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Mumma's Boy Husband Who Denies It...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Goahead, Dec 15, 2017.

  1. chandu999

    chandu999 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks...I am also saying the same. Today's wife's will be tomorrow's MIL so try to accept the fact.

    Once again thanks for accepting the fact.
     
  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry but I don’t see that in your responses at all. You put the entire onus of saving a marriage and family on the DIL. That is not fair at all.Nakshatra has made some very valid points here. Do you consider your MIL the head of your family ? Do you consult her before taking any major decisions ? I assume not. Then why should your wife.

    Also it’s not a big deal that you and your 19 classmates did not take dowry, spent on the marriage including transportation to the wedding venue. That is how it should be !
    If you base your comments on the experiences of your 20 friends, I have an explanation too. Is it possible that the rest of the 19 think exactly like you and place the burden of keeping the marriage and family ( pleasing the MIL) totally on your wives? Is it possible that all 20 of you are married to women that have independent thinking and refuse to blindly follow their MIL’s.
    As Indians we are brought with the mindset that our parents/ elders are always right. Which might not be the true all the time

    As for your suggestion about making MIL the head of the family, what if the DIL has her own brains that she wishes to use and live her life according to her wishes. I don’t encourage interfering in MIL-husband relationship at all but I don’t agree with DIL having to blindly follow the MIL because husband says so.

    So for once ,put yourself in your wife’s sandals ( not literally ) , maybe you are responsible for her being bitter towards your own mother .




     
  3. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Exactly. How can someone boast they did not take dowry! Last time I checked it was illegal, but I guess some people think it's some mahaan thing they have done..
    As if men marry women out of pity by not taking dowry...As if they don't really need a wife for any purpose but they are rescuing a girl's life by marrying her...that too without dowry!Marrying a girl is not a charity act that someone will boast they did not take dowry.
     
  4. chandu999

    chandu999 Senior IL'ite

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    Topic diverted to boasting....

    It seems like a childhood story, when question came as write an essay on tree, student strated writing about cow.

    Request you to understand the difference between information and boasting.

    Come across here people saying we are doing this household, job without expecting anything it doesn't mean they are boasting about them selves.

    We are against to dowry system so we won't encourage whether you say boasting or not.
     
  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    What is this concept "Head of the family"? Nobody should be deciding things for responsible adults.
    Married couple are well equipped to take decisions about their own lives, finances, by discussing with each other. Ultimately it affects them and they have to pay the price for right/wrong decisions. So why should MIL tell them what to do, how to do. Even if it's about how to cook/how to manage the house/how to manage her baby- if DIL is taking the responsibility, she has right to decide how to do it.No need for a head of the family to micromanage everyone, unless she asks for guidance.
    Same way son-DIL should not interfere in internal matters of MIL-FIL like how they should lead their life, their property etc
    Nowadays, parents are even giving some freedom to children to decide their field of study etc, and you are talking about concepts like "head of the family" to manage adults. Our society will improve if people stop wanting to rule over other's lives.
     
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  6. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    I do not deny your words. What you are saying and in the context it is said is true. But somewhere I have the feeling for other thing too.
    If forget about head of family concept then being an experienced adult ils always feel to suggest the best way as per their knowledge to do each of the task.
    Like we do with our kids. We keep guiding them but when they become elder they don't want to take our words but still parents can't stop to guide their children as they can't accept once very small kid has grown up. But if seen positively each of the suggestion can prove to be very useful.
    I personally do not like my mils comments but I do not like overdose of that. Otherwise if seen I learned a lot from her.
    I sometimes can judge how much i learned by looking at other person who don't have elders or do not follow them at all.
    Like once I went to my Hs friend house and his wife don't listen to her ILS. They called many people for the birthday party and due to some urgent work her ils had to go somewhere. After they left she was not able to serve the dinner properly. She just said I made food. everyone was getting late was waiting for her to serve then end up taking on their own. I don't know them much but the people who know were saying she will now understand the importance of her ils when they are not around.
    I am just saying that the tradition of girl leaving her house during marriage is not made by any of our husband's and his family. This is a trend following from a long time that has its own value involving its pros and cons. If we have to live with our ils no other choice is there then we can give them some respect and listen to them.
    Its not easy for me too to listen to someone but still I don't feel wrong about it.
     
  7. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    If a guy after marriage wants to be mumma’s boy then he shouldn’t have an issue when his wife is mumma/ papa’s princess....

    Most of the time, its taken for granted that a girl knows to cook well and take care of the house...

    The first and foremost expectation from most of them for a girl after marriage is to adjust and understand her inlaws, from day one.... well this doesnt seem logical to me...

    A man thinks his silence will resolve the issues, but he needs to open his mouth and talk wherever it is required, instead of taking sides, he needs to have the guts to say things as it is, whether it is a mother or wife...
    Unfortunately many men dont do this, as always they are good at blaming he women....

    Am sorry, if i sounded rude/ harsh, thats not what i intended to....
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2017
  8. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi @MonikaSG ,
    I'm not saying we should think we know everything, and not take guidance from elders/others. You are absolutely correct we have a lot to learn from others. I'm saying when one persona acts like
    head of the family, and takes final decisions for everyone.. eg MIL controlling the kitchen completely , FIL trying to control finances of the son-DIL, MIL dictating everything in the house, MIL dictating to DIL about parenting, FIL even sometimes Husband try to control wife's salary by assuming himself head of the family ... no one should take a powerful role like that, is all I'm saying.No one should take unilateral decisions about others' lives.. everyone needs space to breathe in a joint family then only it can sustain. I am not facing such issues in my life. But I'm telling in general, such things can happen if someone assumes himself head of the family. As for taking help, learning from others, especially elders have lot of experience. I'm all up for that- just like our parents guide us, help us, but never try to control life, same way should MIL-FIL be in matrimonial home.


    Yes, it's always the husband and his parents who want to live in joint family because it suits their interests and makes it easy for them. The tradition was made by patriarchy and upheld by patriarchal people. Whenever a couple tries for nuclear family, tradition is not complaining, it's the MIL/FIL who are complaining, so yes they are responsible for continuing this tradition.The least inlaws can do is appreciate the girl for leaving her family, to take care of them.They should make it easier for her, rather than always expecting her to change and adjust. Because they are in their comfort zone, she is the one who left everything.


     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2017
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  9. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Completely agree to you. That's why I mentioned other than head of family. No one can control life of other. If doing then its a wrong inhuman thing to do.
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    It was not such a disaster. Just because people made some comments does not mean that is true.

    Maybe she learnt her lesson and planned better next time all on her own .From my experience,I see that women who live in nuclear set up learn to run their lives in a more organised way faster because they learn to do it the way it works for them .

    It is good to learn from elders if you have the option but it does not mean that people who choose to not take their advice or do not have the option
    cannot do a work as good as them or better than them.

    I have learnt some things from my mom and mil .....but I have also learnt lot more things on what not to do by not following them .
     
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