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My Husband Judges Everything I Do And Say

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by happyandsad, Jan 4, 2017.

  1. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    happyandsad, I hear you. I hear the frustration. I hear the helplessness. I hear the happy and the sad you.

    But, know this. If you are feeling this way, chances are he is also feeling the exact same way about you.

    Like others already suggested, you need to reset the expectations. We are not as young as we were 12 years ago. In my early 20's, I could stay up all night and go to work the next day. I could do laundry, grocery, cooking, cleaning and full time job simultaneously.
    Now, my husband never really bothered with work at home. I was OK with it. So, he was OK with it. Now, i cannot do all these things without help. The expectation is set that I do it alone. I fought with him, nagged him cajoled him to no avail. He is not going to do it. Either I fret and cry about it and fight with him or hire a maid (if we can afford it) or do it at my own pace.
    Of course he is going to get upset when things are going slow. That's the expectation you need to correct. Either help or hire or wait for it to get done in its own pace.

    I still cook/clean etc But I also realise that he is doing his own helping thing which I had taken for granted. Look around. is he doing anything that you have not noticed?
     
  2. happyandsad

    happyandsad New IL'ite

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    I agree, Rakhii. Thanks for the advice! No one is perfect and I am far from it. You are right about him doing a few things for the family too, especially things like taxes, driving etc.

    Of late, I have started taking the approach you suggested. I know I am "responsible for" certain things but I do them at my own pace to avoid getting frustrated. I don't kill myself trying to get chores done on time and efficiently. They just get done. Period. Good thing is at least he doesn't complain about that.

    My main complaint is that I am forced to assess and reassess every single word I am about to say, lest I get judged. And I fear I am becoming more and more fake.
     
  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    What would help is to focus on making sure you don’t say anything that you don’t mean.

    I mean say only things that you really mean. Sometimes we say/do things in the spur of the moment. Try to prevent it until you both are in a better position in terms of understanding.


    After that, you need to practise understanding that as long as your intentions are good, what he makes out of it is his problem. I am married for close to 10 years now and even now my husband says and does things that makes me wonder, who is he.

    If he twists and turns your words, offer an explanation of what you really mean. After that, whatever he concludes is his problem. Don’t turn yourself fake. Work towards moving away from fake-ness. It takes a lot of time and practise. You will get there.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Is it possible that you are doing the same to him -- assessing and reassessing every single word he says?

    Married people say many things to each other over the course of the day in person, by text and by phone, email. If these are taken and examined later sentence by sentence, some of those would surprise the one who spoke the words. Maybe his comments are not meant to be taken as seriously as you are taking them? Maybe you are giving more importance to his approval, disapproval and silent treatment than it deserves?

    Not trivializing your problem or your feelings, but, from an overall reading of your posts, it sometimes seems like a normal husband-wife conversation being examined too closely. Might help if you can describe an incident or two in detail including what happened before, during and after that exchange. My guess is that he says something and moves on, and you are analyzing it beyond that.
     
  5. Nonya

    Nonya Gold IL'ite

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    The husband might reform, if the wife took on a "Jehovah's witness" mode of interaction. Pounce on comments right away, and get aggressively submissive. I think happyandsad might have the attitude <and energy> to do this. Pretending to be a "witness" or an adventist is not for for everyone.

    If she did that a few times.... he'd wonder whether he can open his mouth on anything, and eventually become well-trained. I have linked something i read the other day.... and it shows how. For example, when he criticizes, she goes wild with appreciation, thankfulness, and describes at length on how his comments had improved her performance in every which way. The following essay suggests that you "coach" your spouse into good behavior.

    What is Integral Development Coaching ?
    Have you ever noticed that when people say things to you that you do not like to hear (e.g. when my husband says I haven’t loaded the dishwasher in the most efficient way), you get defensive and collapse, fight or flee ?
    That’s because when those close to us touch into our blind spots and we’re not aware of them it really hurts. It hurts precisely because they’re in the dark, they’re in the spot that’s blind to us.

    Most often we’re practicing sealing the cycle – we become really good at criticising, finding problems and we forget that our being, our ‘Lizzieness’ or our ‘Tomness’ or our ‘Jackness’ [insert your name if you’d like!!] is right here all the time, shining forth into the world – those around us can see it, but it’s harder for us to see ourselves. <there is more at the link>
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2017
  6. happyandsad

    happyandsad New IL'ite

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    Wow. I am so thankful for all your advice, ladies. There is truth in everything you are saying. Maybe sometimes it is better to look inward rather than outward.

    I did this and did tons of research on why I am behaving the way I am and realized I am a "conversational narcissist" (examples: How to Tell If You're a Conversational Narcissist | World of Psychology and Conversational Narcissism: How to Avoid It | The Art of Manliness). I do try to shift the conversation towards me all the time and try to interject with my own experiences instead of really listening and empathizing.

    I had a conversation with my husband (not pleasant!) and he was candid about how I am being overbearing and argumentative all the time. Apparently, I am also dismissive of others' thoughts and have a pre-conceived opinion or a negative gut reaction to everything. This is driving him away from me. He avoids me and does not share his experiences like before. He seems to be in an indifferent state now and I can't seem to get him out of this. He says he might change but if he sees my behaviors change.

    I really need to stop trying to be the center of attention and trying to always be right.

    Although I have this realization now, I am not sure where to go from here. This has the potential to affect all my relationships, both personal and professional. What can I do so I slowly get out of this mode? What are some small steps?
     

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