1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

My husband treats me like a maid and does not respect me. Please help..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by swarupajoshi, Apr 11, 2014.

  1. swarupajoshi

    swarupajoshi New IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Married for past 2 yrs working in IT and now 7th month pregnant.

    Yesterday I came to know how innocent I am from past 2 yrs and how my MIL and husband took its advantage and treat me like a maid.

    By mistake my husband forgot to signout from his facebook.
    When he had gone to office, I happened to see his laptop and I saw 5-6 chat msgs related to me with his past lady colleague(frnd).

    Some msgs that he wrote about me to her are:
    1)
    :bang She is not my wife but a maid
    2) I get all work done from her
    3) What I talk she listens to me everything
    4) She has lot of fears about me
    5) She is not beautiful, but is caring
    6) He go to beaches, not to see beaches but to see other girls


    I am very calm and quiet and obeyed all their orders right from marriage day.

    Some incidents I want to tell:

    1) If he has eaten food, he will tell in front of his mom to me to pick up his plate and wipe that part of floor. :cry:

    2) Once my parents came to home for puja function.MIL shouted on me in front of my parents, from kitchen to wash tea cups.

    3) Once his cousin had come our house and MIL ordered me to make breakfast and she herself sat with them talking
    She told to pick up and bring plates in front of his cousin
    and I obeyed like a mad girl.

    4) Once we had decided to go together with MIL to my cousin's home to attend ganpati festival.
    I changed my plan and I told to my husband and MIL that I'l attend my cousin's ganpati festival in morning also and told them to come their directly in evening.
    I gone alone.
    They did not come.
    In turn when I returned back, my husband shouted on me in front of his mom. I told let's call ur father to sort this issue.
    His father lives in different place for office work.
    Then MIL came to my room and shouted, if I spoke a word against her or try to inform FIL there will be very bad consequences and no one will be as bad as her.

    I don't feel they should be such angry on me because of this small issue.

    In turn now he shows that he cares and loves me because I am pregnant
    .

    Now I feel how wrong, I was to choose this guy for marriage.
    My father had told me not to marry this guy, but due to my fatness I took this risk.
    I feel like I live in a prison in husband's house


    Prior to pregnancy I had faced many quarrels with him and his mom.

    Some major quarrels, which I had mentioned in my past threads which I can't remove from my heart because of which I am under stress and hurt a lot:

    I) With husband
    My husband(momma's boy and shares everything with his mom)

    1) once my husband had said that he won't allow me to enter his house as I stayed 1 extra day at my parents house without his permission. Now also he says that because his parents insisted he allowed me
    to come home and because of them I am staying in his house.
    He and his parents are short tempered and like to quarrel even for small issues with me.
    In all above quarrels I strongly feel its MIL who makes my husband to quarrel with me.
    In turn husband says its only my and my parents fault which leads to quarrels.



    I) With MIL

    Many times MIL had said:
    1) In our culture ladies do not talk with their's daughter's FIL on phone. My mother keeps calling FIL
    for propert discussions. Here, she is pointing to my mother's character.
    I am very hurt because of this.
    2) She says because of she doing all household work, I can do job.
    She says I am living on her life to do my job.
    In fact I do every thing possible from cooking in her house. I had told many times to keep a cook
    but she does not listen. On weekends she used to sit reading newspapers and I used to work like a maid.
    3) She orders me like a maid to do house cleaning.
    She says I do not do extra household work.
    In turn my husband had said to MIL its her right to order me to do household chores





    Please refer my below past threads
    1) http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/245953-troubled-fed-up-my-marriage.html

    2) http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/236210-please-help-my-life-my.html
    I want to live a good life and not a slavers life. I had cried many times in office because of these incidents.
    I am living with him because it was my decision to marry him. :bang
    I do not want to hurt my parents and little sister because of my mistake..

    Please help me so that this things will not continue with me post baby birth.
    Please suggest me how to live with this person and his mom. :drowning
    And atleast my baby should enjoy his/her life in future.

    Please help.
     
    Loading...

  2. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    665
    Likes Received:
    798
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    First of all, take a deep breath.
    You are 7 months pregnant now and its not good to have all these thoughts hammering your head..its hard to be at peace but please try...i have been in same boat(worst thing..was on bed rest and hence had to be with MIL 24/7).
    Just postpone all these musing until the baby is atleast 6 months old. Believe me, next months are going to be hectic with lack of sleep,feeding, body healing, etc.

    Next thing, most of the above mentioned things happen in many houses, so its not related to you being fat or that its your choice of guy. If not these issues, then some other issues are there. But your husband telling another female about you is def not good. For this, I would say, try to look good and be presentable. Guys are guys. They look out for good looking and hot girls. So, we have to look good to keep them away from ogling at others.

    For rest of the issues, even I want to seek other ILites answers
     
    2 people like this.
  3. mcutiepie

    mcutiepie Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    193
    Likes Received:
    286
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP,

    Doing own household tasks is never working like a maid. If your husband and MIL is taking it that way, they have very small mentality and needs to be improved.

    Also, in many families, H and ILs try to control the poor girl by shouting over small issues and giving orders. It then depends upon gal to a good extent, how she takes it, whether she keeps on following or come forward & speak for own respect. Even many guys try to warn their wives on small issues as you mentioned for an extra day at your mother's place, then you need to be more self confident and don't panic on such warnings by them. Rather earn your value. If he starts behaving too pricey at times, starts ignoring him for few days. Don't blindly follow whatever he says or politely ask him too for few favors.

    If your hubby or MIL asks you to cook or clean even in front of someones, if asked politely i dont see a harm in that, but if they are shouting everytime, you need to discuss with them or atleast with your husband. You can start asking your husband to help in small chores of work or let him do small things by his own. You would have to make him understand you are also working and being pregnant, needs some rest and help.

    If your MIL is taking good care of household chores over weekdays and expecting you to take charge weekends, this is a very common approach by most of MILs. Infact my MIL is like that, and I am like when she can take care of things for 5 days, I also have some responsibility towards home and family, after all this is my house too.
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2014
    1 person likes this.
  4. HeartHealer

    HeartHealer Guest

    Hi swarupajoshi,

    First and the foremost, since you're 7 months pregnant, it's time for you to start taking care of yourself and refrain from taking mental stress. Take care of your health and try not to worry about your MIL's or your husband's behavior towards you. This mental stress can affect your health at this stage deeply.

    Secondly, whatever you have written above is a very common issue. The only way out of it is to do a fraction of what is told to you. You're mature enough to judge and understand what's right and wrong for you. You're married and now pregnant, nothing wrong can happen now. Try to trust yourself, first.

    Also, the point where you have mentioned that you're bit obese and which is why you kept on listening and obeying to your MIL, I would like to tell you, you're wrong on this. What matters is not the looks but your attitude towards yourself and life. For instance, you will find many dark complexion females around you, but many of them are successful than men.

    We all have short-comings within us. Nobody is perfect. But it's got nothing to do with how good a person you're. Similarly, if you'll allow your short-comings to rule over you, you'll never be able to emerge out as a confident person. So, what if you're a bit obese, your husband is not perfect at all. What still makes you better than him is your nature and character, which is pure. Unlike your husband, who goes on claiming about his unhappy married life and shortcomings of his wife, you're still better to have gift him with something as beautiful as a feeling of father.

    Also, these things are temporary and can be taken care of with little amount of exercise.




    Just keep calm as of now. You're going to be a mother soon and for a alot of things you'll have to depend on your MIL and husband. So, try to give away with all this until your child is couple of months old or so.

    Moreover, you'll be able to resume back to job after your Maternity leave only because you'll have your MIL back at home to take care of your new born. So, its right now important not to hurt the relations because, you're going to need them.

    But, yes that doesn't mean at all that you need to live like a "maid" and obey all the orders.

    Listen to what your MIL has to say but follow up only the things that you feel is okay.



    Congratulations !!!! I wish you have a healthy and a happy child.

     
    3 people like this.
  5. chotabheem7

    chotabheem7 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi OP,
    Its preposterous. Their behavior is not acceptable. As others suggested, focus on the baby for next few months . Give them a grace time to see if their behavior changes. If it does not , take some time off and be away from them for several months till they realize and call you back,,you take an upper hand then..They will come behind you..Dont worry
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    642
    Likes Received:
    518
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    @OP
    Your hubby will some day(if he isn't already) brag to his friends that Knocking you up is also his plan.. what a pathetic loser..

    First thing's first.. stay calm and focus on your health.. better will be going to your parents..
     
  7. persecutedDIL

    persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    381
    Likes Received:
    480
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Since you are pregnant, my only advice now is - please stay focused on your baby and keep forgiving your MIL and hubby until the child delivery. As some holy scriptures said - Forgive them for they are ignorant, they know not what they do. So, be the larger person.

    After your baby is born and you have nurtured it and are ready to join back office, please take a serious look at your career and make it the focal point of your life apart from your baby. Men and MIL like yours don't deserve much attention. You need to be brave and firm to face their daily drama and feel beautiful from inside (due to your hubby's superiority complex and disrespect for you).

    But as of now, for your own and baby's well-being you would have to learn to ignore and forgive, I know hormonal changes are causing so much emotional turmoil but keep those negative thoughts about them away.

    Good luck!
     
  8. KP55

    KP55 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    293
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Male
    sorry to hear of what you are going through. In other countries a lot of this is grounds for divorce. But I know that you are pregnant and you are living in India. And its just a whole different mix of things there, especially with in-laws involved.

    Like other ladies have said, just remain calm and try to focus on your baby. Once you have the baby, I suggest you start standing up for yourself. Nobody in this world is going to do this for you. You have to find the courage somehow and do it. I've been there too in other situations where I did not stand up for myself. But once I started doing this, everyone fell in their place and learned their lessons.

    Stop giving too much thought into these people. Your "husband" is not a real man, he is a coward. He does not qualify to be a husband. He doesn't have the heart to tell you to your face that he doesn't love you or want to be with you. A man like this needs to be taught a hard lesson in life before he learns any antiquate and manners.

    He is a mental and an emotional abuser. I suggest you teach both son and mother some manners after you have your child. Move away from these clowns orelse they will continue to take over your life and your child.
     
  9. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,327
    Likes Received:
    1,508
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, Congrats on your pregnancy. One question, why did you plan a baby with such person in these conditions. He is a very timid man. Not to mention highly abusive and demented. Same with your MIL.I wud draw a line when he calls you a maid. Use this opportunity of pregnancy and go stay with your parents. We do that in India during that time of pregnancy. Don't come back unless situation improves. Dont punish urself becoz it was your choice to marry him. Your parents know how it is in your in laws house.They wudnt want you to live in hell just becoz of that reason.Your baby shud see a good example of family and marriage not this. It will set a wrong foundation about relationships in his or her life.Unless something improves in a big way don't come back. Good Luck.
    []
     
  10. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    949
    Likes Received:
    1,066
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Keep calm and enjoy pregnancy.

    Doing household work is not being a maid of the house dear. Taking charge of house work on weekend when your MIL does on weekdays is not a bad deal.
    But if in pregnancy they insist you to do all the work then put your foot down and say NO to their orders.

    Or still better is you to go and stay with your parents till delivery (if possible as you're working so I don't know if the work place is far or near from your parent's home)

    If they order you to do work then it's not good but if they request you to do then no harm as long as its genuine.

    Your DH commenting about you on FB with other lady is not a good sign. You don't blame yourself for being fat. It's not that you're overweight by choice!
    But right now don't think of your DH or MIL.
    Just eat good food and do baby shopling and relax.
    Concentrate on pregnancy.

    Remember that your baby can hear your mind inside. He/she will feel sad if you're tensed. So atleast for the sake of ypur baby try to be happy.

    Think about good things and all that you want to do for your kid.
    Talk to your baby when you feel sad. It'll make you feel good.
    Yoyr baby wants to see his/her mom happy when he/she will open eyes and take first breath of life outside.
    Think positive and feel good. :)
     

Share This Page