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mother staying alone

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by lekhas, Jan 6, 2011.

  1. lekhas

    lekhas New IL'ite

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    hi friends,

    my mom is staying in a flat alone. i have a sister and we are staying in a different place far away. my father passed away few years back.
    mom comes to us and stay for 2-3 months and go back and stay in her hometown flat for few months and again come to us.
    when she stays with us she picks fight with us and blames us on small things from vessels to the place we are staying not good , how we are looking after the kids etc etc.
    but when she is alone she is very disturbed and talks depressed on phone and says irritating words.she have friends and other family members staying nearby her place.

    what we should do? really lost peace of mind

    lekha
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2011
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  2. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    You should make her stay independent near to your place. Find her a house near by your place or your sisters. You/she can visit each other whenever required. Might be she is also feeling bored. Help her finding some activities that she might like.
     
  3. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    i have similar problem lekha
    my mom wont leave the house she is in..neither comes to stay along with me as inlaws also are with us..hope you get some good suggestions here so i can also work on it
     
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    lekha, how old is your mom? The reason I am asking is, once people cross 80 years of age, they some times behave like a kid throwing tantrums. Its natural.
     
  5. lekhas

    lekhas New IL'ite

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    hi friends,

    thankyou for taking time to giving suggestions.she is 60 years old .but have diabetics.
    she won't listen to us.not even getting a mobile which i was ready to buy for her so that we know where she is if not at home for long time.but she is telling mobile is very difficult to keep:rant.not joining any meditation classes suggested etc.
    i don't know what to do
    lekha
     
  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel that she is lonely , try and get a reliable maid for her. Apart from doing the housework she will also act like a companion , accompany her to doctor for check -ups, walks , be with her for shopping etc.
    This way she will be getting human contact and will also be looked after.
    Stay with her for a few weeks and accompany her for walks, meditation classes , she will make friends and later continue on her own.
    Get her mobile pouch which she can use when away from home.
    PS - Its very difficult for a anyone to live alone after years of married life and togetherness .
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2011
  7. vjbunny

    vjbunny IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,
    Losing your father must have been unbearable to her n feeling very depressed n insecure.... You need to take her to counselling first then you can find a solution when she can think properly........
     
  8. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    hi lekha,

    your mom has lost her partner after many years of being together. besides, she has lost him pretty early on in life.

    same was the case with my mil. she was 60 when fil passed away. it took her about 7-8 years to come back to normal. she lives all alone in her own house. she is now 70, but has interests like cooking, gardening etc. my husband goes across to check on her every weekend. she stays about 15 kms away from us.

    would your mom agree to move into a flat nearer to your house? or if you are not staying with in-laws, do you have enough room to give her, where she can stay, do her own cooking, while being with you, but still independent? that way you could supervise her medication too. this way, she will have her independence and be near you too.

    if that is not possible or she is not willing, may be you could talk her into moving into a retirement community, where she can have her independence, there will be other people of her age around, and they have full back up facilities such as doctors, handy men to help with any repairs etc. normally there is an arrangement, that if they want to cook for themselves, the facilities are there, if not they can get food in the mess.

    it is hard at this age to suddenly develop new hobbies and interests. in a community of this sort, they would have their bhajans, and other activities normally enjoyed by elders and also she can have company. this way, you could also be peaceful that she is happy and well taken care of. there is such a home in coimbatore. you can also go and stay with her whenever you feel like. in short it is just like being at home, but in a community.
    basically you would have to scout around to find a nice place. you could find the info on the net.

    in the meanwhile, you will just have to be patient with her and whenever she gets too difficult, you will have to overlook certain things. it is very tough, but that is the least we can do for them. bringing us up couldn't have been too easy either!:)

    my mom aged 82 is now staying with us. she wants desperately to stay by herself in her own house, but since she is suffering from considerable memory loss and is on medication, it is now out of the question. she is hyperactive. with her around, i get a complex :hide:. this can be quite tough, because she insists on doing something or other in the kitchen. as she has no other interests and needs to be kept mentally occupied i allow her to. she keeps misplacing things and then says she never comes into the kitchen, though she is there almost all the time. she keeps after the maid servant and cook, complaining all the time about them. i have to draw a balance to make sure they do not quit. it is not easy dear, but then this is a labour of love, and we are blessed to have this opportunity to take care of them, although we can never ever repay all that they have done for us.

    all the best.
     
  9. lovers

    lovers Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Lekha ,
    she had lost ur father so no one to share her feelings so this is the time ... u need to lend ur supporting hand to her .... some times out of frustration or the situation we tend to behave the other way iam sure thats the reason u could see similar behavior in ur mom if u give helping hand at those times it means a lot to them and feels like some one is there to care for her .......

    tell to her calm n soft tone that ur worried abt her and wants her to have the phone and tell the usage if she is not aware as flower lady suggested get her the pouch and ask her to use it so that it would be useful for u guys to make sure she is doing good ...........
    just a little warm and friendly talk makes all difference .....
     
  10. GeethaMR

    GeethaMR Silver IL'ite

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    Lekha, get her a simple mobile phone. If it is large touchscreen, then better. Load a lot of songs, devotional and others in it.
    *Introduce her to web browsing
    *There are simple touchscreen lasptops and PCs for senniors. At least HP has one called HP Touchsmart.
    *Join her in a weekly massage for oil. It will help remove anxieties and toxins from the body. Ver necessary at this age.
    *Visit her often and try to talk only her topics. Do not bring in topics which your mother will not like.
    *Also provide her some Ayurvedic rasayans. This will lift her mood, keep her healthy and control diabetes as well.
    *Buy her a juicer and ask her to trmove juices of Indian gooseberry or amla everyday and drink.
    *Provide magzines to her. DO NOT subscribe them, as the courier boys will come to know that there is a single person living.
    *There are magazines for seniors as well . Google for "Eternal Solutions: India's first manual of Life Magazine"
    *See what other activities interest her, ex reading Kural or Geeta. Try to make time and join in or introduce her to it.
    *Provde a home trainer for yoga. A lady i know has a yoga trainer coming in three days a week, cost is Rs 3000 per month.

    Take care...

    Geetha
     

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