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My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Feb 14, 2018.

  1. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    It is shocking to see your nephew's behaviour , that too when his parents are visiting them for the first time abroad. However, there appears to be a deep underlying issue between your nephew/SIL and your niece. Otherwise it doesnt make sense that they would even choose to stay away from her graduation ceremony.
    If your Nephew/SIL had posted here, it would have been an entirely different story from their point of view. Hence your statement - QUOTE Just wondering why its only our generation who are ultimate sufferers from both the previous and future generation.[/QUOTE/]
    continues , whether it is this generation or the next over the years. The only solution i can see in this is that each one of us learns to think from the other's point of view and accomodates and adjusts within relationships.
    Even that is difficult from my personal experience , in that, when i go all out to make my DILs parents and family , happy and comfortable during their visits to our place, my husband somehow ensures doing or saying something that will hurt/ make them think of a further visit. This, I do not know whether it is intentional or it is just lack of manners!
    So, what do we do in such instances? All in all, it is not an easy task at all - their are too many subtle ego issues at play here.
     
    Vedhavalli, Sandycandy, dc24 and 2 others like this.
  3. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Rihana, really liked the way you have put in your thoughts.
    My BIL didn't want to burden his Son/DIL so he ensured that he was financially safe , he had an international card as well as travelers cheque apart from 5000 dollars each which they were personally carrying.
    Son quoted reasons that he will be away on the days when these three are actually free for weeks sight seeing organised by Thomas cook, BIL himself offered to book for them but he refused saying this is not going to be their last visit any way and we can go later.. (this was booked in India itself). So my Sis and BIL just expected some short road trips which could have actually be possible.
     
  4. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    No they didn't some how it never worked out as their daughter was still in school or may be some other reasons

    This was their first trip to US, but as family (before Sons marriage) they made many international trips like Singapore, China, in fact there use to be a family trip at least once a year.

    No he very much studied at home till his engineering and also worked for two years staying with his parents.

    BIL and SIL planned it as they wanted to visit US and their daughters graduation was a reason, Son was informed about everything his parents planned.
     
  5. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Yeah, after going through all the posts may be all is not well with my nephew , or he might want his parents to spend more time with his wife as that girl is always with an attitude, after they came back my SIS has never called her DIL and vice versa, definitely its just ego clashes , that young girl is more qualified, very confident and still pampered by her parents, so she won't we think of my sister, may be just leave it to time for healing.
    I just don't want to make matters worse so been advising her to call her DIL just a casual call instead of extending this silent treatment
     
  6. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    My thought is someone needs to forgive in family. Just advise your sister to give sometime for her son and dil because happy people never behave like this. They are new couples. I believe kids will always love their parents. Ask your sister to detach for sometime and forgive them. When her son/dil calls her, ask her to talk positively without holding grudge. I understand the situation is difficult. Tell your sister to forgive and wait. When they call, ask her to speak positively. Positivity attracts.
     
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  7. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    Blessed, nice to see you again.

    I agree with others who have said that your sister should cool off from her son and DIL for a while. It is not at all appropriate that the son behaved this way with his parents.

    You mentioned that your sister whatsapp-chats with her son and daughter alone, and does not talk to the DIL. Perhaps there have been some wrong assumptions on the latter's part because of this? I have also noticed that families that have many sisters/DDs tend to be very close-knit, and this may have given some insecurities to the new DIL. Like for example, an innocent remark passed by one of you about her in the presence of others might have triggered some resentment. She may be thinking that you all discuss about her or are ganging up on her, while the truth is very far from that.

    All said and done, I would say that your nephew behaved badly in this situation. It is OK if his wife did not feel like mingling with her PILs; but he should have spent time with them.
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @blessed, son treating parents like this without giving a believable reason is bad. But reading a bit between the lines, looks like the main planning was done by your niece and her parents. Such as below -- the three made plans about Thomas Cook trip based on their availability, then told him the dates. Both son and DIL are working. Could their availability also have been asked before deciding dates and offering to book for them? The son can be expected to put all this aside and just be there for his parents in the U.S. The DIL might not take kindly to being a filler in overall US trip plans.

    Parents planned (with daughter), son was informed. Usually, the child or children in the U.S. will be very involved with the trip planning. There will be lots of back and forth via phone, whatsapp. From your description, looks like your sister, BIL are very travel savvy, able to do their own bookings and planning. So, maybe son and DIL thought they don't have to do the usual pick up, take around etc.

    In any family event, if some are mostly 'informed' and not part of the process before it, they can be a little cool about the event. Many of my nieces, nephews getting married. There is a difference in my response based on whether I got to know about it after match was finalized and engagement date fixed, or during the bride/groom hunt or convincing parents for love-marriage. The difference in response is not due to petulance, or expecting to know every detail about everything. It is just how family/relative interactions work. More so, in a family after a child gets married.
     
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  9. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Nice one Rihana, @Rihana I like your point of view in this issue.
    If both are busy and career conscious , that too with all those education loans and high living expenses sometimes family relations are sidelined.
    That combined with conflicts and communication gaps.
    Best way to sort this is with an open and polite discussion between the son and his parents , that way their expectations, limitations and resentments can be expressed openly to avoid future problems.
     
  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    If parents are making a trip to the US then it makes perfect sense to attend daughters graduation. Graduation dates cannot be moved around to accomodate DILs or sons weekend plans. Usually its the other way around. There are many excuses one can come up with to not be around ur parents on their first visit or attend ur siblings graduation and only one reason to be a part of it. Because u want to. Its unfortunate that it had to be this way.
     
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