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Mother-in-law,anagram Of Woman -hitler

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by jayasala42, Mar 22, 2019.

  1. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    That was a wonderful , well thought out take on the situation of present day MILs especially, the last silent sufferers who feel it is below their dignity to voice out whatever difference they may have with their DIls and try to adjust and resign themselves to avoid sure conflicts in the family! I used to continuously harp on some emotional maturity for stepping into married life, but I have often found these days the level of maturity is such that they have got settled into a pattern of living whether related to food, entertainment etc that anything different from what they are accustomed to, becomes a cause for conflict. The search for a solution is still nowhere in the horizon is what I feel, although it may be a pessimistic view!
     
  2. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    You nailed it.
     
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    There should be a term used for the unnecessary trauma a new indian bride is made to go through during a time which should be the best time of her life.

    This is not just for intercaste or inter cultural marriages.
    Even in arranged marriages where the guy's parents come asking for the girl with folded hands and many promises of love and care ,this is a norm. Almost like a tradition....like a side show that has to be put on .
    Most of this is quite petty and unnecessary in the long run.



    Women rarely forget the experience that they have in these first few days of marriage and also during childbirth.( And they rarely forget the disrespect shown to their parents).


    It is a window of opportunity for mils.
    Treat them well when they are vulnerable and win them over.
    All they want is to be treated with respect like normal humans.
    Treat her parents like you want to be treated.

    You can choose if you want to be remembered as the 'mother in law ' or the mother of the man they love.

    'Like a mother ' involves a lot more...
    One has to give a lot of love ,care and affection to someone to get that title.
    Same goes for ' like a daughter'.

    If we can treat a young woman with the respect the wife of our son deserves and treat the older woman with the respect that the mother of our husband deserves....that should be a good start.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Now I have understood rather comprehended the footnote quote in your posts and responses as well
    A LIITTLE BIT OF SLOPE MAKES UP FOR ALL Y-intercepts.
    Regards.God Bless.
     
    Gauri03 likes this.
  5. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Madam Gauri,

    Thank you very much for the elaborate and valuable response.You are correct.This is what has happened as we study the evolution of Mothers-in-law.I totally agree that there are as many cases as the number of women and we cannot come to generalizations.

    But the fact that this has been a topic of heated discussion for the past 150 years,shows that there is something wrong somewhere.

    For the past 15-20 years, it has been customary for the DIL to stay in MIL' s home for 10 days, get accustomed to their customs and settle somewhere else in their own life. It is since argued that since MIL ,out of ego, exhibited her authority in front of everyone ,it still remains like raw wound in DIL' s mind and even after years after the MIL has totally understood her DIL, the DIL is unable to forget the harm done when she was new to the surroundings and so the MIL had lost a fine opportunity to get the affection and love reciprocated.

    This is the exact manner in which MIL -DIL conflict arose. If a DIL is unable to forget the events that happened in a week or two, it is but natural for any DIL who have faced the crisis for years in the family and those harsh feelings have a let out when she gets a DIL.

    In other words Gauri Madam's response seems to justify the traditional MIL attitude.
    Madam, it is not the mode of dress-saree or choodidar that matters.An educated girl may not lose anything if she wears saree continuously for 4 or 5 days.
    What we need is the change-in attitude of both MIL and DIL.
    The present day vadhus-90% don't face any problems. Day by day the ego of MIL is vanishing . EGO is the general attribute of all human beings.People who were not much educated and deeply immersed in patriarchal feelings ,were ego concentrate and too possessive. But education has moulded many women and made them realise what is wrong and at the age of 78, I will extend all love and affection to my DIL and I would love to treat her as my daughter.Perhaps you are in your forties or late thirties will definitely direct your DIL in a way it is desirable in the general interest of the family.

    When we people know fully well that forgiving is the essence of life etc etc, why don't we forget and forgive what happened for an insignificant period in our life time and not preserve it as a legacy after so many years?
    Is it not forgetting a bliss?
    If we want to retain those harsh feelings after the dust has fully settled down and keep them at the back of our mind,whatever love and affection we show seems to be a pretence with unhealed wound inside our heart?
    Then what difference is there between the MIL of early days who were provocative outside and the modern DIL (future Mothers-in-law ) who pretend to love but nourish the earlier unpleasant happenings?

    Don't we need a thorough overhaul in the attitude of all modern MIL and DIL as well, in the general interest of women and in the larger interest of children, who are the real assets of every nation?
    We don't want the trend to continue either in its original form or any disguised style.
    As I have studied the behaviour pattern of 4 generations of MIL and DIL I see a lot of welcome change.I only pray that the trend should continue in the real sense of the term.
    Jayasala 42
     
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  6. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Joylokhi,
    You need not be so much worried.All Mothers-in-Law( you and I included) strive our best to delete the mole( Hitler) heaped upon mothers -in-law for years.There is a visible change in the attitude of mothers-in-law.Some say, that it is out of fear. Whatever be the reason, change for the better is welcome.In some families this is taken advantage of by the bride's parents and harassment starts at the other end.
    Whichever side it emanates, conflict is a conflict. We need only harmony.There was a time when people said,
    "please compare the horoscopes of MIL and DIL which is more essential for harmony at home."

    But now mostly from honeymoon they fly to US, Dubai or Singapore to settle. MIL does not come to the picture at all. There was prayer that the girl should be home loving and suited to the family. Now the prayer is that the couple should understand each other and there should be constant marital harmony.

    Jayasala 42
     
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  7. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you JSKLs for endorsing what Madam Gauri has articulated.

    jayasala 42
     
  8. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Yellow mango,
    Thank you very much for the beautiful analysis.
    If a mother has a daughter and son, it is as though she becomes a demon on getting her son married.
    It might have been the case some 30 years back. But now the picture is totally changing.We need not cast aspersions on the entire Indian women community having given birth to sons. It is like throwing mud on our ownselves.Whenever a son's wedding is settled, the main blessing is to the mother that she be not only a goog MIL but also receive a good name.
    I am reminded of a saying"it is not enough, if justice is done. It is absolutely essential that justice seems to have been done. MILs ,please note.

    Jayasala 42
     
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  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Jayasala ma'am, good write up.I enjoyed reading it and good food for thought .


    There's one point I never ever understood. If someone tortured you, to be angry with that person is normal.But being angry with your innocent newcomer DIL because your MIL tortured you is abnormal.Wanting to take revenge on a vulnerable youngster who is all alone/ newcomer in your family leaving her parents behind, due to your MIL's actions is very abnormal and almost a sadistic attitude. How can someone take out someone else's anger on any innocent person?And I'm not generalising MILs just talking about anybody who justifies it.







     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Madam,you make it look like most of Indians live outside of India.
    Infact most Indian women get married and live with or close to in laws even now.

    As for forgiveness...there are no on and off switches for that.

    The person who has to go through the trauma only can forgive if the mind and heart forgives.

    Just saying I forgive doesn't make it happen .
    It has to come from within and it is not such a voluntary process.

    It is not right to put the burden on forgiveness on the abused person. That is also a kind of mental and emotional abuse.

    Instead of asking the abused to forgive,the emphasis should be on asking the abuser to not abuse in the first place .
    If that is not possible ,then the abuser should make peace with whatever comes their way....whether it is forgiveness or long term bitterness.

    Dil 's have been forgiving ( some have no options, others are kind) and serving all these years ,that is why it has become a tradition .

    Tradition is that mil's will be harsh and the dil should just forgive and forget.

    The change will come if the emphasis moves from forgiving to not being harsh in the first place.
     

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