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My Colleague Is Torn Between Her Morals And Happiness

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by SGBV, Sep 12, 2018.

  1. niriha

    niriha Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    From the post I can understand that your friend is looking for friend in that guy, which is fine. But the guy slipping too emotionally is red flag for me. Though your frnd doesnt have any intentions of affairs, this might be a trouble for her marriage , If the husband comes to know. If he sees the chats, even if it is not private, he might feel possessive of his wife. does the husband know of this guy as her friend?
    I am not saying any married women shouldn't have a friend who is a boy. I'm saying the husband has to know about it , if he is a friend, else cut the friendship.
    This guy can be good or bad, he might make trouble or he might move on after your frnd moves to hometown, we don't know that. So
    Better be safe than sorry.

    Just my thought.
    Regards,
    Niriha
     
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  2. Gallant

    Gallant Silver IL'ite

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    Your friend is inviting trouble to herself. Knowingly or unknowingly, she likes him internally and so she has communicated with him in such a way that made him emotionally attached to her. But when she talks to you(SVGB), she hides the fact that she likes him or doesn't want to continue in face time, etc., she tries to prove you that she is 'good' and doesn't want to cross the line. I'm saying...she enjoys chatting with him.
    Women who truly love their husbands/family will never look for outside enjoyment. You can see in this forum itself who all have restricted access to all members!
    Those who have problems only will look outside. She is weak. These kind of women will easily fall prey for those who are on the prowl. That day is not too long, if she continues this.
    The thread heading should say...My Colleague Has No Morals. I'm sorry to say this, but that's what it is!
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2018
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  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with all the points( except last line about morals - that's too extreme ) . A woman who loves her husband never goes and chats so much so intimately with some other guy . Nor they feel need. We all maintain our boundaries just like we expect our husbands to maintain theirs . Nothing morally wrong with having male friends but there has to be a limit to what manner one interacts , and especially after marriage . Your friends interaction is not good , it means something is wrong with her marg which she is not ready to reveal to u .

    What is this so called spark . Married life is not just about dates and excitement . The beauty of marriage is also in the small responsibilities and sacrifices which increases our love .It is the bad social learning that makes her expect spark all the time and search outside . Why can't she work on increasing the spark in her own marriage . Already on a few month assignment she is getting tempted. That too at this age and with kids , when more maturity and self control is expected .

    As a colleague it is best for u to stay away from her personal matters .she may end up having affair with this guy and she may blame u for not guiding her strongly .Even if u advice her she will do what she wants to do as she does not seem to have enough self control . Better for u to avoid talking with her regarding this topic .
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2018
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  4. Gallant

    Gallant Silver IL'ite

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    Well said...nakshatra...one time warning she can give her friend...whether she wants to listen or not, its up to her.
     
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  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Shouldn’t play with ones feelings even if it’s temporary. Better to cut off such relationships.
    Will she accept if her husband would have done same?
    Speaking to a guy is not wrong. But knowing that the other person is very much interested in her inspite of her family , I don’t feel it’s correct for her to proceed
     
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  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Wow if her health is at stake alongwith her happiness , it's not some.harmless.chating. don't know where it is leading .


    Such kind of people always looking for spark never stable . It must cause great insecurity to their spouse . I can't believe her health and happiness now hinges upon chatting to this guy who she hardly knows . Does she not pity for her husband and kids far away from her ? And it doesn't make sense that her husband is very busy with his parents and kids and friends and relatives so he does not require her companionship . Spouse is spouse and indispensable . She needs to work on her marriage instead of trying to escape into fantasy dangerous world . It is a very dangerous path to tread.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2018
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  7. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Did lady Chatterley ever chat ? Or...
    Madame Bovary ever bother to blather about what she was planning ?

    The fact that the office colleague talks to SGBV, and SGBV knows the details to the extent of gastric problems (!?) and sleeplessness, I surmise there is no harm in the long distance chat.

    Given that infidelity is about as old as Marriage, if the scheme was to get involved to have an EMA, it is very rare for people to share their goings-on and secrets. After all, there is this philosophical notion: "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
     
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  8. Indeevara

    Indeevara Gold IL'ite

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    As your friend has seeked for ur opinion on this I guess she ll be okay to lend her ear to ur advices too. Whether virtual or real its better to not fall into such relationships; they would become an addiction slowly even before she realizes this. We belong to a generation which has seen a world without social networking as well as the virtual one created by social networks; sadly we are yet to learn to see a relationship merely as a virtual one. Probably the next generation would be able to do so but I don’t think any of us can.
    I bet for a person like ur friend who seems to be very emotional it would be difficult to abruptly end it just like that. Moreover its repurcussions could be worser. As it is the guy is in a very disturbed state , we never know what all that guy would do to get back her company . Pls ask her to not push him to an even more painful situation which is what she would be doing as per her plan. For the good of both of them its better to start to get detached. Better to not spare a happy married life for such trivial things which gives temporary happiness.
     
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  9. peet1983

    peet1983 Silver IL'ite

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    What I felt is your friends matured enough to handle situation, and I'm sure that such types of guys are very common in the social media and most the women knows to tackle them.
     
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  10. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    Ask your friend to maintain the friendship at a distance. She should just tell him about her feelings as just a friend. She needs to make a distinct boundary between friendship and family. Platonic friendship is possible only if she tells her husband and make herself clear with her friend.

    If the guy is not able to adhere then the onus now lies on your friend to distance herself away from him. She should tell her husband that she had found an online friend and that it is just virtual friendship. Most guys will be able to understand but the friendship will last only when there is a healthy marital relationship. If your friend had not told her husband so far that means she is not being transparent.

    Since you are a colleague maintain a modest approach in your suggestions. None likes intrusion in their personal lives. Since she had asked suggestions from you, tell her to be frank with her husband that there is a online friend. If possible if they are from same countries can introduce to her husband later as well. It’s possible to maintain a good friendship but that has to be from both ends. In this situation the guy seems to be emotionally attached as per your thread and your friend’s feelings aren’t clear to me. Such friendship doesn’t work out well.

    Everything is in your friend’s hands. If her friend messages frequently she can ignore, right. Make that friend guy realise his boundaries. She can be transparent with her husband which is definitely in her hands.

    Hope your friend gets some wake up call on how to set boundaries regarding relationships. Good luck to her.
     
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