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My Heart Cries For My Sis Who Is Now A Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessed, Feb 14, 2018.

  1. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP, My humble request. Don't take this kind of negative ego play advises. Your family seem to be close knitted and you seem to understand the situation well. Help your sister positively, don't aggravate the situation. You will get lot of advises in IL, choose advises wisely.

    Everyone make mistakes. When people come back to you, be ready to forgive without talking about bitter past. You don't have to let anyone take you for granted. Anger and ego play won't give your sister inner happiness. We cannot control other's behavior, we can control how we react to situations. Ego play or showing anger might give temporary happiness that moment. But it won't give true inner happiness.

     
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  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    When the people come back to you then forgive . ...highlighting your words .. My advise don't bend backwards and forgive without other person initiating it .
     
  3. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    You mentioned this:

    "If the son call , then she can let her disappointment known . He did this knowingly and don't let your sis bend backwards and set a precedence for future bad behavior from son and dil."

    This is not positive action in my opinion. If son calls and talks well, the mom should show her highness and talk positively. She should be a positive example. She should teach how to behave through her actions.

     
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  4. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Read the paragraph prior to the one you quoted to understand what I wanted to say.

    Hiding bitterness and talking sweetly with son will not resolve issue . Mother will harbor resentment for longtime and son will continue to misbehave .
     
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  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    I am 16 pages late in replying. How are you Blessed? Its been ages.

    Coming to the point, here is what I think. Just be there for your sister. Dont say a word. This is something that she herself has to figure out a way to deal with. DIL is here for life. It is in your sisters best interest to be in good terms with her DIL.
    Things like this are going to happen. When we visited India, first time after getting married, we landed in my moms place. MIL flipped. The expectation was that we land there at her place. Logistically, it wouldnt have made sense to land at inlaws. But she didnt understand. Point I am trying to make is, dont get hurt right now.
    let your sister process this new relationship and the new dynamics with her son. it takes some time. It will get better (we can hope).
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2018
    blessed, abla, sindmani and 1 other person like this.
  6. anuyogam1988

    anuyogam1988 Gold IL'ite

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    Why hide bitterness? Why grow bitterness in first place? If people understand the situation maturely, no need to grow bitterness. People need to understand happy couples/people don't ignore parents/siblings. If elders have that maturity, parents should wait (without holding anger) for the son/daughter to come back to them.
    I have seen many living examples...many good happy mils doing that. My mil is also a good one. I have seen how happy families forgive, forget and communicate boundaries.
    My argument is not with you. Discussing who is right and wrong in her story won't change anything. We can't judge people involved the story merely based on IL post. My suggestion for OP is not to take ego play advise. The reason for my advise is if I have a son and face this situation, my reaction to the situation will be different. I can see next generation mils will face similar issues like this, taking everything personally without positive communication in families won't help at all.

     
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  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Definitely support her and get mom away. That will give her time to talk to her husband and see what they want to do together.
    If you are anything like my sibling and I, she will give weightage to what you think. I had a rough few days with my child and kept wondering where I went wrong. My sister called and gave me a list of things that I had overlooked. Her perspective always helps me get a balanced approach. When I’m always looking at the negatives she sometimes points to me the silver lining. Now my mom on the other hand can aggravate things, add fuel to the fire and vex me more.
    So nice to have a sister like you! It’s a blessing indeed.
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Take it lightly.
    Don't get carried away specially when you and your sister are not in a good mood about all these happening around you.

    There are 2 different issues here. Don't mix them

    1) Your nephew's cold behavior towards his parents' first US visit
    2) Your nephew's changed behavior after his marriage

    The former is a big mistake. Whatever may be the reason, he is clearly at fault for being cold, and unresponsive to his parents when they were at his place - that too for the first time.
    He should have welcomed them wholeheartedly and treated this visit as a memorable one for all. If that wasn't possible for him that time for whatever the reason, never mind, he should have clarified the same with his parents, and made them understanding. After all, they are his parents.
    He was too irresponsible here towards his parents, and that is not acceptable.
    He must come back to them, clarify this and tread it carefully the next time should he wants his parents be on his side forever.
    Your sister will be feeling sad for this until and unless she hears some clarifications or apology from her son. This is normal.
    But once such clarification or apology comes, she should prove herself as the bigger person by forgiving and letting go this bitter past.
    As a sister, you must prepare your elder sister for that stage.
    That's why it is important to treat this issue separately and not to mix his "changes after marriage" matter unnecessarily. It can only fuel the fire and make your sister a bitter MIL down the line.

    The latter issue is not even an issue. It happens with all, and you and me are also not different here.
    Your sister must accept this and understand his son's changes with a bigger heart. There is nothing that she can do about it. She must let go of her motherly possessiveness at least by now to treat her son as yet another adult.
    The children will surely come around after sometimes, and value their parents the moment they become parents to their own kids. It is a slow process, but usually the parents will be more than happy to re-welcome their children whenever they chose to come back to their parents with love.
    So, your sister needs to hang in there, and utilize her energy with her other child who probably needs her mom more now.
     
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  9. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes Rakhi!
    Life has been very pleasant with me for the past 4-5 years touch wood!!! and so I am on and of this Forum,some times just a silent reader, to be honest after my MIL's demise I din't have any serious problems , my two Sisters in law who were creating problems even from long distance totally stopped interfering in our lives, so no issues in my life at all until this problem cropped up, though it is not affecting me directly just wanted our members opinion and suggestions and I am overwhelmed by our ladies tremendous response, each one have analysed the problem so well before replying, Love you all....
    This seems to been an eye opener for this generation MIL's and future MIL's how to limit our expectation and face the reality of life.
    Frankly!my older SIL who was so very mean to me and very very possessive of her brother( my Hubby) he was so influenced by her for more than 13-14 years of our marriage, but today I see her a totally different person as a MIL, she is being very sweet to her DIL, not at all interfering in their Son's life... I welcome this change though.. but surprised how she is a changed person today.
     
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