Mother in law controlling husband

Re: MIL controlling husband

I really dont understand how a woman raised in US is so submissive..
clearly shows the role parents play in a life ..in the sense you are not confident enough to stand against wrong....I still cant believe you underwent all the abuse and still not complaining.
Is this marriage so sacred to you? I dont think it is worth it though

 

Prabhjyot

As much as I feel angry and frustated reading your post, I can't help but think that you and your parents are equally responsible for this.

I felt so disgusted reading after your post that there are people like this in India. Your parents are oldfashioned, this can be seen from the fact that even after you telling them what's happening - they want you to continue in the marriage
You are raised in US. Your parents have obviously stayed here for many years but the thinking is same old indian way.

You got married in arranged marriage to a guy in india. I am sure your parents knows the boy's family from many years and thats how you got married in that family. I don't understand thay are having a good life in US and they married you to a guy who is in India and you have to leave US and stay with your inlaws and their family members in India..I mean thats so mean of them. I just can't digest this.

Your life obviously was hell over there. No privacy. When you said about the sex thing. I felt like throwing up. Your husband keeps you naked all night?? What the hell?? and your father in law comes without knocking in your room.. This shows the cheap mentality of these people. This also shows how women are treated in villages in India in rural parts. They are treated like nobody. Your husband obviously just wants your body nothing else
Your husband is inteersted in his Green card and once he gets it he will move on with his life. Where will you go? You have a son to look after. Your husband for me is one selfish SOB.

I would advice you to get out now. You say life is better now. Beatings have stopped after you called cops. But this does not provide you solution.

 

SV,I merely wanted to suggest she take some action as to leave him for a while with the kid to see whether he regrets his actions. I also strongly feel he shud take initiative in his wife and kid rather than filling his parents accounts.
Prabhjott,I never saw anything where your husband showed his love to you.His parents doubt whether this kid is his.Pardon my language,but what is keeping you in this marriage.Please do not tell your kid is the reason.Do you want your kid to see such a dysfunctional marriage.Good Luck.

 

Re: MIL controlling husband

Hi Prabhjott,
Think twice. Do you definitely need such parents help? Do you have any good friends who can give you the emotional support? Dont screw up your life trying to please your parents. If they really love you, they may resist your decision but eventually come around. Dont underestimate yourself and lose your self worth.

 

Hi Prabjyot

I agree with you - Divorce is not an option. You are working so I would suggest you should concentrate on your work. I think it will keep you busy so that you have less things to worry about.

Try to take your parents in confidence and tell them the real facts ( I am sure you have already told you and they might have said " forget it. Just try to mend ways and be a good daughter in law"), but try to call them and be in touch with them every now and then and point out that you are trying your level best. Its your inlaws and husband's relatives who are creating the problems. Once they know, ask them to talk to husband's parents in india casually, meybe make them happy by sending some gifts etc etc.

The main thing over here I think is to have a good thinking going between you and inlaws. I am sure you are doing all the right things. Try your level best and I am sure god will help you. If it does not help, then you can take a decision after that.

Try to talk with husband and try to make him aware of things, try to make him aware that you guys should plan for your future as well because at the end of it, its you, husband snd kids that matter. It may take time but I am sure you can do it.

 

Hi Prabhjot,

Your story really scares me, because at some level, I feel like I could have been in a similar situation (not to the same extent, but also in an abusive controlling family). And like you, I too am born and raised here, yet at one point I also tried to become quite submissive and almost married into a controlling family. I don't know if my fiance would have been physically abusive, but I do know that "beating" was common in his family.

I understand what you are saying. Its much easier perhaps for third parties like us to say "Divorce him, and cut it off with your parents," but fact of the matter is that it is hard to be a single mom with a low income. One thing for sure though, if he physically abuses you again (or your son), you don't take it - call the cops, throw the bastard in jail.

Right now, yes, look for your own interest. Divorce, and cutting ties with your parents sounds amazing on a discussion board, but being a single isolated mother in real life is much harder. First off, like Indianinbayarea said, try to make things work.

1) NEVER SHOUT OR CRY. You do that, and you lose the battle. Doing so will ALWAYS hurt you. Say what you have to but always do so sweetly (NEVER SHOW YOUR ANGER) - if you do, you automatically look like the one at fault. Always keep your calm, no matter how hard it is. Your in-laws are in freakin India - that is great. Say the sweetest things to them, it doesn't matter - they are not here. If they say they don't want the money, you say, no but I want to send you a gift. Like one of the above posts said, send a stupid gift to them, and SAVE the rest of your husband's money for yourself. If you do a gesture like this, maybe your husband will also think that you care. Finally, ask him to save the money for your son and not for you....start a college fund.

2) If your in-laws manipulate, you manipulate too. The money has already gotten better with your husband sending less to them....do some things with it that your husband enjoys.....go to picnics together, do things as a family. If staying in this marriage suits you, stay! But on your terms! Thats what your husband is doing too....he sure as hell wants to stay married to you, but only his terms....when things don't go his way, he acts like a baby, beats your, negates you.

3) Take care of yourself. Don't take abuse of any kind - physical, mental, or emotional. Now, remember that physical abuse is not in your control (which is why you report it), but mental and emotional is to some extent. If he tries to control you emotionally, DON'T LET HIM! Stay happy with your son, and busy at work. Take care of yourself girl. DO things you like, make sure your health doesn't suffer. Eat well, excercise, sleep. Don't tell your husband how much you make. Keep your salary secure and save it, should hard times strike.

4) And again.....really really consider starting a fund of some kind for your son's college education. It is a great way to get your husband to stop sending money to India (and your in-laws can't say its for "stupid" stuff...its your son's FUTURE!). There's lots of plans out there, and its a great way to have a cushion.

 

hey prabhjott !
first a big hug , ur story made me so sad , i really wonder what is the problem with our society , till how long will the women be treated like this? but then i think its our fault only. right from our childhood we r taught to be submissive , first its parents , then brothers then husband and in laws and then sons.
sorry to be rude but i feel more than ur husband or in laws its ur parents who r to blamed ! if they will not support their daughter who will ?
i agree divorce is not an option as first ur parents will not agree and then society will make it more difficult for u.
my advice is ,try to concentrate on having a good career. u can try to improve ur education ,i know its not easy but u have got to try. then u can always take help of agencies if he abuses or disturbs u. even emotional and mental torture is as bad as physical torture ! so u got to take action.
next time ur in laws say some thing dont show u r bothered by it , try to act as if it does not matter . its very imp not to show ur weekness to any one that u r also vulnerable , belive me it works .

i can just pray for u that u get the strength to deal with these monsters and get the happiness u deserve !
take care.