My husband caught between career and his mom

Deepika017 · Aug 1, 2015

Hi All,

I am married for 2 yrs and staying with in-laws. A small family in India. Myself, my hubby, his bro(unmarried-27) and mother-in-law(50)(father in law expired). My in-law is very traditional and commanding(she ran the house after my father-in-law expired). My hubby is soft, i am silent and introvert. I work as a lecturer. it was all good for 3 months after marriage. Soon differences arose between me and my in-law regarding house work. It was difficult for me to do all house work as i work outside as well and was not able to satisfy in-law's expectation. This created a rift between us as days passed it reached to a state where we hated each other and stopped talking as well. My husband tried his best to bring harmony between us, but no luck. After 1 yr of my marriage, we couldn't face each other and my in-law forced us to go seperate during a fight and my husband decided to separate out hastily. But this created a rift between my husband and his mom and bro as well. Soon late rhe tried to connect the bridge, but it didn't work either.
After staying separate for 8 months, my husband got an opportunity to get transferred to US branch in his current company. So he decided to move back to his mom's house for couple of months before we fly abroad to re-build the relationship. But after moving in, it went well only for 1 week. He had informed his mom that we would stay here for few months and we would fly to US. Though she was not happy with us flying abroad she agreed and let us in. Now, the time has come for us to fly. But the rift has widened tremendously that if we fly abroad we would completely cut the relationship. His mom and bro are asking us to get away from them but i am sure that's not what they mean. My inlaw has a sharp tongue and it really hurts me.
Also, my brother in law doesn't earn much, so my husband has agreed not to claim any of the property that his mom owns(approx 1 crore) but also agreed to send money to his family for monthly expenses(20k). But all this doesn't make them feel better. We are from upper middle class family, but myself and my hubby don't own any property. So, this US transfer is very crucial for us to get financially settled and have a better career for life.

Now, my hubby is in dilemma if he should move abroad or stay with his mom. I am fine with both options. But i am not sure if my hubby would be happy after completely disconnecting with his family, if we fly. But if we stay back with my in-laws not sure if things will really get better.
My in-law says that i should first have a baby and get my brother in-law's wedding done and then move out anywhere. i agree with her suggestion but my hubby says that he won't get such an opportunity again. So we are really confused.
My hubby tried his best to console his mom but for no luck.
Please share your opinion and help me get some clarity!

Thanks,
Deepika

crazywriter · Aug 1, 2015

your husband could be right. Opportunities don't come everyday. I can't really comment on the other matters, but if going abroad is what you both want, you should go for it. Later with kids and all it can be more difficult. tell your mom-in-law that you will work there for a few years and then return to settle here. will she be ok with this?

you can return to attend your BIL's wedding etc. but if you think you should not give up this chance, take it up. Later you/your DH should not regret letting it go, right? it could be too late then. you might start feeling bitter and resentful if you see that you lost a wonderful opportunity.

guesshoo · Aug 1, 2015

Your mil can't be pleased.let him work on the one thing that is right in life - his career. Let him focus on it and be polite and cordial with his mum. If she comes around fine. Else, well, her loss really. Staying back to have. Baby or for bil's wedding is quite the senseless thing to do. Let your husband get settled in his career. His brother sounds like a leach. More the distance between them, the better...

Deepika017 · Aug 1, 2015

yeah, i agree with you. But my MIL thinks we are being selfish and letting her down. These words have hurt my DH. Actually my MIL had initially agreed for us settling abroad. But suddenly her opinion and priorities have changed. We feel sorry for her since she feels lonely as my FIL is no more. But she is not ready to understand that my DH's career is also important. At the same time she is not willing to come to us abroad once in a while, if she really miss us. Worst part is i'm getting blamed for all these from neighbors and his family.

poovai · Aug 1, 2015

You can always take time off from work and visit India to settle your BIL's wedding.

Life time opportunity will not click when you want it to happen. Let your DH make his decision. Just, play neutral for now.

MalStrom · Aug 1, 2015

Your DH should be the one making the decision.
If his mother really cared, they would not be trying to guilt him into doing what they want. In life, to a large extent, as you sow, so you shall reap.
Your MIL seems to see fit to behave exactly as she pleases, and for everyone to bow to her even when she is nasty. Life is not always linear. That is to say that you cannot always go in perfect order: baby, BIL's wedding then onsite. Sometimes you have to take the opportunities as they come and plan around it.
Decide with your DH what is best for you both as a family and act accordingly.

Jazmine83 · Aug 2, 2015

hmmm....she seems like she never gets pleased with anything.

You are saying your are not financially settled..then what is the point to have a baby? that will put you in a vicious loop, where you will have to depend on your mil for child care to save money and that will be an absolute disaster.

Pack your bags and move to US, sometimes distance will mend wounds. Honestly her advise makes no sense to me. Baby doesn't magically fix anything.

1Sandhya · Aug 2, 2015

OP,

There are some people who just keep demanding and placing conditions until they encounter resistance. I feel your MIL and bil belong to this category. The conditions your h agreed to -- no share in inheritance plus 20 k monthly maintenance are each, in itself, pretty damn major concessions. But because you ppl agreed so readily, so eagerly, they carry no weight or value for your MIL and BIL. This is the feeling I am getting from your narration. You have to change the way you are interacting with her. Be stubborn, be resistant to her demands and finally agree to one or max two conditions, very grudgingly after lot of argument. Now inspite of your concessions to condition #1 and 2, when she still demands that he not go unless now condition # 3 and 4 are also fulfilled, you need to take both or one of those previous offers off the table and stubbornly refuse to put them back on. Be very resistant and dont agree to any new conditions either. otherwise if you agree to condition #3 and 4 also they will be soon followed by condition #5 and so on. This will be endless process. . She has found what she thinks is your weak point and she will just not agree. You ppl have to toughen up and have to tell her clearly you both are leaving as planned whether she likes it or not. If she gives blessing and the relation is maintained, you may agree to condition #1 or #2 maximum. Otherwise she will not get that also and you will still leave.

chocolate · Aug 2, 2015

Op, You cant please your MIL period. Onsite opportunities don't come when you want. Your hubby got a good chance. If he takes this up and comes back , he will get a big pay raise. Responsibilities never end . Your MIL Is making lame excuses to tie your hubby down to her.

Your BIL is not your responsibility. He has to make his own way. Your hubby gave up his share and told he will send money. That shud do it. You cant please everybody at all times.

Your hubby is married man. He has to take care of his own family too.Its about time he does it. Your hubby shud take up this offer . Mommy can never be pleased. You moved back in , did that satisfy her. No. Then what makes you think staying back will. Your BIL is lashing out becoz he is incompetent of doing anything. You need to get out of negativity like this. Don't plan a baby becoz he said she said. Neighbors are not people who shud talk shud nonsense. It shud only be you and your hubby 's decision.
Don't come into pressure and have a baby. Do it when you are ready. Not becoz they said so.Good Luck.

guesshoo · Aug 2, 2015

Deepika017 said: ↑

yeah, i agree with you. But my MIL thinks we are being selfish and letting her down. These words have hurt my DH. Actually my MIL had initially agreed for us settling abroad. But suddenly her opinion and priorities have changed. We feel sorry for her since she feels lonely as my FIL is no more. But she is not ready to understand that my DH's career is also important. At the same time she is not willing to come to us abroad once in a while, if she really miss us. Worst part is i'm getting blamed for all these from neighbors and his family.
Click to expand...

You are an Indian DIL. You must realise that you will never, ever get the GOOD DIL medal ever from anyone. (unless your ILs are fair, nice people; which sadly doesn't happen to most people we encounter here) Everything, however irrelevant, will always be blamed on you. That is not a reason to pander to their whims.

You do what is right for you. Your MIL will do anything to control your husband; even if it is detrimental to him. He needs to stay firm about his career and you should make him see it and support his decisions based on practicalities rather than your MIL's capricious whims and emotional blackmails... Rise above it; disregard anyone who blames/ guilt-trips you.

Insist that your priority is for you and your husband to settle down abroad and follow through without giving in to her blackmail and disapproval. Please take a stand and do not say you are ok with any decision your husband makes. Tell him to take the job; tell him it is a great opportunity; tell him you look forward to seeing new sights with him and all that. Live your life whether your MIL approves or not...