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Mother Wants To (waste) Spend Too Much Money For Religious Ceremony

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ATI, Oct 21, 2019.

  1. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all, we are planning a religious ceremony in the US and having my parents and DH’s parents fly here for it ( we are paying for all tickets ) . I asked my mom to buy a few things for the pooja that we don’t get in the US. Yesterday I asked her what it will cost and she said $10k. I was shocked and said no ma it shouldn’t cost more than $300 what are you talking about. She then tells me her list which includes new sarees and clothes for her self + extended family (even people who aren’t here for the function) . Then she says she wants to give x amount of money to certain temples in India because they are patrons of those temples and the priests expect it . I feel like she is using me to fund her good reputation in India. She also told me we spend so much money here in the US on things it’s ok for us to cut back on our lifestyle for a few months to do the ceremony the correct way. I don’t mind spending for ceremony as needed but I don’t see why I have to buy a 10000 rupees saree for my mom’s cousin whom I haven’t seen or spoken to in 20 years and who is not part of the ceremony in anyway.

    so I argued with her and she said “we spent so much in your marriage “. Here is the issue, I wanted a simple
    marriage but my parents wanted a big one so they can show off to all relatives . We actually fought a lot about it during my wedding because my dad and I didn’t want to spend so much and mom pushed for it. My mom bought a diamond set for the marriage telling my dad it was for me and she never let me wear at it. She wore it at my wedding and kept it in India afterwards. Once when I asked her if I can wear it for a function she said I will get it after she dies !!! the only thing I had asked for at my wedding was this saree for the reception that cost 20000 rupees and my mom refused saying it was too
    expense . Even growing up she was so strict about spending money and I am upset that now she feels like she can spend because it’s my money and not hers. She has always been partial towards my brother and used to openly say he will take care of us in old age and you will go to your ILs . So they would get my brother whatever he wants and everything I had was a hand me down , clothes, school bag , shoes everything. And now my brother has become a selfish spoilt person who doesn’t even visit my parents ( he hasn’t been to see them in 3 years). Forget him taking care of them. When we visit India I pay for everything, even groceries. And btw my parents are very comfortable financially. They own 3 houses (live in 1 and rent the other 2. I helped them buy the rental properties so they are financially secure). I send them money often and support them in every way.

    I don’t know what the point of this is - just a vent I guess . I am so upset that my mom wants to live a fancy life on my $ but she didn’t want to spend any money on me as a kid because she felt I would get married and go to another house.
     
    Vaikuntha likes this.
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  2. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    You can get the items you need couriered from India for much lesser amount. I read as 10k rupees initially and thought it's so less for a moment. Realized it's $10k and I'm in shock. I think you can conduct a decent wedding in India for $10k. Please don't entertain this kind of behavior even if it's your mom.
     
    MalStrom, KashmirFlower and Vaikuntha like this.
  3. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    Sometimes, even mothers can be selfish and act out as selfish or mean person.
    After all, moms are people too!
    They have any or all bad behaviors. In India, we don’t see very many openly abusive mothers because of society pressure. Mothers are put on pesdestal and then, all mothers make themselves pedestal worthy.

    If you feel that were treated wrongly, then you were.
    If think, she is wrong now, then she is.
    Save your money, it is needed in old age. $10k is big amount to be spent on puja items.
    In future also, trust your instincts and tactfully deal with parents regarding money matters.
     
    Vedhavalli likes this.
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    "Hi all, we are planning a religious ceremony in the US and having my parents and DH’s parents fly here for it ( we are paying for all tickets ) ."

    That is how the $10K got started. When four tickets can be arranged like lah-di-dah.... the OP had left her parent imagining that her child is loaded with lucre.

    When the two sets of parents are in the USA, one set is going to brag to the other set that their child spent $10K on the desi purchases for the festivities, and point out whatever contrasts there could be. Ceremonies where we gather are usually spiced with givings and misgivings. Fun fun fun.

    I request to hear about it in a subsequent episode.
     
    yesican likes this.
  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Looks like your mom has always had a grand plan to enrich herself at her kids expense. Initially her hopes centered on bro but he has wised up to her. How do you know he is selfish and doesn’t call? Through her only, right? Talk to bro directly. You will find he is calling and doing all he can but mom is not satisfied.

    Her grand plan sounds a bit hinky, to me. How do you know she is actually going to give the money to the temples or to the relative? It seems she’s currently playing out the sequel to your wedding aka ‘diamond necklace, part deux’. It is good you are wary.

    Talk to your in laws and ask them to bring the goods. Make all the arrangements through them. As soon as possible call your mom and tell her clearly not to buy anything. Unknown to you, your h already made the arrangements for the materials so you really don’t need her help any more. If she brings up the temples and relatives say you want to think about it. If needed, you would like to personally make the donations and gift the relatives on your next India trip. And that she is not to trouble herself. Be explicit that if she has already made any purchases (she may well claim she has!) she is to return them and that’s on her really. You are not going to pay for it.
     
    MalStrom likes this.
  6. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    You may turn out to be right, but those are interesting assumptions - especially that bro does not talk to her (or talk to her about mom when he does talk). The other thing is you assumed the bro is surely doing 'all he can'.
     
  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Just say "No." Learn from your mother, @ATI.
     
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  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmm... Good point.
     
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    In the interest of making myself clear, I would like to amend line 1 of my post above. I take back what I said below for I really have no proof of that.
    What I really meant to say was:
    ———-
    OP,
    Your mother seems to view these kind of occasions as excuses to brag and show off by insisting on the purchase of useless but expensive items (and ultimately benefit herself) at the expense of the nearest patsy. Earlier it was your father, now your turn.
    ————
     
  10. meVaidehi

    meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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    A few things here
    1. Tell mom clearly that spending on wedding was her fancy not yours. Don't bring it up ever again.
    2. Try making a list of things you actually need for the pooja and buy them online Amazon eBay India to be delivered to someone else like a friend cousin who would then parcel it to you. Pay them the cost of shipping. Tell mom you will handle the pooja your way she doesn't need to bother just come and join you enjoy the celebration.
    3. Tell her you will decide on temple donations, gifts to relatives as per your choice, availability, funds. You will do that personally when you visit. She doesn't need to think of all that.
    4. I understand times like these bring out all the past memories. But this is not the appropriate time. Parents are coming on your invitation to celebrate something special in your life. Let it be a time making beautiful memories. Bringing these points however valid, in discussion now will only spoil everyone's mood and make things awkward. Leave it for another time.
     
    Amica likes this.

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