My Husband Judges Everything I Do And Say

Your husband is intimidated by your personality.As you say,rather than stating as facts,ask for your husband's opinion.Ask him what he feels about certain topics and try to build a discussion.On weekends,try to cook something he likes and take him for dinner or outings so that he feels important and sees the person he once fell in love.Above all patience is the key.

 

True, after 12 years we expect that our flaws will be accepted, but the truth is, they will never be. In your case, you can't do much, just ignore.... You can't improve your cooking if you could not do it for 12 years - not saying your cooking is bad, but I don't think you can cook to his tastes. Asserting is one thing that most men unfortunately don't like, they want you to accept first and then manipulate them to your opinion. That is the sad truth. Don't beat yourself for that. Just do something that makes you happy, don't try fitting. Also, do not state your opinions as is and if you state them don't expect him to accept them. I know it is very annoying to be asked an opinion and then not accepting the same. If the other person is not interested in accepting then why ask? But fact is, it is even more annoying when you are not even asked. After 12 years, he will expect you to understand his flaws, he won't understand your flaws. So, accept his flaws and move on. Probably then you can expect some results.

 

Hey OP,

12+ years a quite a long time. Reading your post, I get this feeling that your husband is kind of intimidated by you and is suffering from an inferiority complex.

its hard to expect others to change. The only thing we can do is change ourselves for good. In your case, i feel that your husband might still find faults with you even if you change.

My advise would be to find a middle ground.

Set his expectations right! have a talk with him as to what 'housework' for him means. Trust me different men have different perceptions. Acc. to my H says housework means sitting beside him . if you H brings this up next time, tell him that the most you can do is what you are doing. If his needs are justified and you cant meet it, then appoint a maid. If he demands something silly, tell him clearly that he needs to do it himself.

you have also mentioned you are too lazy to cook. Why don't you appoint a cook. If it is not possible, try some simple but tasty dishes which are easy to prepare. You can always check IL which has a huge collection of recipes.

try and take his opinions without arguing in things that don't carry much importance to you. I do that with my H.

When we are travelling together, my H usually asks me which way to take and later complain about it....so I tell him, whichever you are convenient with. I usually give in for the restaurants that we want to go, the movie that we watch, simple things that don't really make much difference in my life.

For the others which significantly impact you, tell him this is what you have decided and the reason for your decision. Don't take his opinion on that.

awww dear, keep up that confidence shield. Don't give in to his demands and change yourself. I know its easy to say but the moment you start losing yourself, you will start hating things.

It happened with me. My H tried to change me acc. to what he thought I should be like. I was miserable, made him miserable. at some point, I used to get thoughts like what's the point of living! Don't let it happen to you.

Most guys I tend to notice become touchy when it comes to money and career. So your H might be touchy on that subject. Try not to talk a about it to your H.

the next time he starts to complain about you for something unreasonable, stop him at the beginning and tell him that you are what you are. No matter what he says you will not change some things about yourself. Let him sulk if he wants. you behave normally with him. Don't indulge him by pleading him or asking him to talk to you. Most of the times, people get away with tantrums because the others around them indulge them in it.

our life is not just our family but about ourselves too. Try and please yourself sometimes. Don't bend yourself too much.

Wish you luck sister!

 

1. There's nothing wrong in disliking housework and chores.
2. There's nothing wrong in not being interested in cooking.
3. There's nothing wrong in prefering your stimulating career to mind numbing housework.
4. There's nothing wrong in being happy wih who you are and being proud of what you've achieved.

Your husband is nitpicking and chipping away at your foundation. Sounds from your post that he manipulates you emotionally - he complains, treats you badly and the result he gets is that you become unsure of yourself and try to please him. He has you exactly where he wants you.

You keep your self confidence, girl. Far too many men have undermined their partners this way just to make their sorry selves feel better. Don't lose it or try to change yourself.

Be confident. Any accusation, look like he is crazy and say, "seriously after 12 years you ought to know better" without becoming defensive and without explaining yourself.

Or take a dig at him - for at person who claims to be perceptive, you don't seem to understand me at all.

Talk yourself up- Yes, I'm proud of my accomplishments at work. Im sorry you seem to see it as a threat and start whining about arrogance.

Any complaints about housework / cooking, directly hire someone to do that saying you have more important things to do.

Be unapologetic and refuse to debased yourself following his tantrums. He's got into a terrible pattern in these 12 years. Break it.

Oh! Keep your salary and savings seperate and safe. Invest wisely in your name.

 

You are a working woman and his expectations are not fair.What is his role in house work?
If he is not happy about housekeeping and cooking...just get someone to do it for you.
Even the respite from cooking one meal will help you.

As for having opinions......make a list of things that you guys differ on.Then divide them into ones that can be left alone like politics ,sports etc.You both can find other people to discuss these with.
Decisions that involve the family should be discussed with an open mind.See if his opinions are being given enough weight.
Think of things that you both agree on discuss those more often.

Don't take things to heart...learn to say,"it's okay..we can agree to differ with a smile."

If you feel you are pushy.....then try to tone it down a bit. Most men find that upsetting...specially if it happens in front of children or other people.Unless the guy is a complete pushover,it becomes difficult to get things done by being pushy .

 

I and my husband have difference of opinions in so many things, ranging from religion, politics, parenting, career, life style and what not. We are from a completely different background; hence the differences.
Fortunately or unfortunately we both are very strong characters, so it would very hard to give up for the sake of it.
We often argue and state our opinions and stand by it. But one thing that makes our sailing smooth is the love and respect for each other.
No matter how much differences we have, we still respect each others opinion and give them the space.

That is exactly what missing in your case.

During the initial days of marriage, my H would say that I pay less attention to the family and housework.
In fact, I was in the opinion that I am paying more attention to the family and house work as I cook 3 meals, and slog in the kitchen more often than not, and do almost all the chores to maintain a tidy home with absolutely no help. This is in addition to my title as a working woman.
But he compared me to his mom, who used to be a busy bee in an around the house all the time. But she was not a working woman. Her stay at home gives her the time and energy to do everything.

Since I am argumentative and like to explain things in my style, those days I would say... Your dad was an orthodox man, who believed the traditional way of family life; hence he alone went to work, earned and took care of the financial responsibility of your home singlehandedly. Whereas he expected his wife to equally contribute to the family by working inside the house. This way they balanced their life.

But you, as a modern man expect your wife to share your financial responsibility. You expect your wife to share the outside burdens like investments, constructions, paying bills etc..etc... You expect your wife to spend 8+ hrs out side of her home to support your role as an income earner in this family.
So, with the same mode, as a modern man, you are suppose to support your wife to do her chores at home. Just as she supports your financial responsibility equally, you too have to contribute to the household chores equally.
If she wakes up to cook a meal in the morning, cut the veggies and wash the vessels with her.
Load the washing machine, and sweep the floor and do half of the things for the kids. This way, your wife's work load would be minimized, thus you could ensure equality at both ends.

if my household chore is only limited to cooking with the little time I have at home, I could do my best in there,. But if I am expected to do almost everything with my little time, while you take rest after office, I would be burned up and obviously jealous with you, so I can't show much interest in the chores.

I repeated my stand point a few times until I stroke his head. Since then, he helps me a lot. Appreciates the extra work that I do at home, if not at least he keeps mum without complaining.
Because he respects me now.

Demand for your respect.