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My Husband Does Not Want To Listen To Me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by delmed, Mar 5, 2017.

  1. delmed

    delmed New IL'ite

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    Dear friends,
    Living in a nuclear family with 2 young kids, when I get back from work, my husband is the only adult I have around to share my day experiences, my thoughts etc. with. However, he does not like to listen to me. He prefers to just come home and be on the computer, or watch TV, or his phone. This has been a constant issue of stress between us in the last 5 years of marriage, and leads to a fight also every now and then.
    I have tried different things, taking out 30 mins block of time to talk, or talking during dinner. But whatever I try, I always find him disinterested. He either closes his eyes, and tells me "I am listening", or starts asking a totally unrelated thing of his own in between. Some things he does listen to with interest, but it is rare and sporadic in between.
    Our lives are good otherwise, and there are no other problems between us. However, this one thing is very hurting to me, as I feel this is the only thing I want from my husband, is to be able to share, and companionship. He doesn't do anything else for me ever, as in never give gifts on anniversary/birthdays. He is not romantic, or say anything loving, and no loving gestures. He is practical, a great father, and keeps up all his responsibilties towards the home and family. But personally, does nothing for me. I am used to all of that now, but I will not be able to talk to him and share, I will go into loneliness and depression. Neither do I want to keep forcing my talks on him, if he is not interested, and clearly tells me he doesnt like to listen to me.
    What should I do?
     
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  2. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Gold IL'ite

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    I think this is a very typical phase of married couples after a few yrs down the marriage. Maybe he is stressed out about his job, finances about children, their future, retirement etc?

    I have seen my elder cousins telling similar thing after 8-9yrs of marriage that there is no bonding. Life becomes mechanical.
    Maybe you can ask him to share his day...any stress he is facing at work with you... find some acivities that is of common interest of you both and do it together.... basically you both need to destress and then openly talk/lisen to each other.
    I would want to say go to counsellor but I know we all are here on this forum because we don't want to go to a counsellor or our partner is not willing to go to a counsellor.

    maybe other experienced ladies will advice better.
     
    AngelNew likes this.
  3. WiseAgnes

    WiseAgnes Silver IL'ite

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    Hugs to you, OP
    I'm with you because I'm one of those people who feel loved and cared for, when their spouse actually spends time with them and listens to them. Fortunately, my husband is the same way so we never had a problem like that. However, your practical husband lets you know he loves you being helpful and responsible and may be confused that you are still not happy. Well, you should teach him about your needs. Say that you appreciate what he is doing for you, but you feel down because your emotional needs are not met. Explain that fifteen min a day of sitting down and listening to you does not seem a lot, but it leads to you feeling happier and your relationship getting stronger. Please, don't be vague. He will not not know what you need until you explain it. Tell him in details what you want him to do as like "drinking tea together in the morning and talking to each other for ... min before work"
    Also, show him some Active Listening Skills article. These are super helpful skills to learn if he wants to be an active listener.
    Good luck :)
     
  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    op,

    Are there any common household things that you two do them together? Like grocery shopping, picking up and dropping kids to school, shopping at mall,etc..? Find those common things to talk..or create such common things..
    Unfortunately getting hooked to technology during family time is the worst enemy of the spouse. Assign him some tasks like kids homework, packing kids school bag, deciding on food menu for next day,etc if he is not doing anything after coming home and he should be able to understand you better..
    if you feel that he is stressed and hence not lending his ear, then remember that you too work full day and you will be equally or more stressed. If he still doesn't understand, give him silent treatment or talk only when he asks you couple of times about something
     
  5. rajatsingh

    rajatsingh Silver IL'ite

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  6. delmed

    delmed New IL'ite

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    Thank you for your replies. Yes I have resorted to the silent treatment now. Infact I am so put off and disillusioned, that I just dont want to talk to him. I feel disrespected and hurt , and I dont want to speak to someone who doesnt value it, and dislikes it infact. So, nowadays I have stopped talking anything from my side, except day to day house or kids or work related matters....
     
  7. Gandharva

    Gandharva New IL'ite

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    Dear

    I can totally understand what you are saying as I face similar dilemma. I can totally understand how irritating it is when taking to a husband who is hooked to his phone/ computer. It is as good as talking to a wall.
    I too from time to time express my sadness and dissatisfaction regarding the same and at that point my DH seem to listen, but then back to square one.

    I have probably now come in terms to it. I just go out alone and sometimes with my daughter.

    I a trying hard to make myself believe that the only person that can make you happy is yourself.
     
    MNR likes this.
  8. aswathyk

    aswathyk Gold IL'ite

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    I am facing the similar situation. It irritates me a lot and it leads to a fight. We don't have kids. So I feel very lonely at Home. Now I trying to be busy with my activities. I love to make jewellery and I love to read books. I have bought some jewellery making kits and some books. And started making new designs. Now I feel a little better.

    So I suggest you to spend time on your passion and with your kids. Be Happy Dear..
     
  9. Nonya

    Nonya Gold IL'ite

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    Good.

    I see that you have more than one child. Do they talk to their father ? Does he babysit, take them out,etc.. ?

    Is the husband/dad/householder a healthy one ?
    If you have yes's to all, then you should be happy that he is quiet. You can take up some other hobby, like reading, or offering advice to others (on internet forums)whose husbands talk a lot to the point of mentally abusing their wives.
     
    greenchilli and MNR like this.
  10. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

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    I face the same with DH. I would be talking , he would have lost in news..I will be pinching him in between to listen to me.

    I switch off the TV to tell something important. But I am not the person who shares office stuff so not an issue there.

    We talk about general stuff while driving to office.
    We go to vegetable market discuss about the prices, inflation. same thing while we do clothes shopping or grocery.


    You did not tell us, what topics you discuss with him.



    Some of these may help you.
    1. find out what is his interested about .. Current affairs, culinary, sports, financial planning. Learn about them and discuss. In between discuss your interests.
    2. start general topic and ask his opinion.
    3. while cooking call him to taste the food, explain the culinary.

    Topic should not be something to just to talk about. It should be part of our life. Then only both parties can get interest.
    If not he being romantic, you be the one. Chuckle him, cuddle him. If you do 10 times, he may do 2 times. still a worth.

    Its not like movies, always men has to be romantic, women can also be .
     
    Nonya likes this.

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