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Mother Of Me Vs Mother In Me

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Reesha, Sep 1, 2019.

  1. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    I didn't expect i will face this type of guiltiness in my life. its not about financial things.

    i married 9 yr ago, and came to city which requires overnight journey from my parents. luckily i have 4 hr flight journey to my parents place. now i have 5 yr old 6 months baby. with recent long staying along with my parents after delivery i came to know that they are not energetic like previously in both way MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY. they are not telling outside but they need support.

    me and my younger bother are responsible for their care. but still my brother is in job search in another city and not yet settled, he is unable to take care them closely. as a daughter i want to care them which will give tons of satisfaction. Specially in case of my mother, she is mentally expecting my company. even though i am communicating daily via phones and video calls, i am feeling very guilt that i couldn't help her physically when she feels low at her work in home. i tried to hire bunch of maids for all of her works when i am there. still she hates to manage them. she needs some one like me who can closely monitor her needs mentally and physically. but who else can fill daughters position?

    still my parents are in government service, and still there is 7 yr there to retire for my mother.so they cant move to either my city or my brothers city.So i decided to take journeys in between my home(in-laws staying with us) very often like every month or 40 days. but my elder kid is school going. i dont want to care my husband/in-laws feelings or their problems about my decision.

    but i am caring about my UKG kid who is eczma and mild asthama patient. he needs extra care comparatively to normal kids. i am feeling guilt inside about leaving him with my husband and inlaws. as a mother i should take care of his smooth feelings as well. ofcourse my husband is taking care him, but with orders but not with lovely, bubbly smile. my husband dont have sensitivity in handling kids. coming to in-laws, they will take care kid like a duty servant but not as grand parents. they too dont have skill to handle toddler like by telling stories or playing activities.

    i left my kid along with in-laws for a month while i stayed with baby at my parents place, i observed my all-time sick MIL became active(no-option for her) and started doing cooking for my kid. but observed lot of pitfalls in her management. for example my kid likes Dosa, so my MIL is feeding dosa every day even for continuously for a week. she dont care how his diet should be balanced with veggies. reduced lunch box quantity to half daily to save wastage which my kid may left some times, and providing boring snakcs daily like apple or biscuit only. my kid is picky eater. i guided her lot. still she is on her way. i knew she cant be like me. so its really hurting me now my kid is missing me as well as i am missing my kid when i am not with him

    at same time my mother also missing her kid thats me. i am getting my mothers pain now because i knew that pain as a mother.

    i am banging my head now how to solve this guilt in me?
    i want to take care my parents physically but i have to take care my kids also.

    i chosen freelancing to balance family life. but until my 2nd kid turns to 1 yr, i mean as a self entertainer i want to take care of her fully, so until that time i will not get time to start my career again. so right now i am spending my savings which i earned while i worked.
     
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  2. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    Count your blessings lady.
    So far I know there is an option of taking voluntary retirement in government jobs, so your parents can retire.
    Your MIL has become more active in your own words. She is not complaining. Still you are unhappy with her.
     
    Afresh and SinghManisha like this.
  3. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    As a daughter you are seeing your mother's low energy levels and jow your parents are not that energetic now but why are you not thinking that even your inlaws are also more or less around similar age as your parents are.
    Even your in-laws may not have energy to run around your toddler like how as a mother you would.
    I think you should lower your expectations from your inlaws. That she is still cooking and feeding your elder kid is commendable.

    Many mil wont even bother to cook and will pretend to be ill to avoid doing work.

    I can understand your concern as even I many times feel bad that why we daughters daug to stay away from parents while sons get privilege by default to stay with his parents.
    Indian society wont change even after 100yrs I guess. Though its in our hands to change it but often we are held up or tied up by so called old traditions. I try to break those stereotypes but end up being labelled as the "educated today's woman with full of ego who doesnt does of husband nor his family..." Etc etc.
    I still dont bother though and I do what I feel is right.

    Coming to your issue,
    You should 1st take care of your elder kid as at that small age, he needs a mother more than anyone.
    That too with the health conditions that you mentioned.
    Please be strong and take care of your both kids and yourself 1st.
    Keep talking to your mother and video calling every day as you used to do.
    Yes it wont reduce the physical distance nor give that satisfaction of being there but this is what you can do right now.

    Go with your kids to your parents place once a month and stay for 3 or 4days or atleast 2days.
    Yes journey maybe tiring and financially draining but you need to let go something to gain something right?

    Also why are you using up your savings? Ask your husband to spend. That's your money too. Kids are his responsibility too and so are you to him.
     
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  4. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    Who said she is not complaining. I have done enough service to her in past 8 years. Now I left them for their own fate because after my surgery I came to know that it's waste of do service to them who will expect service from DIL even she is on bed.

    I don't want to specify about their nonsense hear
     
    PurpleRoses likes this.
  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I am thousands of miles away from my aging parents. I help them with their medical decisions, financial decisions over video/ phone calls etc. I spend 3 weeks with them every year and take care of other things. I know of others that live next door to their parents and don’t help out with anything. I don’t claim to be better than them but my point is : you can take care of things being away from them.

    Accept the fact that your parents are aging. Health issues are a natural part of old age. You help them and also live your life. There is no need to guilt yourself for living your life.

    Why is your husband not taking care of kids while you are away ? It is his responsibility to look after your child’s needs, not your MIL’s.
     
  6. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Your mother's pain is not the same as your pain. You have a young child who depends on you and your husband to take care of him or her. Whatever help you get from in-laws can be counted as bonus only. Work with your husband to take care of your child in your absence.

    Coming to your parents, make them go through a thorough health check. Tiredness at the age of 53 is not normal (assuming 60 as retirement age) . Your mother will miss you when you are away and you her. It is normal.

    When you have a young family dependent on you, the order of priority would be your kids, your husband, your parents, your in-laws. When there is a health issue that needs to be attended, the priority changes for required duration with support of spouse. Sick parents take priority over healthy children.
     
  7. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

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    Do you notice the reply to your questions lies in your observations,
    You should actually also create a situation of no-option for your parents to see whether they also change similarly as your MIL did .
    And the best thing that you do with your in laws is not feel guilty to burden them or point out their shortfalls but the same yardstick fails to apply i n your parents case?
    Maybe your MIL is much younger than your mom?
    :rolleyes::rolleyes:
     
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  8. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    Ok. I can understand your point. You are making such conclusions because you were not aware of persons time table in my case. But can't support that. Because my mother is employee and she don't have any single maid at home. So my mother already don't have option to escape from house hold works and cooking. But in case of my MIL she had a cook, cleaning maid and a DIL who manages maids. Cook was unable to catch early morning before my kids start. So MIL started working for 3 hr now on every school day. Remaining 21 hr is her rest time only. But incase of my mother her rest time is 10pm to 5am. Remaining total time she is on house hold works. So now tell me really who needs my help
     

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