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My House Becoming Transit Centre

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Vedhavalli, Apr 24, 2017.

  1. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    That's so true. You have to draw the line and be assertive about it, or people will repeatedly keep crossing it.
     
    Sandhya13 and Vedhavalli like this.
  2. satyasrinivas80

    satyasrinivas80 Silver IL'ite

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    What is your husband's take on this, Vedhavalli? Is he as annoyed as you by this friend and his stay at your place? If so, your husband should tell the friend to hire a cab if he wants to come to your place. If you don't want him to come to your place, tell him to stay in a hotel.

    Learn to say NO!
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    If someone made aloo paratha and served with pickle, raita, and sambhar, curry, rice and pongal chutney for me after my international flight, I also would land up at their place again and again. : )

    j/k.. this guy is simply taking advantage of your hospitality. There are many like him.
    All those gentle hints you gave by being cool to him don't work on such people. If your husband agrees that this transit service needs to stop, then he can simply say no the next time. If he can't say no, the hospitality can be toned down. Ask the guy (or whomever) to take Uber or cab. At home, serve cereal for breakfast, and get pizza for lunch/dinner. No tea and snacks. But looks like your husband is not going to support you.

    So, it is up to you. From your description, you are the one doing all the cooking. And the rest of the hosting such as set up bed etc. Your husband has to just drive about an hour and back. Might be he even doesn't mind the drive as they catch up on gossip and news. Once the transiting person is in your home, you are the one doing the work. So, let your husband do all the hosting. First option is you be out of the house with child. Find some reason (however flimsy). If needed, tell them only at the last minute, when they are on the way home.

    At home, try to do nothing related to hosting. Finding pillows, sheets, arranging food, making tea/coffee, let your husband handle all that. Maybe if he has to do all that along with the driving, he will himself start to say no to such requests.

    Thing is that often men don't get the work involved in hosting a person, even for less than 24 hrs. Cleaning the bathroom before, cleaning it after, changing towels, the loss of privacy, kitchen sink always full, doing additional grocery... Men don't get all this. Unlike India, we don't have daily maid service for cleaning vessels and house - these things don't sink into their mind. They remember hospitality from how it is in India, and expect the same here. Most women do it effortlessly while also taking care of house and kid - so it looks easy. Let him handle it, and you be out of the house as much as possible. If child is old enough, leave child also at home.

    If yo do go out, don't do all the work and leave things ready before leaving! Just leave.

    Don't feel guilty. If people only want to use your house as a place to crash for the night, rent a car, and don't expect full service, you could be a transit center. Sensible people will make up even for the "place to crash" service with a gift card for the kid.
     
  4. cinderella06

    cinderella06 Gold IL'ite

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    OP my idea may sound silly but I have to tell this. Next when someone tells they are coming to your home tell then that you have started Bed and Brekfast. You thought of starting the business as already people think this place is comfortable. So you are offering airport service for a cost.
     
    samayal, sbonigala, Sandhya13 and 4 others like this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    What a simple out-of-the-box idea!

    One suggestion - instead of waiting till each person asks, and go through the unpleasantness of explaining to them, send out an email , bcc'ing all past transit service users, with a brief description of service being offered for a cost. Maybe say that you are doing a test-run for offering the service on Airbnb.
     
  6. penpaal

    penpaal Gold IL'ite

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    Next time when he call tell you got bed bugs . Then he won't take the risk to visit you.:p
    if it's a weekend or weekday you can tell him " sorry we got plans for the day . Outings , you got a birth day party ,pooja in Temple ..2, 3 times you do this and make him feel you are literally avoiding him . Indirect way of telling you stopped free service ...
     
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  7. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    I just wish Indians would learn to say "No". Why can't we say "No" to people? What is so hard about that? You don't live in India and you don't have to deal with any of the social opprobrium that would arise from refusing to feed and host this man. Next time he tries to visit don't open the door. Then, see what happens. Nothing. If you live in America, learn to enjoy the freedom that America offers. The freedom to say "No" and the freedom to look after yourself and mind your own business.
     
    sindmani and Amica like this.
  8. Sandhya13

    Sandhya13 Gold IL'ite

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    Wow.. This is an amazing solution to the problem. These people are coming to your place only because they are getting free services. Please consider this solution, OP!
     
  9. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Your problem is with your DH, not with your guest. Learn to communicate and negotiate with your DH. There are going to be a whole lot of differences of opinion in the future, the sooner you learn to talk things through, the easier your life together will be.

    Meanwhile, find a way to make hosting guests easier on yourself.

    Your guest is a childhood and college buddy, he and your DH have grown up together. Treat him like family, be informal.

    He has lived with you so often, he knows his way around your home; encourage him to help himself.

    Start calling him your BIL, and give him his share of chores. Ask him to help with the honey-do list that your DH hasn't yet covered.

    If you do this pleasantly, you might find yourself enjoying the visits. :)
    .
     
  10. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all, thank you so much for the wonderful ideas to tackle such users who think my house is a free boarding and lodging place, with free Indian food.
    @Amica , I have the person like my brother till last Dec, but when we visited them, they treated us so badly. I will write a separate thread on it.
    To save his money he can't cost me every now and then. Gas itself costs 60$...And parking in airport costs 30$. So his one visit costs us approx 100$. He will not spend a single $ on us. I know it very clearly. Plus he dint fold bed too. When we went to their home his wife came told me to fold. Mind you, I was still sitting in comforter, we had to sleep in living room with a baby. And she also told to wash the milk mug when my kid was crying, saying I never leave any dish in sink. Not a single time they cooked proper food, one time puttu which tasted so raw, one time stone idli with 2 days old sambar. Dinner I pleaded my DH let's eat out. They fed only at breakfadt 11 am 3 pm lunch. My kid then 1.8 yr old was Crying in hunger, I pacify with milk powder, fruits and bread which I had bought from my home. They dint even had milk because they don't drink often. But when stay here coffee n tea should be like Delhi tea shops...
    How can I tolerate more.
    Money, energy and efforts are going to save his money, plus he wants show off his friends, others. We are always at his service.
    They all expect restaurant type food like paneer, mushroom dishes, starter, 3 course full thali and dessert.
    I'm done with that person.
    I had severe jet lag, dint sleep one hr in 25 hrs flight, next day he dropped asked to prepare mushroom biryani, I did thinking my bro. But now I know his traits..
    100 $ per visit is too much on me.
     
    sindmani, saps105, Amica and 2 others like this.

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