    so while we are cutting slack and making sweeping generalizations about what should be done..lets make sure we cut the same slack to all ...fair and square .girls boys parents PIL.
    It need not be. If it is and you let it be...dont cry foul when u see it is a big part of ur marriage That is a choice u make.
    Same place where people seem to assume that an inexpensive gift is an indication of PIL who are cheap and manipulative and a foreboding of bad things to come,
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2016
    SGBV and Sparkle like this.

Share This Page