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My husband and his family communiacte only with each other

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sasha123, Dec 5, 2011.

  1. sasha123

    sasha123 New IL'ite

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    My husband always communicates with his family at his work place.Even his family members communicate only with him.Even if anyone of them is going to visit us or anything , they do not call home and tell me they are coming.He gets to know and informs me.I cannot even get anrgy for this and refuse to entertain the,He and they gang up together and in front of them I dont like to create a scene and I will cook for them.Even if there is some big function - my own inlaws ceremonies , i was not informed when all of them planned bought sarees ect.I was told when there was a month away and I had to attend and smile.Nobody calls from his house.The phone never rings in the house.I feel my son is not being exposed to a normal family life.What am I to do.Everything that happens between the walls of our house , an argument a fight my medical issues , my sons achievements , they all know...nothing of theirs I know.I dont even know if anyone has any ailments.I feel very left out.CAn anyone advise? What can I do?
     
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  2. sasha123

    sasha123 New IL'ite

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    sorry i posted here...I read the forum as "life with spouse"
     
  3. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    if ur hubby is behaving well with u and taking care of u like buying u gifts, taking u out, spending quality time with u then u dont need to bother abt this issue..
    try to talk to him tht u r feeling left out..
     
  4. azalea

    azalea Silver IL'ite

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    Sasha,

    Since you have a son, I presume you have been married for sometime - enough time for you to understand that your husband and his family do not share anything with you. Yet you share your information with them? There is information like your son's achievements that you cannot keep secret from your husband but your medical record is confidential.. Since your husband does not have the capability to know what should be between a husband and a wife and what should not be, use your discretion in telling him anything. Also, if people do not care to inform you about their visit, don't take full responsibility for their entertainment, etc.. Let that responsibility be your husband's.. Also, if they do not invite you to their functions, don't go. And be firm in that. Unless you respect yourself, nobody will. If you appear to be a doormat, everybody will wipe their dirty feet on you.
     
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  5. sasha123

    sasha123 New IL'ite

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    Thank you for your replies ivlakshmi and azalea.
    Azalea what you say is true sometimes i feel i am a doormat.But the problem is this man is impossible to argue with.At times when some relatives have landed..always without me knowing , and I do all the cooking etc but with a set face(that others cannot make out) he is so sensitive to that that after thay go or even when they are there- esp if they are his sister or brother , he will insult , treat ,me badly etc.I am very scared of being insulted when they are all around as I feel they are a gang and husband turns into someone i cannot even recognise when they are there.It is a fact he thinks DILs are outsiders and have to be treated like one and his family is very important and they must stick together no matter what.Just yesterday i argued why he cannot be open with what he talks in front all of us.Why he has to so openly hide from me and talk to his family.His family cares two hoots if i am alive or not.But they want to communicate with my son.I am just a maid servant here i feel.One day we were together for a function and they were all talking about his brothers son going to USA.Only later did i realise he had got a seat and gone no one told me.Sometimes i feel very left out and alone i dont even feel i ahve a husband who is mine.He has created an account and gives me some very basic money and when that gets over alone i can ask him to reimburse.At times i feel like fighting back and i do so.He fights back nastily bring up things like my health issues telling me i will lose my organs one by one....he says naything and the words are so hurtful that I hate a fight.two days of cold war and no talking and he casually comes and asks lets go to the mall and i am grateful we are not fighting again and i go.No compromise or nothing settled.I sometimes give in because my son becomes sad.When we argue , he stops talking to my son also.He screms back equally.Stops buying things for the house.....nothing can make him sit down and talk and see sense.in fact i want to forget he has a family.but when inlaws land i am to shut my mouth and do for them.I desperately want my parents to come home too....what can i do.he does not care about building a house or planning for a future.We never sit and plan for anything,All planning is done with his famly.If i ever say it is our event lets plan they all just boycott.thats all.everthing every single thing that i speak goes to them and i can see it in theor actions.Nothin nothing at all about them is ever discussed with me....even if i ask.
     
  6. USA2012

    USA2012 New IL'ite

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    Do you know the underlying reason for this? There must be some reason for this behaviour. Either there was some argument between you and your in-laws or some incidents must have taken place in the beginning of your married life.

    If not then straight away ask your husband or in-laws.

    If there is no reason then you start behaving like them. Dont disclose your plans to anyone till you reach the completion of your plans & surprise them everytime. & behave as if you dont care if you are isolated.

    This itself will change them.
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2011
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  7. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Sasha,
    You should teach others on how to treat you. You get treated well only that way. Put a strong foot & don't goto functions which they don't invite you & don't entertain guests unless they inform you.
    If your husband is sharing everything that happens within four walls of your house, you have to keep him less informed. Ask them directly whey are they doing like this. You need to create a scene whether you like it or not.
     
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  8. InnerBliss

    InnerBliss Gold IL'ite

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    I liked the response from some friends. To some extent, I have been through such situation. It took, may be, 15 years to come out of that situation. Well, if you want to save the time, recognise your importance first and know what do you deserve. Raise your voice if they are not right. Well, it is not necessary that when we have difference of opinion, we have to do everything negative. Do not allow the issue to digress from its real essence. Dont allow any new issue to join or erupt with this (as it happens with most of the couple. They start including all other things and the real solution of the real problem is never worked out). Speak out, what is your relation, what do you deserve, how does it feel to be left out like this. Do you know such kind of behavior is the 'psychological abuse' and that is banned in Australia. I dont know about your country. Further, keep assuring him that how much do you love and care him. He and the family is undoubtedly important to you. However, this issue needs to be fixed for the better future. For the healthy environment and perspective of the family. For the good family values. You have already left your first-family and adopted another. They should not have issue of showing 'acceptance and unconditional love' for you. If they are doing so, they are guilty. Further, if you would not maintain the confidentiality of the family, you would be guilty too.

    Dear IL friend, do not be emotional while you work out on your this issue. Be firm and show firmness. Be strong and show strength. Be an asset that people would be afraid to lose the person like you. Consistency with everything, helps in achieving the things over time. Maybe, you cant expect overnight difference, but even small steps of progress would help. If your spouse had taken so many years in learning some behavior, it can be replaced by only more welcoming additions in his life. It would be difficult for him to unlearn his unfair behavior if there is no positive replacement for his behavior.

    Hope I am making sense.

    Wish you the great married life.
    Anuradha
     
  9. sasha123

    sasha123 New IL'ite

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    There is no reason.Within 3 days of my marriage my husband came saying his sister who live a few hours away from our house had invited us - and we had a phone at home.A month later he came and said his sister was visiting us - again we had a phone at home.I did not really find anything amiss then - till a few yers later when my best friend and collegue got married.A few weeks after her marriage her FIL called at the office to inform her they were coming home.Once her BIL(younger ) called to tell her something..thats when i realised that never happens here and everything is through my husband,His sisters and everyone else communicate only with him.I am "informed" thats all.I have to somehow come out of this and be firm.Because whenever I try and bring this issue up he NEVER discusses it.He goes and sleeps or says "I do everything for you...so why should this bother you...I tell everything that is importanat dont I''...but what is really missing in the house is a normal house where a phone rings and anyone can call and we all openly talk about issues.Are issues in his family so unique that they dont happen in other families?? I really feel left out sometimes..Thank you all for yiur help and advise and for the thoughfulness.
     
  10. sasha123

    sasha123 New IL'ite

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    Thankyou for your kind words Innerbliss...helped me a lot to be more positive.Thank you blackbeauty84 and biryaani too for your kindness.
     

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