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My husband complains about me to his mother

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by gayatri11, Sep 2, 2009.

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  1. gayatri11

    gayatri11 New IL'ite

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    I have married for one year.I have been noticing his habit to complain about me to his mother.When he does that,she naturally turns on me and is protective of her son.Few days after our marriage,we had an argument and he went and told MIL,she came and both she and my husband cornered me and told hurtful things about my family and me and grilled me for three hours.
    Later I told him that marraige is between us and things need to be resolved between us.When i told him this,he spat out to me that I was jealous about his relationship with his mother and threw things around the house.
    Instead of trying to help us become cordial with each other,he does this.I am tired of this and also having to listen to MIL scold me over the phone.They dont seem to respect my wishes,just the other day both mother and son talked on phone with me also at other end of the phone, about his exgirlfriend.How she was still in contact with his ex and that he should also keep in touch.It crushes me.
    I am not liking this but i dont know how to handle this.
     
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  2. depressed

    depressed Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Gayatri,

    First of all tell me- do you live with your in-laws ?

    If yes, then the situation is very complex. I see no hope for such an un-coperative, immature and biased husband [ sorry for using these adjectives]. These husbands are ruining their married life out of their own wrong doing and own willingness.

    If you are not staying with your in-laws, or if your in-laws are living in a different country/state/city , the situation can be improved to a certain extent. You have to stand up for yourself. Yo have to tell your husband that if he carries tales to your in-laws like "Narada Muni" then you will not co-operate with him. In fact tell him about the character of Narada Muni and tell him why Narada was disliked by even the Gods for his behaviour !!!

    ___________________________________________________________

    The Story of Narada Muni : :bonk:bonk:bonk:bonk

    Narada Muni could not keep any secrets. He was usually known for revealing secrets on a bad time or spreading gossip. Therefore he was often mistaken as a quarrel-monger and a talebearer. His deeds often brought a trouble and friction among gods, demon and men.

    { But one must remember that Narada's intention was to espouse a good cause. It was his constant desire that bad people should be punished for their deeds. Whatever Narada did, though sometimes it seemed bad, turned into a happy ending }

    Actually Narada was misunderstood for his actions. He was a Good God. But your husband is not.
    ______________________________________________________


    Tell your husband that it is morally wrong to carry the tales of one's spouse to his parents. It creates friction and ill-will among all.:bang :bang

    If nothing improves even after making some efforts, try to keep silent on issues involving his parents and your parents. About other day to day issues, if you are being questioned and grilled by your in-laws after listening to your husband's complaint, YOU HAVE TO STAND UP and Answer them back by defending each and every accusations they hurl towards you.
    If you do not stand up for yourself who will ?
    It seems that Your husband won't save you at the end of the day. So save yourself.


    Regards,
    "HAPPY"
    [​IMG]

    NARADA MUNI
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2009
  3. shakambari

    shakambari Platinum IL'ite

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    Many husbands are like this in the early years of marriage.

    I would suggest u discuss this matter with a senior , level headed member of ur or his family whom he respects and get that person to have a friendly chat with him and throw some sense into him.

    Or consult a psychologist -not necessarily with him.You alone can go.
    They will help you to deal with his complex, sissy behavior.:bonk:bonk
     
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Some Husbands (not all) are like that at the early stage of marriage, but as years roll by they will come to terms and know us better. In my early marriage days when my hubby is annoyed with me he use to openly critizise me so that his parents can here and so they can also give their share of scoldings, stupid advise and sincere opinion as to how I should behave to please their DS.
    But now I am happy he is changed for good, even if he is not happy with some thing he will tell me in privacy much to the displeasure of my MIL
     
  5. mlk2009

    mlk2009 New IL'ite

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    Sweetie,
    your MIL is really really vicious to suggest that your husband keep in touch with his ex girlfriend. She knows how to push your buttons. So for sometime try hard and be nice to your husband, once you guys form a strong bond, she will automatically back off.

    Try to avoid any situation that might trigger a fight, so that your husband has nothing to report back to his mom. keep the house calm and quiet with no quarrels.

    Good luck
     
  6. Ratn

    Ratn New IL'ite

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    hahaha the narada muni story was great!!!

    gayatri11 , your MIL is really crossing the limits of decency by even talking openly about ur DH's ex gf....next time she does that just ask outright, if she was so good why didnt your son marry her?? (or did she dump your DH??) actually the more you suffer in silence w/o voicing your opinions, the more she will interfere and boss around. Even I had an MIL like that but I was very vocal about interference and all, and even though she sometimes acts like a 'victim'...I have the distance I need from in laws and all.
     
  7. gayatri11

    gayatri11 New IL'ite

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    Dear friends,
    Thank you so much for your reply.I feel so much at ease to know that I was not the one at fault because he feels I am wrong in objecting to his complaints to his mother,and that if we have a problem between us she should be also involved.
    Whereas I have never complained about anything to my parents about him and try to present a good image so they build a good relationship with him.When I told him that now its our turn to help them solve their problems and not the other way around he flew into a rage and called me the most stupidiest person he has ever met.
    I thought that a husband and wife build a solid relationship,and from that solid base they are able to face everything and also take maintain relations and care for parents.
    I am thankful that I dont live with my in-laws who are in India.But I have to go this winter because my elder SIL is getting married.I am already apprehensive and feel that I will be cornered once more.Please advice on how to make things tolerable.
     
  8. bharti

    bharti Silver IL'ite

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    hey gayathri..... your DH is one of those mumma's boy who need to go to his mom for every small thing!!!! well i think he is yet to grow up and handle things on his own!!! ofcourse issues between spouse should be tackled between them without the need to run to elders.... this was what we used to do as kids....

    and i think your MIL is also silly enough..... its just so ridiculous that she talks about your DH's ex and more so advising him to keep in touch.... is she out of her sense.... sorry to say that but thats how i feel....

    i can understand how frustrating it is for someone to deal with a husband so immatured..... but i think all you can do is keep patience and ignore most of the time... but when get to corner you and scold you just do not let them.... just walk out and tell them you are not interested to listen..... but be polite..... tell them its just that you think differently and having different opinion need not be bad or wrong and you do not want to argue about it..... as others ahve said that gradually he shall start understanding.... sometimes man-boys need more time to get matured!!! but do not let them hurt your self respect!!!
     
  9. pstar

    pstar Junior IL'ite

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    :bonkold post -moderator pls remove my comments
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2010
  10. swaran

    swaran IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Gayatri

    Sorry about your condition but dont worry, all your sorrows will end soon

    Like all others have mentioned, men(most of them) have the habit of telling all their fights to their parents atleast to their mom...donno what pleasure or conclusion are they trying to find by tellling all those stories...what i feel is either they are trying to show their mother tat they are still the same old mumma's baby telling her everythin even after marriage or they are not able to handle the new relationship....many men try to come out of this storytelling sessions,few dont

    U dont worry abt all these issues...remain calm...becoz,it is u who would require peace of mind to live...whatever they say,remain cool...in the meanwhile,stay nice to ur hubby and keep telling him either in an indirect or calm way without showing your anger what u like and dislike.....

    give ur hubby some time becoz women adjust better and their maturity level is definetely more than men after marriage....they find it difficult to manage their relationship between parents and wife for some time...they will not know how to act right,might have a fear that their parents might say that their son has started nodding for whatever their DIL say...they often fail to balance their realtionship after marriage and require some time and this time depends on how the wife explains him and in what way...

    Men are like that..women(no other go) other than to adjust for sometime and at the same time make their hubby understand their position in a nice and calm...

    gayatri, plz dont feel as if u are falling at their feet...u are doin for ur life and definetely u ll see that ur hubby at some point of life will come and apologise to u for wat he had done...
     
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