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motherinlaw and sisterinlaw breaking my marriage

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sadlady, Feb 11, 2012.

  1. sadlady

    sadlady New IL'ite

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    Hi everyone...I'm married for 7 yrs and I have small baby.....my life is very miserable because of my narcisstic mother-in-law and her 2 daughter's....all these 7 years of married life have been very sad and painful to the extent that my eye tears have stopped...I'm getting mad now as I can't take this abuse and blame game....
    My mil and her daughters want to break my marriage...they think if we are divorced then she can take my hubby earning to fulfill her desires....my hubby is good son he always cared for thm fulfilled all wishes now after marriage when want to be happy they are against it....they have properties, mil financially secured but my hubby is not .....she want his hard earned monthly salary....for their selfish wishes they are abusing both me and hubby...
    As I stay with my hubby in abroad she does not like ....she thinks dil has to take care of in-laws not husband..when we go in India they falsely blame me and accuse me.my hubby use to keep quiet...then later they told bad things abut me and forced him to believe it and send me back to India....they want my hubby to send me back India and all his salary for them to construct a house for mil...mil keep pestering my hubby send more money...
    After all these years suffering nothing is positive,,,all my in-laws keep abusing on phone. or when we visit India...
    To other family relatives have spoken bad about me, like I'm very bad,taken their son, my parents are bad...my both sil also fight with us....very abusive language...
    It's an arranged marriage, they too are married and leaving happily them why are they hurting us...I'm going mad and mad here,they manipulative,blame game...all are one against us...
    Don't we have right to live our life,I have son don't I a mother,why only my mil is mother,she has all rights to be happy,they tell me a mother has right to kill her child,mother has more power than wife...
    I use to cry a lot as I did not know what to fight as my nature is not like that..I'm a educated women ...but none of my in-laws are educated...they tell my hubby that educated girls will not adjust,they will run away from their house,,,ask her to look for job as you did not do contract to give her food at timeo f mARRIAGE...
    now as my hubby is not listening to them they are fighting with him....sis fighting....my mil manipulates and cry...
    What should I do,,,I'm helpless as they are not accepting me not leaving Me and hubby to have peace...lately they are getting in touch with my hubby ex girl...from 7 yrs trying to break my marriage....
    I want peace in my life I'm very scared no body there to support us...they fight abuses badly calling bad names them they expect we should call them ask sorry and again they will abuse and fight....how long can we go through this ...its affecting our life as we are humans....
    Mil s narcisstic she wants all attention...she makes everybody to abuse us we r tired now..
    I hav son now can't go through this..if we stop talk they call us mother is crying when we talk mother blaming all time and want divorce...
    My hubby s 40 yrs I'm 30 yrs when we love each other why does his mother want us to separate just for her happiness...nowadays I'm getting very tensed ,feel like I should die or will get mad....please tell me how to stop them hurting us...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2012
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    FIRST THING toremember....

    STOP trying to WHINE about all this infront of your husband...amm sure he is already upset and tensed and annoyed with what all is going on...on one side his mom and another you n kid....so atleast try to keep calm...and be patient. do not try to complain or bad mouth your MIL or SIL infront of your husband as it would make it worse..and he would start thinking whatever his parents are saying is right about you!!!

    If this guy has not left you by hearing to his moms words...then he sure has some sense...so better be supportive of him...and do not create worries for him.

    Coming to you....its been 7 yrs you are married..by now you have to develop thick skin and stop letting all this bother you this much...You went on and on about money money n money in your posts....its just soo upsetting...because if you think allthis about your MIL I wonder if you happen to talk about this to your husband...am sure he would think you are there to separate him n his mom...

    Why your MIL does all this?? no one knows....it may/may not be about money....or you or your kid or your parents....so plssss try to be happyw ith what you have....you are in a diff. country...far far away from her physically.....do not let your MILs words affect you so much that at the end it may create rifts b/w u n ur husband...so better try to be calm....be patient...and if she is yelling....just let her do that...and you try to maintain your cool.

    If you are calm and cool and not taking all this to heart n mind....it wont affect your husband also..and you both can mind your business ie your marriage and end of the day...you both will be happy you will have happy marriage...but if you specifically want to make your MIL learn......or STOP all this....or talk back to her eetc....it would backfire at you!! so choose what you want.

    This time of the year is not to worry about inlaws....time to plan for valentines day!!! problems will be there for everyone...read other threads on the forums here....many are in the same boat as you are!! so take it lightly and move on...do something constructive so that all this wont bother you often....
     
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  3. sadlady

    sadlady New IL'ite

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    @srividya....
    I'm the one suffered here,,,I m saying money in my post because that's the fact...my mil is greedy women,she can't see her son living with hs wife and son...she wants him to be always be mamma boy....when my mil visited my place she personally told me come back to India so that my son does not have to pay rent here and expenses and send all this rent money back to me I want to construct home....will I not get upset for this. Why should I leave my hubby just for her desires.....
    She even tells my hubby that son gets wife to take care for their parents...when they and her daughters can live with their hubby them why should my hubby should leave me..
    It's easy to say anything but the one who is going through know the pain...7 yrs my hubby and me have heard her saying send money ...when we visit India she talks only construct house ,,when my hubby says he will construct when he can,for that she says leave your wife in India....my hubby was a mummy boy all this years only after my son born he is thinking about us and standing for us...
    Yes I understand we are far,,but mil has bad mouthed to sil ,fil,bil...so one by one keep calling me and hubby and fighting ...mentally torture...we just listen and try to justify,,,but no use,,,,in abroad we are alone,,life here is tough ,no social life,,,and top of this family pressure...how can one person fight with 7 people...we tired now...we need peace ...my hubby gave money to buy plot ,gave car to his sis by taking loan,gave vehicle for dad taking care all house expense...calling them abroad...shopping everything....but here in abroad we are staying in small flat,,we dont have money to spend on us...my hubby ex girl keep calling him .and now my in-laws are taking help for her to create problems ...what should I do...all these years I had patience I never fought with them ... Some point it needs to stop when when we take drastic step...mentally exhausted completely...
    ..I need to through their son past affair,tell his ex to be away ,but she keeps calling him and reminding him,,that took 2 yrs ,,then my inlaws torture started....you tell me if a dil visits her mil place with all efforts to make peace will mil show sons ex girlfriend picture when she knew there was problem in marriage...that too early morning when I got up...after 7 yrs of marriage why the hell is it required ...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2012
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  4. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hii,

    Your MIL is way too much..stop picking her calls.. how can she show ur hubbys ex pics etc.. be happy tht ur hubby is beside u..
    if ur mil calls your parents then tell ur parents to say this " stop complaining about our daughter if it your family affair and we dont want to involve or hear any thing" tts it
     
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    One question...yes you are the one who suffered all this and you are the one who has gone through all this!!!!

    So what do you want all ofus here to say??? if we bash your MIL left n right will you be happy?? will your difficulties become less?? will your MILchange???

    No one told you to leave your husband just because your MIL wants it....even your husband is also normal after all this....what does that say??

    If you want your married life to be happy n safe....you have to STOP letting your MIL and her words and acts affect you or your husband....if you keep insisting you have to taken all this......so what should anyone do now??? including your husband??

    I am suggesting you to cope up with whats happening and try to calm down and let it go....if not this anger, frustration and enemity against your MIL will actually do worse to you than good....(justmy thoughts...) I understand if you dont like my words...but when you are upset or angry..we all are here to listen to you..but when it comes to handling your marriage n husband you have to do it on your own...and when you keep getting angry n frustrated with your MIL it wont help you build a strong relationshipw ith your husband...because finally she is his mom...he will surely have some soft corner for her...you have to understand that...agreed she is bad...but finally she is his mom!!!! so try to be calm infront of him and dont show your anger...if he is upset n angry about her..just tell him to not pay attention and be happy for you n the kid and your family...you guys are living far away from all these influences...just remind him of that...and keep him happy n peaceful...

    When you are talking to her.....put the phone on speaker...
    talk only when your husband is around..
    tell him you will talk once in a week or 2 weeks so that you all can be peaceful
    As long as your husband is on your side and understands you ...thats all you need!! you dont need your MIL to like you or be nice to you...she can do all the evil she wants..but the REAL person who matters is your husband...dont focus or concentrate on your MIL..you will loose sight of imp. person...i.e your husband.
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    You have handled this for 7 yrs....what happened suddenly?? any new incident? would you like to share n talk about it? forget about the past 7 yrs....anything new that has happened thats bothering you???

    or did your husband say something?? or is it that you just want to find a way or solution for all this? or are you trying to vent and talk it out and share so that you can feel a bit relaxed??
     
  7. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    You seem to be quite disturbed. (at least you sound disturbed in your post).

    Try some yoga, meditation, deep breathing.....
     
  8. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    It is easy to tackle the tantrums of your MIL when they are physically away from you rather than they staying under one roof.. Imagine your situation if you were staying along with them...

    You should thank your stars that your miles and miles away from them.... I had to deal with a monster MIL for nearly 15 years until her death.. but I learnt how to live with it.. its our lives and we are the one who is directly responsible for our happiness... i use to avoid direct eye contacts with her... spend more time on my DD and work ( I wfh) and socializing which I think is very important... u are educated but why u didn't make any friends ... visit public libraries, yours sons school, meet other parents....

    You don't have to keep attending phone calls and take all their abuses... just let your DH talk to them and tell him end the conversation with out giving the phone to you... once in a month casual call is more than enuf.

    You have act smart here... u should be cool and calm with your DH... just tell him that if you talk to them you are loosing your peace and will be disturbed for the whole day.. sure he will understand you.

    And during your conversation with them u should keep telling something like your son loves his Dad so.. much he cannot miss him even for a day... and also gvg them hints that you and your DH are so attached ... etc so they don;t dare to call you to India...

    Live life for your self to, pamper your self like visiting a beauty palour... join a GYM for fitness... concentrate on your son... change your life style... keep smiling.. and happiness will follow
     
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  9. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP

    The one thing i noticed in your post and replies is that you use the word "we" a lot. That in itself is a good sign. Atleast you and your DH(we) are in the same boat and he finally sees the light. You have his support but unfortunetly might not be able to do anything right now. He has to have the guts to tell his parents and sisters that he cannot provide $$ like before. They might blame any change in him on you. They might back up for a bit and start again with demands. Whatever it is, your dh has to put his foot down with his mom. Meanwhile yoy Just avoid interacting with them as much as you can.
     
  10. azalea

    azalea Silver IL'ite

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    Sadlady,

    I understand that you have had enough of your in-laws. But you have to now decide what do you want from your marriage. A life of fights, lack of peace or one with peace. After 7 years of hassle, I am sure you must be mentally drained. I would be, too. If you want peace for yourself (the family's peace starts with being at peace with yourself), then don't let anybody's words disturb you. Even if they say bad things about you, does your value as a person reduce? Does your husband respect you any less? Why are you looking for validation from your in-laws. In 99% cases, it does not come. So stop wasting your life on them. Even if your mother-in-law asks her son to send you to India, your husband has not done so. That is a good sign.

    Don't keep thinking about all these things. They say that we make it true what we fear. So don't worry too much about anything, money included. Yes, I know you have a son and you need to provide for his future. But you decide at what cost. Just go with life's flow. We hurt ourselves when we try to fight the flow. It is just not worth the effort.
     
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