Money's role after marriage.

[justify]In married life, especially when you are a housewife, how do you interpret Financial Independence? I see so many threads here, many women in bad marriages, feeling helpless without any monitory support. From not having access to bank accounts and not knowing the husband's investment plans, not knowing how much you have left for your future. Not having a bank account of your own and never having that extra money of your own when needed the most all construe as part of insecurity.

But are they really??? There are so many factors influencing each scenario starting from how we perceive the concept. Financial stability is a necessity but "how much" also matters. Right?

How about we discuss here the basic norms and needs, how to save and secure your own future and be independent enough when in the worst of times?? (God forbid!!) I guess it will be a good way to boost ourselves and not feel poor and penniless in tough times!!

Let me start...
I had a very comfortable life all through my life with my parents. They were quite strict about our behavior, independence and responsibilities. And that included money matters too. Though finance was never a problem in the family, they were quite strict about how we learn to respect the limited supply. I never felt insecure then!! I am now a housewife. Have been for the past 6 years. No kids yet. Have never worked in my life, so didn't have a bank balance till recently. After marriage, I myself agreed to be a housewife, I started going through a number of rough days with hubby, money being the reason in many cases. And all the insecurity rushed in!!

Though he used to be a spendthrift, he became so cautious and so calculative after marriage. I started feeling the strain slowly but believed in personal space and privacy. I kept quiet and let him run things his way. Plus we were still strangers so I did not want to push things and ruin anything. That went on for almost a year and I never thought it culd get any worse.

It did when we through I got pregnant. Though it was a false alarm, that scared the roots out of my husband and he got more tight. He'd question me about everything I bought. I'd actually feel guilty for getting something for myself, even if it was a tiny snack while I was hungry. This feeling got overwhelming and a bit scary, so I indirectly told my parents about it. My mother has been working for quite a while and she believes in women having a career for financial independence. She advised that I should find myself a job and learn to manage things even if he was not going to support me. But fortunately or unfortunately, I am not like her.

I don't believe in changing for someone when you don't need to. Adjusting and chaging are two very different things you see. I refused to go to work unless needed, and need to me meant the salary he gets would not suffice for a decent survival. That was not the case here. It was time to have the talk and set things right. Fortunately he was all ears, and we agreed on some terms to make things better and good for each other.

We opened an expense account recording our daily expenditures. He still does question me about my purchases, and I explain what it is and that is it!! No extra thoughts on why he's asking about it. Over time he understood I was NOT throwing away money. If I manage to save anything, that is the money I've earned for myself. Even though its just a drop, a bunch of it can make a puddle. And I've never bothered to announce about it to him cos it was just my effort.

He has his allowance to buy his stuff and I have my separate allowance for my craft stuff. I know my supplies don't even cost as much as a fraction of his, but I prefer giving him the advantage as long as things are smooth.

We both learned to respect each other's needs and personal space. I never asked him for a monthly report on his bank balance. He never asked me how much I spent on my personal care, and we both know it should never be over the spending limits that we set. When we have a big expenditure coming up, we know we have to discuss about it.

Neither of us encourages spending for others who have enough unless its a necessity. That might sound rude, but its always dutch when we go out. If at all we had to entertain someone, I personally preferred serving a nice home cooked meal with a nice cozy relaxed evening at home. Its not for the money part...its for the real-warmth-in-the-relation part!

We don't believe in getting each other gifts. We know we love each other anyway. And my gift to him is usually a surprise dinner with all his favorite dish.

My parents have given me enough jewelery and they continue to give me money gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, Diwali, Pongal, Karthigai and so on. I once told them they did not have to do that for me. But the reason they gave was just too good!! They explained that these were the traditions that have prevailed for long cos the parents want the girl to feel secure. When in need she was at full liberty to sell the gold and silver and use the money for herself!! That is how much parents work to keep their children happy where ever they are!! The money I receive from them or from any other family member is basically stashed away for special occasions. I use it to buy gifts for my parents and brother and other close members of my family from this saving. Or just buy a new year gift for the house, something which we'd not call a necessity to be spent on from our daily budget.

And most important of all, we both agreed to be responsible spenders. Impulsive shoppers sounds nice, but that rarely happens in my home. My parents taught me one thing that will stay with me for ever. The crux of responsible spending lies in just one question - Do you really need it??? This is the one question you ask yourself when you go shopping especially if it involves a considerable amount and if its something you can live without. You just have to honestly answer yourself - yes or no!! When its a no, that is the final verdict. Of course that does not mean a strict no to any luxury. You just have to know how much to spend on what.

Make plans to save a percentage of your income, both of yours put together or just yours. Just keep it away and use it only when in need. Keep a security deposit in your home. Something that you might need at short notice in case of an emergency.
I prefer giving him the right to take decisions on investments. And I don't question him or nag him on this topic. Over time he gained trust in me and started telling me about things himself. I really didn't mind being quiet and being kept in the background till then.

Men like to have an upper hand in running the family. And as long as they are given the privileged they are happy. Else they can get childishly competitive and cranky and hard to manage. Its true women end up making many sacrifices and compromises while running a family. Though the men wear the pants, we are silent partners and have equal responsibility and authority on things. And its after all for everyone's good. But when we are not allowed the right and put down beyond limits, its definitely worth fighting for. Its all about the mutual understanding and respect we share. A little bit of patience, confidence and trust you show will be duly reciprocated.

I know its a real long post and sounds quite boring ...But just wanted to share...and know what others have to say...[/justify]

 

Hi there harinisripada,

Thanks for your feedback. And wow, you've written it all down quite elaborately!! I agree women need to know about the financial planning in the house. I started with some simple stuff in homes where you can start with things you can fit in easily especially where hubbies are not so cooperative, and you've covered the entire thing in a more professional perspective.
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And it sure is good to know so many points that many of us otherwise miss out on..
I would like to hear from others too..especially small household ideas to save just for yourself.

Another tip from me. I just spoke to my husband and opened a bank account in which I deposit about 10K a month for monthly expenses for the house. As and when I need money, I don't ask him anymore. And while that counts as a current account, I also opened a small RD on the side linked to this account. The interest part is mine while the principal is for the house hold expenses.