My friend's opinions and lies about her in-laws,husband is making me miserable

sandhya303 · Sep 3, 2009

Hi friends, I am posting here after a long time. This place has become like a place of worship for me nowadays,I come running here whenever my mind is messed up and am anxious.
I am currently pregnant and in my second trimester. I don't know if its the hormones or its just how I am but a conversation with a friend recently made me very anxious and I could not sleep all night yesterday.
As always I decided to write to you.I know my query will sound silly and not a real problem at all but its making me get headaches and sleepless nights.
I have a friend who lives in US as well. She told me yesterday about her other friend who's husband gave Rs 3 lakhs to his mother and the same amount to her mother to buy jewelry. She told me this is how it should be no matter what the financial status.When I told her no it's a little too far fetched for him to do that and he might have reasons she said yes he does but if your husband gives something expensive to your MIL, wouldnt you want him to do the same with your mother. I said NO I wouldnt expect,firstly because hubby is the earning member and its his money and secondly the situation is such that my parents are very well off compared to my in-laws.
Now she made me feel very bad about this.She said how can you be like that and how can you talk with this old age mentality.I told her whether her husband would and she said of course he should.She said my husband is out of control and I need to make him understand that both moms are equal.
Now the thing is I think she lying to me and I hate that. I want to tell you a bit about her life. She married 3 yrs back,she does not have a father anymore and still her husband and in-laws made her family pay the entire cost of the wedding about 15 lakhs,inspite of having younger siblings.
Later she came to US with her husband and he treats her like dirt,she cooks and cleans all day.Her in-laws came to US in the 3 yrs,3 times,once every year.Each time the son spent 1000's of dollars on their shopping.
Her mom who's a widow would love to come here but she hasn't and she herself told me once in her dark moments that her husband told her he does not want her mom to come here ever.
Also she keeps insinuating that her hubby doesnt care about money,its she who allows him to spend on his parents and so he spends.Its as if all the money matters she handles.She even says he doesnt care about his parents much. I mean what does she mean.
Yesterday when she was going on and on about this I told her would he do the same kind of shopping and sightseeing for his mom and siblings and she's like she does not know, but she says he's not like my husband(I dont know what he's done!)
She then tells me she buys expensive stuff for her siblings and he did not say a thing. Now just 2 months ago she told me she wanted to send money to her mom and her hubby said NO so she took up a work from home job so that he would allow.When she told me she sent money a few days after that and got gifts for them,I said see how nice of your hubby to let you spend so why were you complaining, and she said no now he allowed because I give him the entire $1000 I make with my work from home job,so now he lets me.
Her hubby and in-laws dont even like her helping the younger siblings with the family business because they feel the money would eventually go to the son of the family.
Now I know all these things because she told them to me,then why the hell did she make me feel so bad yesterday.

A little bit of about myself.My hubby is very supportive and he buys gifts for both my parents and his.My parents being well off have often given us money as a gift even after marriage and because I have a brother in the same city they live with him by choice more than with us,they have a beti ke ghar wali mentality.My friend makes fun of this as well.
My hubby's parents are retired and he sends them money now and then for medicines and holding prayers etc but not on luxuries. He spends on them a bit when we go to India on the house which I dont mind at all.
He tells me I can buy what I want for my parents when they come here or am there. He's basically a good guy but according to my friend he has it easy,he has rich in-laws who pamper him with gifts and hardly stay with him so he must do equal for both sets of parents.
These things went on and on in my mind yesterday.

The thing which hurt me most was her incessant lying about the goodness of her own life when she had told me so many secrets in the past. This is what is bothering me.

I want your opinion about what you think she's trying to do here?

SriVidya75 · Sep 3, 2009

Sandhya

Congratulations on your Pregnancy!!

first things first....this is the time you are supposed to take care of yourself and the baby...all your thoughts and moods effect the kid isnt it???

When you know for yourself...how good is your husband..why care about wht some outsider talks about?? whether your friend talks about her friends family matters or your friends own family matters..or your family matters....its none of her business or your business wht happens in others households....every family has their own way of handling finances...there is no comparison...

You have to keep your mind sane and healthy & fresh away from all these nonsense ramblings.....what happens in your friends life is also none of our business isntit??? if she comes and talks all great things about her life...listen and say you are happy for her....if she calls and says all unhappy and bad things...see how far can you listen..if you cant politely say..am sorry, am feeling a bit nauseated want to take a short nap or feeling hungry or some reason put down phone and switch on TV or lsiten to some nice music or read books on child care...why are you wasting your precious time and energy over some thing that someone said...

Think that she is just rambling her mind off thats all....so pay no attention to such ramblings...and dont spoil your peace of mind over what she said and analyzing how far is it right or wrong....

good thing..you know what your husband is...your feet are grounded...you dont have any problem with how your husband is handling finances...(THATS IT)....if someone makes comment about my husband....i would just tell them upright, I wont listen or take such things as I know what happens in my household and why it happens..no reason to explain or clarify to anyone else...not even to my friends or neighbours or parents...or siblings..

Malyatha · Sep 3, 2009

Welcome back, Sandhya, and congratulations!!!

Now is NOT the time for you to allow people like your so-called 'friend' mess with your head. That is EXACTLY what she is doing - MESSING WITH YOUR HEAD.

sandhya303 said: ↑

I have a friend who lives in US as well. She told me yesterday about her other friend who's husband gave Rs 3 lakhs to his mother and the same amount to her mother to buy jewelry. She told me this is how it should be no matter what the financial status.When I told her no it's a little too far fetched for him to do that and he might have reasons she said yes he does but if your husband gives something expensive to your MIL, wouldnt you want him to do the same with your mother. I said NO I wouldnt expect,firstly because hubby is the earning member and its his money and secondly the situation is such that my parents are very well off compared to my in-laws.

Now she made me feel very bad about this.She said how can you be like that and how can you talk with this old age mentality.I told her whether her husband would and she said of course he should.She said my husband is out of control and I need to make him understand that both moms are equal.
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Is she NUTS? OF COURSE your mother and his mother are not the same to him. Are his mother & your mother the same to YOU? Also, financially speaking, both of your families are not equal. If your husband gives money to his parents, then it is because his parents are financially not strong enough. Your parents, on the other hand, are better off than your in-laws, and, moreover, do not NEED your support.

Furthermore, your parents live with your brother. If you truly believed that both parents are equal, then, in all fairness, your husband should move back and live with his parents, too! Are you up for this? If you aren't, then, I'm sorry to say that your claims of equality of both the families is BOGUS. You can't cherry pick what you want to be equal between your parents & in-laws, and what you do not want to be equal!

This is why comparisons are wrong. Every family and every situation is different. It is what works for you and your family - there is no cookie-cutter, once-size-fits-all solution to the various extended family issues that we all experience in our lives.

sandhya303 said: ↑

She even says he doesnt care about his parents much. I mean what does she mean.
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She does not make any sense and her story does not add up. It is FULL of contradictions. On the one hand, she says that she is controlling the money, and, on the other hand, she complains that he prevents the support of her mother & siblings, despite their financial difficulties? That he is only now "allowing" her to spend money on her family, because she works from home now? Well, what does that tell you about who is really in charge of the finances in her family?

The story you are hearing is basically just that. A story. It is how she would LIKE matters to be, but it isn't how they actually ARE. She would LIKE to control the family's finances, but she can't. She would like to stop the support of her in-laws, but she can't. She would LOVE to splurge on her own family, but she can't. She seems to have a huge (and, rather, one-sided) wish-list, and what she is relaying to you are her wishes, not the REALITY.

Moreover, even if she WAS telling the truth - why do you care how her life is? What about her story is affecting you so much? Is it that you want your husband to stop caring about his parents like your friend's husband allegedly has? You are a mother-to-be yourself, Sandhya. Imagine how you will feel if your child grows up and stops caring about you!

Also, so what if she *is* the money manager in her home? How does that affect you? What are you annoyed about? That she is lying to you? Then CUT OFF HER FRIENDSHIP. Or, is it that you want to be the finance manager for your family and want to control your husband's support of his parents, just like your "friend" claims to be doing?

As I just stated above, do not compare her life and her affairs with yours. Each person and each family is different. Do not get into a competition about how has more 'power' within your families - it will only backfire against you.

Now, more than anything, you need to be peaceful, content and cheerful. You owe it to your unborn baby. So, cut off undesirable friendships and be good to your elders (in-laws & parents) so that you will get their blessings for a healthy pregnancy and a safe child birth.

Good luck!

reshsabu · Sep 3, 2009

Sandhya,

Congrats on your pregnancy !!
I know women like this who lie, get nosey about what goes on in others families and pass on this kind of comments to upset others.It is just silly the way she is trying to prove with all the lying that "my husband is better than yours".

I think, it is best to keep this "friend" at a distance. Dont let such people spoil your peace of mind.

Enjoy your pregnancy.

sandhya303 · Sep 3, 2009

Malyatha and others thanks so much. I hope I did not give the impression that I am jealous if her husband is not caring toward his parents.Its not that.Its just that she is such a good friend of mine so why did she give me two versions. I am just feeling restless to know what the real truth is thats all.
I mean she was so depressed that time 2 months ago when her husband said NO about sending gifts to her siblings and money to her mom so it sounded real to me. I explained to her its normal. Then she even said she took up a job so now he does not say much as all the money goes to his account. Also she works like a maid when her in-laws visit. She even has her unmarried SIL staying in her house so that the SIL can save rent money even though she has a job.

Also, my parents live in India as well,not with my brother.They visit US often.

ALPA · Sep 3, 2009

Dear Sandhya.

first congrats on your pregnancy. Second why are you letting this idiot friend of yours get to you, leave it. Don't let these things mess up your mind, you need to be at peace, don't let any bad thought get to you, think positive thngs and stay away from such people, if you can't when she is talking to you just listen from one ear and reomve from the other. Start listening to nuce soothing music for the baby and try to meditate you will be better of meditating as it is so good for the baby.
You know where you stand with your husband and your husband with you, everyone has a different way of living. let me tell you something people like to lie and they enjoy it so just ignore such people.
hope i have helped you.
love
alpa:cheers

Drpreethis · Sep 3, 2009

sandhya303 said: ↑

I am just feeling restless to know what the real truth is thats all.
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And ? Then what ? How positive of an effect is it going to make in your life, Sandhya.. What she does in her life and what she chooses to tell others is entirely her problem.. Why are you feeling ' restless ' about ANYTHING UNRELATED to you..

I would say, you respite knowing her nature simply wasted your time giving her loud-mouth a thought ! For what ? Why cant you just ' hear ' and leave. You dont have to ' listen ' to her, Sandya. She is not your husband..

She chooses to mix up things and do some time pass.. you just listened up. She probably knows your vulnerable, and she was right.

Malyatha is right.. maybe that is the ' dream life ' she wants to live in.. But since she cant, she has been fantasizing the entire story ! Now, leave her in her dream world, will you ?

Concentrate on what is IMPORTANT to you..

sonpari1000 · Sep 3, 2009

Hi Sandhya, if she is such a good friend of yours, why dont you ask her directly whenever she gives a contradicting second version of something - if you know that you would spend so much time pondering about it later.

Well, I can understand. I also have some 'friends' who pose things to be so perfect in their lives that anyone could start comparing their own life with them and think its worthless. I also dont know what the real intention is behind such rambling but I often think it could be that they just want to cover up for some imperfections in their life by talking just the opposite about it.

I am also learning to avoid such things from bothering my mind. I often tell myself that no two people's lives and situations are the same so there is no point in comparing.

Please dont lose your sleep for something like this.

feduptocore · Sep 7, 2009

sandhya303 said: ↑

Malyatha and others thanks so much. I hope I did not give the impression that I am jealous if her husband is not caring toward his parents.Its not that.Its just that she is such a good friend of mine so why did she give me two versions. I am just feeling restless to know what the real truth is thats all.
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Hey... she is NOT your friend!!! friends don't do this to each other.... get her out of your life real fast... Forget about her I'm sure there are better people around to talk to...
Congrats on your pregnancy... enjoy it!!:thumbsup
K

sandhya303 · Sep 7, 2009

Thanks so much for your replies and advice everyone.I have decided to just talk to her really less from now onwards.At least till I am done with having my baby. I dont want her to fill my mind with any kind of crap during this time.
I would request the moderator to please delete this thread if possible after a day because I am worried my friend or someone she knows could be on this forum.
I have another question about another friend (a very good friend this time) and I hope to post that here itself because I see this part of the forum is very active.

Thanks much everyone,as usual you have helped me out with your priceless opinions.
P.S. A special thanks to Malyatha,you have always hit the right nerve when it comes to my most silly questions. I noticed that even though you always give a generalized view about how I should think or how things should be, you also never forget to calm my mind by going a little in depth and addressing the silliest of my thoughts..Just wanted to say a special thanks to you.