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My Colleague Is Torn Between Her Morals And Happiness

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by SGBV, Sep 12, 2018.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Not sure how much it is OK for a married woman to give companionship to a male friend, who is unmarried?

    A married woman (my housemate here at my new work place) has just entered into a new relationship with a never married guy of her age through FB.
    He was a complete stranger to start with. However, there were plenty of common friends, and other identity to ensure that it is not a not fake IDs.
    Even his background shows he is from a well cultured family. But you know, you cant judge someone from their FB.

    It was an accidental friendship, where both the woman and men found each other as great companions within few days of chatting.
    The man seems desperate, as he lives all alone (no parents, no partner and in his mid 30s) and found her company like water in a desert.
    At the same time, my friend too was very lonely as she lives away from her family, and this was her first time international assignment.

    She is torn between her morals and happiness, and unable to decide which path to chose.

    She joined us only last month, and was crying all nights thinking about her children and husband.
    In fact, she had developed health issues like sleeping disorder and gastritis due to this stress. Some times, she even had high BP which made us worried about her then.

    Now that she says, she feels OK, because she could divert her mind from constant family stress to something relaxing like chatting with this man.
    In fact, I could sense that from her behavior now a days.

    On the other hand, from what she shares with me, I sensed that this man is slowly slipping emotionally here.
    He could not wait even 30 mins away from chatting, like college lovers he pings her every now and then.
    My friend is here on a temporary assignment and she would go home in December for good. She says she would forget about this guy as she would be very busy once she is at home.
    But nothing will change in this man's life even after December. So, how come he could stay away from this relationship?
    She is really worried about this, and didn't want this to be a problem in her marriage.

    I don't think that she is flirting. I don't want her to be the moral custodian at the cost of her own happiness and health either.
    She says that she refrains from face time and calls as it might further make her going close with this guy. Therefore she remains only with messenger chats, which makes sense.

    At the same time, I am concerned about her future if this continues...
    No husband will appreciate this, and will not understand the thin line she is respecting here.
    On the other hand, she can not guarantee how this man will behave once she decides to break this after December?

    Looks like she has communicated this to him, and asked him to consider her just as a time pass only. But she knows that he treats her more intimately.

    As of now, both of them are living in 2 different countries... But after December, they would be back in their home town.

    Since she has asked my opinion on this, I think I would be in a better place to opine if you all could share your insights on this, please.
     
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  2. Summasumma

    Summasumma Guest

    Has this got escalated?...meaning any of them proposed etc...generally having such good vibes during interactions necessarily needn't escalate and it will be a feel good thing and can give you fond memories...if that got escalated it is a different story...but the situation might not be ideal for married...but since it is comforting to her probably ok...i dont think she has to worry for him as long as it does not escalate...
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I've asked this question. She said that she sensed him wanting an emotional affair with her, which she rejected right away. He agreed to it, and hence they are continuing harmlessly till now.
     
  4. Amulet

    Amulet Gold IL'ite

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    People are never all that interesting in person. FB friends can link, embed, quote, and write complex stories etc. etc. and keep a person entertained. In real face to face meetings, blah... nothing. Cannot jump to the smart phone, and google something and hold up & show something on the small screen. It would be sad, contrived, and fall flat without any effect.

    The long distance-duo should be allowed to enjoy their time apart, being companions on the virtual heaven; once they get together in the same town, she will surely find out that he is a lot fatter than her husband, and not as interesting as well. All vill be vell.
     
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  5. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Absolutely not ok.
    Would she be ok if her husband did the same thing at home chatting with another unmarried female everyday?
    Her free time would be better spent talking to her husband or facetiming with family, in my personal opinion. Dont know what the time difference is, still.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This was my point. But not sure whether I was trying to be the moral police here. That's why I refrained from opining before discussing the same here.
    Time difference was a matter of concern, as her kids would be almost in bed by the time she reaches home.
    Can't always chat like this with hubby, which I agree. After marriage, the spark or something like this will disappear and it should be felt from both the end to revive that.
    I cant give her a judgment based on morality alone. Her husband lives with his family. Probably with his parents and kids in the same house, and friends and siblings living in the same town. So, there is no need for him to find a companionship elsewhere.

    In my case as well, I can't chit chat with H all the time as he is not just available. Besides, he doesn't see the need to be chatting with me on trivial matters regularly. We have grown too far from that now, though our love and affection remain the same.
    As for killing time, I would chat for long hrs with my mom and sister.
    Besides, I am a movie person, so I can very well kill my times with them.
     
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    She knows the right answer. She just wants validation for what she wants to do. Stay neutral.
     
  8. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    ur friend is emotionally stuck. if social network is used within a boundary, it will never do any harm. mind is a monkey. this is applicable to all. coming to the issue. in my opinion, it is better to cut the relationship asap with that person, because what is the need for that person to chat with a married woman? what is there to chat? what will be her reaction if her husband chats with an unmarried woman for emotional support and bonding? will this not injure her mind as if with a knife? same way on the other side....iam not finding fault. but an opportunity to extract the weakness of a person's mind and utilize it for one's pleasure through communication with a woman. it is totally not necessary. For Whatever reason, this communication is worthless and should not spoil her life at any time. .... just a friendly and casual remark from my side...hope u will not take this otherwise....finally i would say ...CUT HIM...CUT CUT CUT....:nono:
     
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  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Since you are professional colleagues, its best to not give any opinions on her personal issues. A woman your age, should be able to gauge all this on her own without any validation from a coworker. I would stay out of it if I were you.
     
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  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Finest Post Winner

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    Personally, I think your friend is handling this correctly, in maintaining a platonic relationship with this man. Married women don't need to cut themselves away from the world- and this is a virtual relationship. I don't see the harm from her side. She is lonely and enjoys this person's company - what's wrong with a friendship?

    But, this guy is getting emotionally attached and she should set stronger boundaries with him. She's not responsible for his feelings, but to be on the safe side, she needs to make sure that things don't cross the line - and potentially affect her marriage. I'm not saying that he will appear in her real life and cause problems, but that would be the only real concern.
     
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