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My crazy mother!

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by jmsd, Jan 4, 2012.

  1. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    I take lead from another thread where the OP was not very comfortable with her mother and am grabbing this as an option to vent about my mother!
    Yes my mother!
    Most of you talk a lot about MILs .Well I never needed one.
    When I was unmarried I used to think that I'll for sure get a great MIL ,which unfortunately did not happen.
    My mother is lady with a good heart but she has got an extremely bad temper.
    Ill temperedness , overexcitement and hyper reactions to situations are the hallmarks of her nature.
    Over the years I have learnt to deal with her .Whenever(frequently) she goes out of control,I start to control myself,my temper and reaction and the situation diffuses.
    However since I am venting about her I talk more than that!
    To command ,dominate and control others is her nature.
    Her intent to interfere in my married life was very evident but my cold response on that ,plus absolutely no feedbacks about my in laws to her dampened her plans.
    But she would unnecessary poke her nose into our business discussions.
    She does not have a vague clue about my work.
    Imagine you are tense about a particular business situation and she comes talks or suggests about something(usually filmy or dramatic) which would irritate you to your wits end,but still you have to control yourself .
    She looks after my kids when I am away for work for which I am immensely thankful to her!
    But as soon I'll put my single step in the house she 'll start complaining..he did this,he did that, he bit me so hard that I was about to faint, he took one hour to sleep,he exhausted me.Sometimes she really shouts at my naughty child but I choose to ignore it as children can really get on nerves sometimes.

    Overreactions..hmmm..to highlight this I'll just quote one example.One day my one year old dozed off in her lap as he didn't sleep well last night.
    She called me up at work ,sobbing and crying that something has happened to my son.
    I called up my husband and we both drove like crazy to the house and as soon as we reached we saw that nothing was wrong.The kid just wanted to sleep.But she insisted that we get scans and tests done on the child.
    We had to fulfil her wish.All the results were normal but the child had to suffer a lot of examinations and tests which many adults are not comfortable with.

    She is very proud of her cooking,too an extent that she does not like anybody else's,even employees who are professional cooks.
    I cook well too but when I cook for her ,she will not eat and fish for something from the refrigerator which is very humiliating.
    All the maids also get angry and leave because of her pestering .

    Ha ..at times she'll get so mad at my father ,me or my sibling that she would shout abuse at us and even wish us death.
    My father is a good man ,entirely dominated by her and attributes her behavior to over pampering by her parents which is absolutely true .she was more than pampered as she was born after a long period of infertlity. Also my father has his fair share in spoiling her by bending to her each and every demand.

    I know most of you will be thinking that this post is so sick and gross but at least there will be few who will know that this can be true.
    I love her like anybody else would love his or her mother but there are so many traits that are not agreeable.
    Again I chose only to vent out but feedbacks and suggestions if any (as to how to control my emotions further) are very welcome.
     
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  2. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    LOL..I think I have made first of it's kind post in this forum but then may be my problem is unique
     
  3. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    ur mom has become old.. y do u want to leave ur children with her? u shld hav sent them to day care..instead of thinking like this..
    she is concerned tht ur kid is small and fell off tht is y she got all the scans done.. anything can hurt the brain inside..
    if she is advising u on business plans then u can tell her tht u knw things better..thts all
     
  4. lochu

    lochu Gold IL'ite

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    hi jmsd

    feeling sorry for you .You are already doing to good job of adjusting with her .my only suggestion is that if I were you I will put my DS in daycare as children learn by imitating and you don't want him to be brought by your MOM who is control freak and he should not learn the qualities and personality from her .
     
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  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    If she was like this from the time you were born or from the time you can sense this type of behaviour....then may be the atmosphere where she grew up had that influence on her....may be her parents or her mom or some life experiences of hers may have turned her into the person she is now..

    but if you are seeing this type of behaviour from just past 5 or 10yrs..may be the midlife crisis or empty nest syndrome..or may be early PMS....

    you are already handling her well..I would suggest do not fall prey for her behaviour please...I mean you know how you should not behave with your kids..so keep yourself in check all times so that you dont bring in this behaviour with your kids...

    also sometimes if your mom can develop a friends circle or someone who appreciates her cooking or what she does at home...may be she may calm down...encourage her to start sewing or some cooking classes etc...I know its hard because such people cant stick to something for more than couple of days and people around them also get vexed up...but that doesnt mean you cannot start doing something or suggest something...
     
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  6. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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  7. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Dear,

    Of course your mom is a case of narcissism. But hats off to you that you have sensed how to deal with her, without getting confused and carried away by her thoughts.

    My sincere advice to you would be to make her work more easier whenever you find time and also to take your son to leave him in daycare or somewhere else where it is safe and comfortable for him so that your mom's tensions might lessen a bit. Its hard to change her, its only you who should find a way out to lessen any work to be assigned to her.

    Well, I think you cant satisfy a narcissistic person/mom easily. Its a very rare and a hard thing. Though they might praise others for some deeds, they really dont feel from their heart when they praise. That's what I feel. Everything just comes from their mouth. But they have some hard-fastened emotions, that they might burst anytime on anyone. Something always gets churned in their brains, they would be having an idea about everything and everyone. They form ideas soon. If a person is bad in one particular area of life, then according to them the person is mostly bad. They illmouth that person.

    Tell her some stories (Try to build up) of some old mothers who managed a situation so easily without making others tensed. And praise that lady while you tell. Do this once a while. Anyway, bringing a change is difficult, but you can give a try.

    My special regards
     
  8. jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks all for the feedbacks.
    I am overwhelmed by the understanding shown and positive remarks.
    I was expecting a lot of negative comments on my post.

    As far as leaving my son in daycare is concerned,If I'll do that with her living in the same city,she'll get very angry and I'll have to face many emotional tantrums from her side.
    I have tried to engage so many maids who can look after the baby and she can supervise,but she shoos everybody away.At such point she'd say ,"What is the need of a maid,he's not much of work for me!"

    Any how a sincere thanks to all who replied.
    @tashidelek2002
    Thanks for the helpful website.
     
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Did you try taking her ADVICE :)
    I mean suggest she is the BOSS and she can supervise and she can choose the maid she wants to hire...like a mgr :)
    maybe you have to butter her up well to keep her nice....tough job to deal with her..but finally when it is your mom...we have no other option except to try everything..and at their age..they wont be ready to go to a therapist to understand whys and whats
     
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  10. vini31

    vini31 Gold IL'ite

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    your post probably describes my situation with utmost accuracy .... only thing being I do not hv any siblings who share her responsibility, I lost my dad 8 yrs ago ... well I do not hv kids yet for her to take care ...though
    despite me telling her to come n live with me ... i do not hv my ILs ... my husband has np with her staying with us... she prefers her way of staying alone and harping to the whole world that I dont care abt her .... she has been this insecure n frustrated from as long as i remember ....but all this never stops me from doing my duty towards her
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2012
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