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My Colleague Is Torn Between Her Morals And Happiness

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by SGBV, Sep 12, 2018.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Come on girls.... Let's be honest and open here.
    No one knows who we are, so don't try to mask ourselves as if we are some pure goddess.

    To answer some of your questions...

    @Agathinai No. I did not tell her that I have posted her story on-line
    She has no idea about IL, and I don't want her to know about this site and my ID as I prefer to be anonymous here.
    Besides, she would feel devastated if she knows her personal story is published on-line as she doesn't understand how things work here or how secure this site is.
    So, I prefer not to share this.
    But I posted this to see how others view this matter.
    From the very beginning I did not see this as an emotional affair or cheating. Because I personally have had such relationships every now and then. But I had my control button, and was confident that what I do was/is not wrong.
    Therefore, these friendships did not affect my marital life. Besides, I have very fond memories with each person who shared a close bond with me at each different time.
    Some of them still remain as my best friends, and even family friends too.
    There is a different level of understanding we maintain. Gender doesn't matter here, as I had close bond with both male and female friends.
    I neither a lesbian or nor do I cheat my H.
    There is a fine line from such bonding and romantic relationships.
    I believe as a well grown up, matured adult, I know what is that line is. And even I can make the other end to respect this line should they want to continue this relationship.

    Nevertheless, it is just me... I know many people take it differently and they all have a point.
    Also, I wasn't sure how clear my friend is, and how much she is aware of this line.
    I wasn't aware of her relationship with her H either.
    Therefore, I wasn't sure of suggesting my views when she asked my honest opinion on this.
    Since she highly depends on me, as she doesn't have any close buddies as of now to open up with such private matter, I wanted to give her a very good advice.

    Possibly, we would re visit this matter tomorrow during our relaxed chai time at home. Now I am clear and see what I should talk.
    I really liked @Rakhii's ways of putting things. Also @BhumiBabe you sound realistic here.

    @ others......

    Please re read my thread....
    1. She is not busy and not with her family to give minimal to zero priority to friendships. This case is different. As I explained she is alone, with all the free time in hand in an alien city.
    2. It is not playing with a man's life as he is well informed and aware of her POV, and the possibility of not taking this relationship to the next level. He is not a child, but an educated, matured adult. So the choice is his
    3. About sharing this matter with her H. It depends how cool he is.
    And it is not necessary if she honestly respects her marital Vows and chats within limits so that no matter what her chat history can not be a problem (like not confessing her feelings, no romantic chat etc) in her marriage.
    4. Why so strict on ourselves, and complicate life. When life offers you a way to live happily during your down time, be prepared to grab it. You live only once. All you need is to maintain the boundary. Otherwise, all is well that gives you happiness. JMHO
     
    BhumiBabe and gorgeous23 like this.
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    And for those who PM me, questioning whether it is my personal story.... here is my answer in public.

    I already have an anonymous ID at IL, and therefore my life is an open book here.
    I don't have to hide under someone's identity to discuss my issue in this anonymous forum. I could very well do that openly under my ID here.

    Anyways, thank you for your concerns!!!
     
  3. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Exactly @mimi77 ; we are always worried about so many things; Am i doing the right thing? What if I am not? what if I am not but still want to do it? What if I am but dont want to do it? what if this? what if that??
    We seriously need to relax a little, get a glass of wine, and be more kind to our hearts. harmless flirtations will just remain that; they will 99.99% of the time will not materialise.
    Even the all consuming crushes will eventually wane, much like a moon that is full and high.

    I honestly feel emotional cheating is highly overrated. What exactly is it anyway? How is it harming your relationship with husband? The way I see it, it actually improves the relationship because you WILL find faults with the crush; not today or tomorrow but that day isnt too far. When that happens, your husband is the king; like he always was.
     
    gorgeous23, SGBV and mimi77 like this.
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    You are a good friend. You took time to look into the matter without judging her or giving an advise that you are not sure of. This is how friendships start :)
    Maybe your Meredith? Time will tell :)
     
    SGBV and mimi77 like this.
  5. Indeevara

    Indeevara Gold IL'ite

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    Each one of us who replied here has expressed our own take on this as you had seeked for advice on this forum. You are always welcome to accept whatever you found useful and reject the rest . I found this ‘message ‘ to the rest very demeaning.There s nothing ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in any deed for that matter and we are no one to judge those. The messages you ve read in this thread are merely each one’s perspective on this matter ,fair and square. As it is a public forum where you can expect replies of any kind its pointless to convey such messages to the ones who have replied to you with genuine interest. I don’t think anybody would have intended moral policing of any kind by saying so either. Apparently you ve taken them way too personal by snapping back this way. Sorry for bothering you!
    PS to others: I haven’t personally messaged @SGBV nor have I included moral sense in my reply .
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @Indeevara and those who liked his post

    I personally thanked each and everyone who replied to my thread in this forum.
    Though the decision is purely mine to chose what make sense to me, I still went on to clarify the others as to why i beg to differ and unable to take their messages.
    This is how the thread goes....

    However some people respond here with uncertainty; hence been too strict morally.
    And then they came for a private chat with me through PM asking whether it is my personal problem

    Since they think this is my personal problem, and so they relate this case with my previous threads where i discussed my own issue.. Obviously their responses are customized.

    This is problem of my friends, but someone PMs me and say.. Look you have two little kids and how could u do this???

    So, my comment, rather rude remark is for them alone.
     
  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    We all have friends and colleagues of both genders; this shouldn't be complicated.

    A simple touchstone for such situations: Does this activity require secrecy?
    If she keeps this relationship secret from her family and friends, it is with good reason.
    If she's comfortable with this friendship being made public, she has nothing to worry about.

    If a paranoid spouse is the excuse for secrecy, her problems are far greater than the existence of a virtual friendship. If her DH is unreasonable and controlling, she needs to work on her marriage or leave. Maintaining a clandestine friendship can be risky when married to someone with trust issues.

    This is cruel. Are we also okay with a married man time-passing with a single lady who is emotionally involved with him?
    .
     
    Indeevara, Sweety82, mimi77 and 3 others like this.

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